Update

I apologize for the lack of blogging - the last month has been a whirlwind, and this coming month promises to be more of the same.

I gave notice, I quit, I left my job and the beautiful state of Texas and came back up to the big city. I started a new job almost immediately. My wedding is in less than a month, and Fiance is coming up in a couple of days so we can look for an apartment together.

Needless to say, I caught a killer cold (in August) that I can't shake. I am fairly certain it is from the stress of all the change. But it is all good stuff. I am happy.

So Fiance and I have been hard at work on wedding planning. Since I am the web genius of the couple (yeah right), I'm in charge of the wedding website and Photoshopping the invitation PDF, among other things. We decided a while back that we wanted to incorporate old photos of our families into our decor. For example, we'd like to find a nice way to put up our parents' wedding pictures at our venue. We also decided - not to give a spoiler away to those of you who will be receiving invitations - to put old family photos up on our wedding website. I have been working on that, and it's a lot of fun.

The problem is that every time I look at an old picture of me and my father, I want to vomit. That sounds bad, but there's no other way to describe it. He has been dead for over 2 years - not that long, actually - and I have succeeded in living in denial and rarely thinking about it for just as long. Now my wedding is here. He will not be there. My father and I had a very difficult relationship and I never really fantasized about him walking me down the aisle or having a father-daughter dance with me before. I just kind of assumed he'd be there. And he won't. And that's kind of a big deal.

Sounds like I'm stating the obvious but when you make a strong effort not to think about someone for several years, it can surprise you that he is all you think about when your wedding's coming up. It is bringing up all kinds of feelings for me. Guilt about living in another state when he died unexpectedly one morning. Guilt about not spending his last years with him. Guilt about not appreciating him and what he had given me until after his death. It's a lot of guilt.

The easiest thing to do is to quickly click away from the pictures, but for some reason I can't look away. It's painful but I have to do it. There's only so long you can pretend that someone is still alive out there somewhere. One day you have to grow up, and maybe the day you commit to a lifelong, legally binding relationship with someone is the day for growing up.

The drama at work continues through subtle hints that I will not be paid very much more for taking on the entire department. It never ends with these people. I am hanging back and waiting while they interview other people. If they want me in the end, we negotiate.

Meanwhile, 2 NY jobs are still pending, one of which looks extremely promising...

In other matters, we are getting down the wire on this wedding thing. Fiance and I spend all of our free time working on this. This week I've been finishing up the website and invitation and he's coordinating staff and choosing plates and flatware. Um, fun?

Wedding Woes

Sundays are such lazy days. Not in the sense of not getting anything done - I basically work all weekend - but in the sense of not getting dressed or leaving the house if possible. Lovely.

You know when you're a little girl and you watch your Disney movies where the prince saves the princess and they get married in the end? What a happy ending with beautiful wedding clothes and friends and family smiling. How come they don't show the scene after that, where Triton is holding a bill for $50,000 and developing an ulcer? It seems a little unfair to set up expectations for a whole generation of children without a few facts thrown in.

I guess when you're royalty, the bill is not such a big deal. Perhaps they should have had a Disney movie where the bride's and groom's families are working class?

Fiance and I made a decision a long time ago: that we would keep our wedding as inexpensive as possible without sacrificing class, and to pay for it ourselves without burdening our parents. Now that we are in the thick of it, wow, did that idea seem unrealistic! If you can keep your small wedding to $15,000, you are lucky. For 20-somethings not that long out of college, this is still a lot of money.

So what do people our age do? Hit up the parents? Go into debt? LAME.

When did a beautiful union of 2 people turn into such an industry?

I'm at my parents' house waiting for the coffee to percolate. Fiance and I extended our trip because Grandfather is in the hospital in critical condition. His heart is in bad shape and it is causing a host of other problems. We are hoping and praying for a recovery though all we can do right now is wait.

In other news, I had my interviews last week and I think they went well. I am nowhere near done on this search but I have not applied for anything new while on this trip. It has been too hectic. We did accomplish some wedding stuff - namely, we tried a few caterers and I took Sister to try on bridesmaid dresses.

