I am happy -- I found a blog full of C.S. Lewis quotes. Not just generic ones either; this blogger is hardcore, going into his letters to friends and such. Anyway, it cheered me up a bit. That and listening to Christian music from my childhood and teen years at work.

Am I weird or what?

Every time I get really badly depressed I retreat into religion. I just do. Although I still think much of it is a crock of ---- I miss the idea that there is a loving God out there. That Its love permeates the universe and falls on undeserving me. (My sense of self-esteem fits in with the self-deprecating, acknowledged sinner ideal quite nicely; perhaps being raised in such a religious environment fostered it in me.)

Christian books and music lift my spirits in a way that other things just don't. They take me back to a time when I believed, whole-heartedly, that regardless of the pain, there was joy and love and hope on the other side of it. That there was a reason for it and that nothing was in vain. Nowadays it feels like a lot is in vain.