Where does the time go?

Can't sleep. Suffering from Day 4 of the mega-cold from hell and have a lot on my mind.

So many intense things going on in my life right now that I feel I can't share on the blog. Sometimes I wonder if I should scrap this one and start anew, truly anonymous, without telling any of my friends. Though I doubt many of my friends still read here - I mean, I post once every other month!

Do you ever get nostalgic? Like big time? I do it a lot - I mean, I think more than most people. I live in the past or the future, generally... never the present.

Tonight I'm thinking about 2005 me, sitting in the front room of my parents' house, typing away at this blog. Six years younger - wow! Both parents still alive, my biggest concerns were getting a boyfriend and getting an A in my college courses.

Time flies.

Things That Make Me Happy: Spotify

NaNoWriMo Time

I have decided to participate in NaNoWriMo this year. I've only done this once before, which I apparently didn't blog about if Blogspot's search feature is to be trusted. (All I can find is a post about visiting a new writing group in Austin and hearing a funny NaNoWriMo anecdote.)

NaNoWriMo is shorthand for National Novel Writing Month, which takes place every November. People around the globe come together and attempt to write a 50,000 word novel in a single month. It's an amazing challenge and quite a feat that many people actually do complete! I love what it represents - community, creativity, people who don't even know each other deciding to do "the impossible" outside of their day-to-day "real jobs."

I tried it a few years back but did not make the claim that I would write a brand new novel. I also didn't strive for 50k words. I had a novel in progress with very little progress and decided I would use the month to do the best I could to develop it. I wound up with close to 11k new words that month, which is good to have, but I did learn that setting a challenging goal would have pushed me farther. At 11k words I was kind of like, "Well, this is a lot more than I had, I can be lazy and stop now." You know, when it gets hard.

My novel in progress (for years now - ugh!) stands at about 24k words and I have decided, once again, to NaNoWriMo my way through it, only this time I AM aiming for 50k brand new words. I may hit the target and I may not, but I'm sure as hell going to try and so happy for the opportunity to bring writing back into my life.

I've been living in NYC, married, working at a great-albeit-demanding job now for over a year. A lot of things have happened in this year, both good and bad. One of the bad things is that I stopped writing. Completely. Not a thing. In one year.

When I lived in Texas I wrote and published articles out the wazoo. I blogged and wrote poetry and read my work publicly at events and networked with other writers. In NY - nothing. Nada. Zip.

The reason? There are a few. First is the pace and stress and pressure of the city, the pace and stress and pressure of my job. The second is that I kind of lost my motivation and got writer's block. Even when I did set aside time to write, nothing would come. It's like working out every day for a long time and then stopping for a year. When you do go back to the gym, don't expect to just resume like the year of absence didn't take place. It did.

So when a Facebook friend (a member of my Austin writer's group) announced she would be NaNo'ing, it was just the kick in the pants I needed. I completely stopped self-identifying as a writer this past year, when that was practically all I identified myself as previously. How sad! How wrong! Not going to let it happen.

Wish me luck...

Sojourness's Beliefs... circa 2006

I was going through my blog drafts and see there are a bunch of things I drafted but never published. I thought this was worth sharing - from January 9, 2006.

Sojourness's Beliefs

I believe that we are not to blame for being imperfect, because we did not ask to be born this way, or to be born at all, for that matter.

I do not feel that we should perpetuate systems of belief that foster self-loathing and a low sense of self-worth.

(I feel that Christianity sends mixed messages: we are sinful and evil, yet greatly valued by God, so precious that He would die for us, yet so abhorrent that only the shedding of his blood would allow us to escape his intense wrath.)

I believe that we become "guilty" when we allow our imperfections to harm others without making a concerted effort to avoid doing so.

Just as members of oppressed groups unite in solidarity, I believe that woman- and man-kind should be united because we are all in this together. We all face the terrors of life and death, and none of us know for what purpose. Any that claim to are either being dishonest, or cling to doctrines out of fear. I do not fault them for the latter.

I believe that there is great love in the world, and it is one of the few, if not the only, reason for waking up in the morning. But it is rare, and hard to find.

I am not sure that happiness is attainable as a state of being. (I don't mean in the utopian sense; I just mean one being able to honestly say that she/he is happy in life.) I believe that one can find many examples and instances of it, but nothing more.

Things That Make Me Happy: Tea

I've resurrected the blog and haven't even written anything. That's so me. Husband nagged me about blogging again and I thought it was a good idea. Truth be told, ever since I moved back to New York (1 year ago!) I have not been writing. I used to be so prolific. Even if it wasn't all quality stuff, I was writing. I was a writer. Then I got to New York and became a married woman, a career woman, a family woman, a New Yorker... and became entirely too busy and stressed for my one passion. I thought bringing Sojourner's Truths back would give me the opportunity to at least write something, even if it's not for official publication or a book proposal. Natalie Goldberg, Anne Lamott and every other writing expert says you just have to show up for work like you do with anything else. You have to write consistently, like athletes and musicians and dancers have to practice. You should be writing every day if you're a writer - not letting a year go by with nothing to show for it.