Mother was so excited that I was home for Easter for the first time in years that she gave me an Easter basket. Sounds silly since I am in my 20s but it was actually pretty cool. She gave me a movie basket with popcorn, candy, soda, a DVD and a gift card for Regal. She is so cute! I am working on finding the perfect birthday present for her but no luck so far. Fiance and I are thinking concert tickets because she's big into those.

Today and tomorrow we are going to try to look at additional venues but it's so hard to get people on the phone. I don't get it, are they so overwhelmed by business that they don't need leads?

Wedding planning is coming down to the wire. 6 months away and we haven't officially sealed the venue. It's okay, we like a challenge :) I am also having dress drama but I think that deserves its own post with pictures...

On the career front, I'm still looking for positions and was lucky enough to get an informational interview with a fairly well-known publishing company. I applied for a job 2 months ago that they filled but I followed up for so long that the VP I had applied to admitted that I have interesting experience and agreed to meet with me. I've got another potential opportunity at a technology company. The VP there is constantly busy and hard to nail down, but when I do get him he seems interested. I am not naive or trying to believe that one of these will be the one, but I am hopeful and at the very least it motivates me to keep going despite the numerous silences from HR departments.

I've been busy, I know. Sorry! Fiance and I returned to central Texas on New Years Day and have spent the last 2+ weeks getting ourselves situated and reoriented. I've gone back to work and we've had to find a place to live. Lots of work and lots of things going on! Time for highlights:

• My birthday came hard on the heels of our arrival so we got to have a sort of birthday party-slash-reunion with friends. It was awesome! CL Friend, her husband and their new baby (whom I had never met before) came and it was all I could do to give CL Baby back after holding her all night. There was also Friends From Work #1 & #3 and their significant others, as well as a friend I know through FFW #1's wife (confused yet?). We had huckleberry margaritas and appetizers and it was great.

• After subletting the apartment of a total wackjob for 2 weeks, we found and moved into our dream apartment. It is a luxury apartment that comes with access to a pool and a gym. We have a balcony with a view of a lake with actual ducks swimming around (which is where I'm sitting right now, enjoying my coffee and the morning breeze). It is way more expensive than our last place but we got a deal because someone needed out of her lease, so we got it for essentially the same price. Woohoo!

• I tried on wedding dresses with CL Friend last weekend. It was super intimidating but there were a few that looked really nice on me and that has kind of gotten me over my fear. Of course, the saleswoman kept trying to get me in very high heeled shoes and lacy veils and it was all I could do not to run out of there screaming.

• Childhood Friend is coming to visit us for the very first time. So excited.

This is going to be a good year.

Random Catching Up

I bet you don't believe me but I *so* miss blogging here. I don't even have a good reason for not, except a general lack of excitement about my everyday life. Since I haven't written in weeks, let me try to scrounge something up:

• Home (as in my family's home) for a month now and wrangled another month out of my job back in TX. Blessing and a curse as I'm sure those of you with your own residences who visit 'home' know quite well. Love spending time with all the Sisters, but too much time with kids is hard, as is everyday life around Evil Faux Stepfather. I haven't written much about him or his relationship with Mother since I don't feel right airing my family's dirty laundry so to speak, but suffice it to say that Sister and I cannot stand him and with good reason.
  
  
• Fiance and I have been spending a lot of time looking at wedding venues. It is really exciting but also exhausting. He is going abroad again tomorrow to spend another month with his parents, and while he is gone The Traveler is going to venue-shop with me. She is the PERFECT person to do it!!
  
  
• I also DIY gifts at this time of year. In the past it has been hats and/or scarves for Mother and Sisters, but this year I am trying to branch out. That means balaclava for Baby Sister (done), mittens for Kid Sisters (almost done) and Jay and Silent Bob fingerless gloves for Sister (in progress). Don't ask me how I am doing the last one - it was a vision I had involving knit gloves and felt and it is actually coming out REALLY well. I am planning to finish up quick and give them to her now so she can actually use them before Christmas. I'll post pictures, I promise.
  
