friday night at the movies

while at blockbuster the other night, boyfriend called me on my audrey tautou girl crush.

i was torn between happenstance and he loves me...he loves me not, but i decided that i would rather watch a sappy love story than a movie about love gone wrong and audrey being rejected. that would just be depressing.

tomorrow night! microwave popcorn! my couch!

i think i'm way too excited about watching a movie. i guess i am really excited about the prospect of two hours of not doing work. yeah baby.

i had a fairly good day, but i was in kind of a funk when i got home. firstly, i took my second chemistry test yesterday. there were only 12 multiple choice questions, 5 points each, totaling 60 points, and then there was a nine-part question that was worth 45 points. the only score i could get right away was my multiple choice score. i got 50%, or 6 / 12 right. i was pretty disappointed so i studied more and retook it today. i was certain i got 100% this time, but i only got 8 / 12 right. it's definitely better, and with all the calculations, i have the potential to get between a 70 and an 80 as my final score, but still. blah.

my book club meeting is this sunday. it turned out to be men and women, so that is cool. i hope i like these people. they are all new to austin, like me, so hopefully they will be as desperate for friendship as i am. i was telling boyfriend today that the people at school are not working for me socially. i don't mean that in a snobbish way, there are some really cool people i would love to hang out with, but no one is really interested and i'm not going to beg. (i can hear my mother doing mrs. seinfeld's bit: "how could anybody not like you???")

so anyway, i was in my funk, but after boyfriend and i went out for chinese food, we checked the mail on the way back into the apartment. i got a postcard from three of my italian friends who went to valencia, spain to visit another friend (these are people i worked with in venice). so i had a postcard and the four of them all signed it with "un abbraccio forte" (a strong hug) and it made me happy :)

do somethin'

ever since reading an article on energy, i have been unplugging vampire energy suckers like chargers and toasters and coffee makers when not using them.

i have been saving my yogurt lids to send in to raise 10 cents a pop for breast cancer research.

i click all the buttons on the hunger site and the others every day.

i guess i feel like i'm doing something (albeit a very small something) for others. i have a strong desire to get involved in something i care about, but i don't have money, and i don't have time. it really pisses me off.

maybe i should work in activism or for a non-profit for a couple of years before deciding what my career will be.

carry me, i'm just a dead (wo)man

i should probably be doing some work, but i can't motivate myself. i stayed home from school yet again because i don't feel well. this is the worst month in the history of months. i have decided that there is no way that god is a woman. what a shame.

last night we went to the jars concert. sure, it was jam-packed with WASPs, primarily (but not limited to) 12-16 and 40-45 years of age. one guy tried to invite us to his church and bible study, which annoyed me. (they're a christian band but they're mainstream as well. do you have to assume every fan is a christian? go talk to the teenager wearing the "got jesus?" shirt standing right next to me, dude.)

all in all, though, i was so happy. it was so much fun. they put on a good show, and i am madly in love with pretty much everything they've ever written, so it was really exciting to hear it and see them live. i feel like they're one band that is virtually incapable of writing a bad song. seriously man.

anyway, i don't know why i am getting so burned out. for some reason, the normal things i have always done - going to class, working, studying, writing papers - it all overwhelms me now. i feel like i work all the time. i don't, obviously, but my nights and weekends... i'm always either doing some kind of work or avoiding some kind of work and feeling guilty about it. it's not really an issue of laziness because i want to do the work, but i feel emotionally tired. and i think it's translating into physical sickness, as these things often do. i just feel weak and run down all the time. it really sucks, man. i'm 22 years old and i don't eat meat. i should be seriously healthy!

i submitted a piece i wrote to a few feminist magazines, and i got my first rejection email today. i am officially a writer. it was something along the lines of it unfortunately not being right for them at this time, but please continue to send in writings so they will have something to shoot down, because it provides a source of amusement for overworked, underpaid feminists to shit on my work.

"membership" and other bullshit

"I do not believe that God created an egalitarian world. I believe the authority of parent over child, husband over wife, learned over simple to have been as much a part of the original plan as the authority of man over beast."

"I believe that if we had not fallen [...] patriarchal monarchy would be the sole lawful government."

why, clive? why do you do this to me, man?

you know how much i love you. you know that even when i am the least like a typical christian, i still go to the library and check out your books and carry them around with me everywhere and devour them. and you know that i'll even forgive you for comparing us to children, "the simple," and beasts (in other words, creatures who cannot take care of themselves). i'll keep reading.

but why? why the superiority complex? just explain that to me. you are perfectly happy to spout humility, and talk of how we are absolutely nothing in comparison with god. but in comparison with each other? men rule over women.

you make it so hard to love you.

look at me, arguing with a dead man.

on notice

i'm taking a sick day today, as in a i-will-have-a-nervous-breakdown-soon-and-it-has-
translated-into-physical-sickness day.

i went a little nutso yesterday. i had a full morning of hiking across highways on foot in order to get to work in austin, texas, where you must have a car, but mine is back home. after my own little version of 'survivor,' i trekked back to campus and had my brit lit class.

i should preface this with saying that i don't like the people in my class. you can just tell when you're in one of those kind of classes. well, i'm in one of those. i have made acquaintances, if not friends, in my other classes, but these people are not that kind. so, whatever. i read, i go, i listen to the lecture, it's cool.

i could only get my hands on the last edition of our book without burning a terrible hole into my wallet, and since my professor said i could probably get by with that, i've been using it. yesterday after class i spoke with her, and she told me two things:

1 - my paper topic is shit and i have to change it
2 - i will be royally screwed on the test unless i meet up with another student who has the right book

now, she said it much nicer, naturally, but i was feeling pretty bad about myself regarding #1 - if there's anything i can do, it's english - and was worried about #2 because i know how these folks are. i got home feeling yucky and angry and overwhelmed. the test is tomorrow.

i emailed everyone in my class and said "hey, i know some of you need the notes, i will let you see mine AND buy you a cup of coffee if you'll just meet up with me briefly and let me see your book." there are like 30 fucking people in that class and no one answered. bastardi.

no one wants the notes they've missed? no one drinks coffee? no one will do another classmate a favor?

last night boyfriend and i had a great night of reading magazines at the library and eating dinner out together. but when we got home i was still feeling so overwhelmed. and some bad dreams and thoughts about my dad didn't help matters.

so this morning, i got up, showered, dressed, and couldn't make it to class. i felt an enormous wave of nausea sweep over me. i'm in bed. i feel less nauseous but don't feel like i can sit up or go anywhere. will probably have to miss stephanie klein's reading today.

sick bastard.

what is the world coming to?? shooting little girls in school because you can't resist the temptation to sexually abuse them??

save our boobs!!!

check them out, and then donate some money, you pervs.

*no, mine are not on there. sorry.

item #1 - i got a 73 on that chem test. at least i passed. i have another one available from this thursday until next wednesday. lord have mercy.

item #2 - i am beginning a book club for 20-somethings. so far the only responses have been from women, which is not only fine with me, but ideal. it can be like the all-ladies book club i participated in back home. fun fun fun!

item #3 - work email is screwy. you get an email when you submit your timesheet late. i began two weeks ago and as soon as my email was set up, i got emails about my august timesheets being late. i emailed the folks to inform them of the problem. they fixed it, and then i got emails about july being late. emailed them again, they apologized and said they would work on it again. you know the rest. june emails. it's kind of funny, actually.

i am procrastinating so badly. i have gotten some work done, so it's not all bad, but seriously, i never had such a focusing problem before. i can't help that i hate chemistry so bad!

boyfriend said i may have misunderstood what friend #3 was saying yesterday. it's possible. the most fun time of the month is approaching, and i tend to be quite critical of XY's at that time. i'm not deleting the post, though, because that picture of batwoman is hot.

i began writing a novel. i guess i was inspired by the erotica - not that i'm going to write any! - but the whole idea of forming characters and making stuff happen to them. i want to try my hand at it. i already have quite a bit and it is super fun :)