Sad, I know, but I'm ready to make a change.

I Am Back

"It's Britney, bitch. And I am back, in the form of a new company. The Michael Scott Paper Company."

So we're back from India, moving into our new apartment in a kickass neighborhood today. Husband and I both celebrated our birthdays in the last few weeks, so ready to start a new year. I have so many resolutions, but I'm still in that euphoric hopeful new-year phase where I believe I'll achieve most of them. Yee ha! (<-- Texas residue)

I'm not going to lie - I miss Austin. I miss not having to work as hard and the warmth and sunshine. I miss the hell out of my friends, who I still talk to but don't know when I'll see in person again. I miss breakfast tacos and margaritas and queso and people being friendly all the time.

But I am not going to let the culture shock of homecoming get me down. When I was in Austin, I dreamed about New York - living in Manhattan like I wanted to since I was a child, being a part of a living, pulsing city that is simultaneously full of history and looking towards the future. The snow and ice will pass, the rude looks on the subway will become commonplace and normal, but the excitement never dies. I hope Husband comes to feel the same way.

Our India trip is almost at an end. It was pretty amazing and will not be our last, considering Husband is Indian. I look forward to future trips where we can really dig into specific areas - Rajasthan, Bombay, South India...

For my first trip, I got to see most of Delhi as well as the Taj Mahal (breathtaking, not overhyped at all!) and other cool monuments in Agra. Not bad!

It's time for New Year's resolutions. I love them because I really get a chance to hone in on things I want to accomplish, though each December/Jan I do get a twinge of guilt in realizing resolutions that have gone unfulfilled. For example, I accomplished very few of the resolutions I made for 2009. Looks like I didn't blog about 2010 resolutions (whew). Yet there is also the 101 list, the deadline of which is coming up (can you believe it?) Looking back (and updating it accordingly), I've actually accomplished a hell of a lot off of it - wow!

Okay, so I feel better :) Now to think about 2011, and possibly a new 101 list...

I grew up in a conservative Christian, middle-class Republican family from the boroughs of New York City. They were people who came from immigrants, whose own childhoods were darkened by poverty, and who had worked hard to give my sister and I a better life than they had had. When they traveled, it was to neighboring states like Pennsylvania. They were wary of planes, wary of foreigners, wary of the ever-changing world outside of New York and the local church community.


Little did I know then that I would grow up to go to college, get a fellowship for work and travel, marry an Indian man and see places my grandparents can't even imagine. I have been lucky beyond words!


I write this to you from a hotel in New Delhi, India on my first trip here. Everyone told me, "Prepare yourself: India is overwhelming. It assaults the senses." Yes, that is true. The smog is thick, the dust kicks up, and it's been difficult for me to breathe while outdoors. The crowded streets and size of population rivals Penn Station at rush hour - no small feat. Many places are dirty and polluted.

But India is simply amazing. The United States is only 234 years old, but I am in a country with palaces and ruins from the B.C. era. Delhi in particular has seen the rule of kings, sultans, Mughal Emperors and the British Raj. It was the scene of terrible violence and upheaval during the 1857 Mutiny and the 1947 Partition. It is still the capital of an emerging player on the global stage, where Parliament convenes and the Prime Minister and President work.

I believe, from my own experience, that for those who have not traveled in childhood, it's impossible to go to another country (ANY other country) without changing your life.

Today is a sick day. I'm home in bed, which is kind of nice - a change of pace from all the hubbub. I knew that moving back to New York City would make me busier and more stressed than when we lived in Austin, but it was just a concept in my head, not real until we actually got here, in the thick of it.

I'm not complaining. I'm happier than I expected. I'm just tired and could use more downtime.

I have so much to write about, to say, but I've gotten out of the habit of sharing here and it feels public. Imagine that! At the same time, this blog was my lifeline and my voice since 2005 and I will always feel a strong tie to it. I want to get back to that type of sharing, opening up and spilling out all of the things that just lay buried. Who else to share with?

Is anyone still here?

Update

I apologize for the lack of blogging - the last month has been a whirlwind, and this coming month promises to be more of the same.

I gave notice, I quit, I left my job and the beautiful state of Texas and came back up to the big city. I started a new job almost immediately. My wedding is in less than a month, and Fiance is coming up in a couple of days so we can look for an apartment together.

Needless to say, I caught a killer cold (in August) that I can't shake. I am fairly certain it is from the stress of all the change. But it is all good stuff. I am happy.