  
• Trying to think of ways to save some dough for the wedding. Nothing earth-shattering has come up yet but let me bounce these off you:
  
  - Freelance writing/editing/blogging jobs
  
  - Saving pocket change in a jar (don't knock it till you've tried it, I've racked up plenty of spare $20s this way after a trip to a Coinstar machine)
  
  - Selling books and other things from my old bedroom, which Mother is threatening to empty out anyway
  
  - Putting in time to the Time Bank to receive not money, but services, in return (note: this is possibly the best idea I've ever heard of). I could get a graphic designer to do our invitations for free, for example.
  
  - Mooching my books to rack up points for Christmas gifts for Sisters
  
  - Eating out less and finding creative ways to go out with friends for less (haven't been successful at this yet, but cut me a break, it's New York City)
  
  Any other suggestions?

Another post to piggyback the last one since I STILL CAN'T SLEEP. I've gargled with warm salt water, taken Nyquil, taken Halls and consumed a hot beverage - nothing. I'm hoping the Nyquil will kick in soon. Mother got me 'Less Drowsy' which would be good under normal circumstances but now I'm wishing it was More Drowsy. (I didn't even know they made Less Drowsy.)

Wedding planning is exciting and overwhelming at the same time. Part of me is like, Yay, this is so much fun! and the other part is like, Geez, I only get one of these and I want it to be just so and how can I ever make these decisions? The internet is both a blessing and a bane. It has so many fantastic ideas but I wind up bookmarking them all and that's just more overwhelming. Here are my favorite blog feeds of late:

Offbeat Bride
DIY Bride
My DIY Wedding Day
craftmybride
Budget Savvy Bride

Random thought: I could go for a trip to the library.

I am not surprised to see that they have weight loss programs specifically for brides-to-be. The thing is, I don't need a program. Surprisingly, I know exactly how to lose weight. It's a very complicated plan with the following steps, in no particular order:

• Exercise.


• Stop eating crap.

Maybe I should write a book and make some mon-ay to help pay for the wedding. Hmm.

I Love Lists

And I can't stop making them. That must say something about my personality but it's too early for me to figure out what.

• I bought two new pairs of shoes yesterday. They are gorgeous and were cheap. You don't understand what a big deal this is - I NEVER buy shoes because I need size 10 flats that aren't hideous and, well, those rarely exist. Score!
  
  
• I brought a pair of comfy, cute flip flops for the Traveler and I really need to remember to give them to her when I see her. She reads this blog, hence the public mental note. They are in my size but they are too small nonetheless and they seem like her style, at least for casual days.
  
  
• Friday friends are coming over, Saturday, family. Does it get any better? The only thing I'm dreading is the cleaning.
  
  
• One of the best things about hanging out with Mother now, after Father's death, is that she has constant stories about him back when life was simpler. It makes me miss him but I can't stop asking. She wants me to visit the cemetery while I'm in town - I will, but it doesn't mean much to me. I've gone once after the funeral and it doesn't feel like he is there, it just feels like a park with gravestones.
  
  
• Apparently I got my love of coffee from him. My mother drinks it but doesn't need to every day, whereas he drank it not only every morning but all throughout the day. Yeah, Dad, kick ass.
  
  
  
  
  
• I am starting to really like the idea of having a flower wreath instead of a bridal veil and bringing some earth/nature/hippy-ness to the wedding. I think I could pull it off. I don't want a fancy, poofy, lacey gown anyway.
  

Latest news

• I have a few days left to pack everything up and put it into storage before going home to visit with my family.
  
  
• Friend From Work has turned me on to Civilization IV. How did I not know about this game before?
  
  
• CL Friend's baby shower was a great success. Woohoo!
  
  
• I have become a big fan of Offbeat Bride :)
  
  
• I leave you with this awesome video that I just love: