So Fiance and I have been hard at work on wedding planning. Since I am the web genius of the couple (yeah right), I'm in charge of the wedding website and Photoshopping the invitation PDF, among other things. We decided a while back that we wanted to incorporate old photos of our families into our decor. For example, we'd like to find a nice way to put up our parents' wedding pictures at our venue. We also decided - not to give a spoiler away to those of you who will be receiving invitations - to put old family photos up on our wedding website. I have been working on that, and it's a lot of fun.

The problem is that every time I look at an old picture of me and my father, I want to vomit. That sounds bad, but there's no other way to describe it. He has been dead for over 2 years - not that long, actually - and I have succeeded in living in denial and rarely thinking about it for just as long. Now my wedding is here. He will not be there. My father and I had a very difficult relationship and I never really fantasized about him walking me down the aisle or having a father-daughter dance with me before. I just kind of assumed he'd be there. And he won't. And that's kind of a big deal.

Sounds like I'm stating the obvious but when you make a strong effort not to think about someone for several years, it can surprise you that he is all you think about when your wedding's coming up. It is bringing up all kinds of feelings for me. Guilt about living in another state when he died unexpectedly one morning. Guilt about not spending his last years with him. Guilt about not appreciating him and what he had given me until after his death. It's a lot of guilt.

The easiest thing to do is to quickly click away from the pictures, but for some reason I can't look away. It's painful but I have to do it. There's only so long you can pretend that someone is still alive out there somewhere. One day you have to grow up, and maybe the day you commit to a lifelong, legally binding relationship with someone is the day for growing up.

I'm at my parents' house waiting for the coffee to percolate. Fiance and I extended our trip because Grandfather is in the hospital in critical condition. His heart is in bad shape and it is causing a host of other problems. We are hoping and praying for a recovery though all we can do right now is wait.

In other news, I had my interviews last week and I think they went well. I am nowhere near done on this search but I have not applied for anything new while on this trip. It has been too hectic. We did accomplish some wedding stuff - namely, we tried a few caterers and I took Sister to try on bridesmaid dresses.

Mother was so excited that I was home for Easter for the first time in years that she gave me an Easter basket. Sounds silly since I am in my 20s but it was actually pretty cool. She gave me a movie basket with popcorn, candy, soda, a DVD and a gift card for Regal. She is so cute! I am working on finding the perfect birthday present for her but no luck so far. Fiance and I are thinking concert tickets because she's big into those.

Today and tomorrow we are going to try to look at additional venues but it's so hard to get people on the phone. I don't get it, are they so overwhelmed by business that they don't need leads?

Fiance is on a 13-hour flight right now, coming home after a month abroad with his parents. I can hardly wait to pick him up from the airport.

I am all over the place emotionally this week. I haven't been "home" (like, where I live) in 5 months and I have a bit of anxiety over moving into a new apartment and going back to work after all this time. I also have guilt and sad feelings over leaving my family, as I always do. Kid Sister #2 is hell-bent on returning to Texas and Mother seems open to allowing them to spend spring break or part of the summer with me, which is great news. At the very least I can focus on that. Still, it's hard when, for example, a 3 year old makes a pouty face and says, "But I going to miss you." There are no defenses against that, really.

In addition, I have so much cleaning/packing/farewelling to do in only a couple of days and I'm swamped with work from the office. Dude.

What 8 Year Olds Are Thankful For

Hilarious. I love that 'internet connection' topped 'food' and 'shelter.'

Holi-daze

Can't help it, I love lists.

• New fundraising idea from Fiance - mega yard sale. This is a great one for a lot of reasons - namely, my family is made up of packrats who are sitting on a goldmine of toys, gadgets, DVDs, etc. that they wouldn't even notice missing. Not to mention the fact that my mother has politely requested that after living elsewhere for over 3 years, I finally get my shit together and clean out my old bedroom. Sad, I know. Obviously I have tons of books and stuff down there. Does anyone still buy CDs? What if they are 50 cents to a dollar? :)
  
  
• Fiance left 2 days ago to return to his parents abroad for a month. Yes, it sucks big time, but I'm happy for him... somewhere inside... I'm sure I am...
  
  
• Mother and EFS took Sisters away to "the country" for the weekend and I stayed behind to hang out with Sister, whom I haven't seen much in the month that I've been back. She works 2 jobs and goes to college. She barely sleeps, and obviously doesn't have much time/energy to socialize. She's been making me watch a bunch of dumb comedy movies but I don't mind, it's just nice to be with her.
  





• I have a couple of close people in my life who just had babies and I want to give them a nice 'Baby's 1st Christmas' gift. Websites like Zazzle let you put photos on ornaments and stuff but it seems... I don't know, plain vanilla and overpriced? I keep thinking I could make a much jazzier photo ornament with some color in it. Looking for ideas online. So far, this is the cutest one I've found.
  


• I have always been a holiday-loving person. The last few years have been weird, what with all the tragedy putting a damper on festivities, but I would rather go through the holiday season with a few down moments than not at all. There's just something about it that excites me and makes me feel warm inside. We have plenty of traditions in my family - opening presents at midnight on Christmas Eve instead of Christmas morning, fancy dinners that Mom cooks, playing Christmas music in the house, baking cookies. I am trying to start some new traditions myself (ooh! it's a list within a list!)
  
  
  
  
  - Last year I created a Holiday playlist at playlist.com and it kicked ass. I've got all the classics on it - Stevie Wonder, Band Aid, Paul McCartney - and a new album I'm in love with, Songs for Christmas by Sufjan Stevens. Listen to some of them on playlist.com or YouTube or wherever. So good.
  
  - I would like to get into some Christmas crafts with Kid & Baby Sisters. There are tons of ideas online but it takes time to wade through them all. Kids love arts & crafts, especially *my* kids, and it's fun to do that kind of stuff together.
  
  - On that same note, Kid Sisters and I have been making handmade gifts together. For example, while Kid Sister #1 was home from school with strep throat last week, we got out the origami kit and made a couple of picture frames, then put their school photos in it and wrapped it for Mom. Kid Sister #1, who can knit at 8 years old, also made Mom a coaster. She's making one for me now. She's bummed because it can't be a surprise - she needs my help when she drops stitches. Cute.
  
  - Visiting a ton of family. I always saw one set of my grandparents for the holidays, but that was usually it. Now that my father has passed away, however, I am really starting to reevalute the meaning of family in my life and call up aunts, uncles, cousins, and such. It has been really rewarding so far. For example, a bunch of us cousins grew up together, playing together every weekend, and then for some reason, we fell out of touch as teenagers. A couple of us are now married, babies on the way, and reconnecting with them has been fantastic. It's great when I'm in town and can actually get together, rather than just calling from Texas to catch up.
  
  - I am tempted as all hell to put on a Charlie Brown Christmas play with the kids. I know, I am being psycho ambitious but I have never been home for this long before!! I always get 2 weeks with my family, but this year I have over 2 months.

Random Catching Up

I bet you don't believe me but I *so* miss blogging here. I don't even have a good reason for not, except a general lack of excitement about my everyday life. Since I haven't written in weeks, let me try to scrounge something up:

• Home (as in my family's home) for a month now and wrangled another month out of my job back in TX. Blessing and a curse as I'm sure those of you with your own residences who visit 'home' know quite well. Love spending time with all the Sisters, but too much time with kids is hard, as is everyday life around Evil Faux Stepfather. I haven't written much about him or his relationship with Mother since I don't feel right airing my family's dirty laundry so to speak, but suffice it to say that Sister and I cannot stand him and with good reason.
  
  
• Fiance and I have been spending a lot of time looking at wedding venues. It is really exciting but also exhausting. He is going abroad again tomorrow to spend another month with his parents, and while he is gone The Traveler is going to venue-shop with me. She is the PERFECT person to do it!!
  
  
• I also DIY gifts at this time of year. In the past it has been hats and/or scarves for Mother and Sisters, but this year I am trying to branch out. That means balaclava for Baby Sister (done), mittens for Kid Sisters (almost done) and Jay and Silent Bob fingerless gloves for Sister (in progress). Don't ask me how I am doing the last one - it was a vision I had involving knit gloves and felt and it is actually coming out REALLY well. I am planning to finish up quick and give them to her now so she can actually use them before Christmas. I'll post pictures, I promise.
  
  
• Trying to think of ways to save some dough for the wedding. Nothing earth-shattering has come up yet but let me bounce these off you:
  
  - Freelance writing/editing/blogging jobs
  
  - Saving pocket change in a jar (don't knock it till you've tried it, I've racked up plenty of spare $20s this way after a trip to a Coinstar machine)
  
  - Selling books and other things from my old bedroom, which Mother is threatening to empty out anyway
  
  - Putting in time to the Time Bank to receive not money, but services, in return (note: this is possibly the best idea I've ever heard of). I could get a graphic designer to do our invitations for free, for example.
  
  - Mooching my books to rack up points for Christmas gifts for Sisters
  
  - Eating out less and finding creative ways to go out with friends for less (haven't been successful at this yet, but cut me a break, it's New York City)
  
  Any other suggestions?

Shhh...

I am back in my hometown (city) spending time with my family for a month before returning to Texas. It's a secret I'm keeping from anyone at my job. Ha ha!

I have only been here for 2 days so far but I managed to find my old Halloween costume in the basement. Queen Guinevere is making a comeback at my sister's costume party tonight.

I lost about 14 pounds while abroad, and I'm hoping that the chocolate from tonight and tomorrow doesn't reverse it ;)

Happy Halloween!

Par-tay

Well, I had a blast at my two parties this weekend. Party #1 included friends like Bro, the Traveler, Future Priest, etc. We had a good time despite the fact that very few people were brave enough to tackle the karaoke machine and I laughed so hard I spit out a mouthful of Diet Coke over an entire pizza pie.

Party #2 was yesterday and much of Father's family was there: my grandparents, my aunts and cousins, my great aunt, my second cousins. It was the first time I had seen them since his funeral over a year ago and though it was difficult, it was quite worth it. Great Aunt also gave me a little family history, which was awesome. When I return to the States, I need to call her and ask her for more information for my genealogical research.

The rest of my stay, which is slowly coming to a close, should be relatively quiet. And then, onward! :)

I Love Lists

And I can't stop making them. That must say something about my personality but it's too early for me to figure out what.

• I bought two new pairs of shoes yesterday. They are gorgeous and were cheap. You don't understand what a big deal this is - I NEVER buy shoes because I need size 10 flats that aren't hideous and, well, those rarely exist. Score!
  
  
• I brought a pair of comfy, cute flip flops for the Traveler and I really need to remember to give them to her when I see her. She reads this blog, hence the public mental note. They are in my size but they are too small nonetheless and they seem like her style, at least for casual days.
  
  
• Friday friends are coming over, Saturday, family. Does it get any better? The only thing I'm dreading is the cleaning.
  
  
• One of the best things about hanging out with Mother now, after Father's death, is that she has constant stories about him back when life was simpler. It makes me miss him but I can't stop asking. She wants me to visit the cemetery while I'm in town - I will, but it doesn't mean much to me. I've gone once after the funeral and it doesn't feel like he is there, it just feels like a park with gravestones.
  
  
• Apparently I got my love of coffee from him. My mother drinks it but doesn't need to every day, whereas he drank it not only every morning but all throughout the day. Yeah, Dad, kick ass.
  
  
  
  
  
• I am starting to really like the idea of having a flower wreath instead of a bridal veil and bringing some earth/nature/hippy-ness to the wedding. I think I could pull it off. I don't want a fancy, poofy, lacey gown anyway.
  

I am currently in "the country" where my family has a vacation home. We are only spending the weekend. It has been a lot of fun. My family has had this place for 2+ years, but since I live out of state, I have only been here 2-3 times. I love it every time. It is so relaxing and beautiful. There is a lake and a ton of greenery, and the little house is quaint and perfect.

There is an 8 foot tall black bear on the loose this weekend, but I am trying not to worry about that. We leave tonight anyway.

The internet is slow here, but that's okay. It prevents me from spending too much time online and not enjoying the scenery.

Yesterday we had perfect weather: in fact, my sisters and I got some sunburn (the youngest one excepted, she is half-Hispanic and tans beautifully). We went to the lake and to the pool, ate barbecue and generally had a good time. This morning, everyone is still asleep, and it is raining outside.

I like the rain. I kind of hope it rains all day. It is a nice change from the 113 degrees I left behind in Texas.

I arrived home to spend some time with my family before Boyfriend and I leave the country. I am very tired but also wired for some reason, hence being up, blogging, this late. I already miss Boyfriend and all of the vaccinations I have had to get for the upcoming trip are making me sick. So, not too conducive to sleep.

General "at home" guilty pleasures that I plan to indulge in:

• Reading issues of Glamour that are inevitably lying around the house. Someone subscribed years ago and I don't even know if they read it. I don't subscribe to or buy that anti-feminist garbage but whenever I'm home I check up on those 10 Things to Do to Drive Him Wild, you know, just to keep an eye on the ideological competition.
  
• Shopping with Mother at the Italian market. Antipasto, cannolis and vino ... oh my!
  
• Taking Little Sisters out to movies, restaurants, the library, you name it.
  
• Seeing really good friends.
  
• Traveling to the family's vacation home in another state where I can lie on the swing on the porch and read books undisturbed.

Latest news

• I have a few days left to pack everything up and put it into storage before going home to visit with my family.
  
  
• Friend From Work has turned me on to Civilization IV. How did I not know about this game before?
  
  
• CL Friend's baby shower was a great success. Woohoo!
  
  
• I have become a big fan of Offbeat Bride :)
  
  
• I leave you with this awesome video that I just love:

I have not been writing because, for once, there is a ton of important stuff going on in my life, but I don't feel at liberty to discuss it on a public blog. We shall see if I decide to reveal any of it. (Ooh, will I have you coming back for more with this little cliffhanger?)

I have been wanting to go to church for weeks now. During the week I pick out a church (Episcopalian, of course), get all excited, and talk about going. I am set on going until Sunday morning, when something stops me. I just don't want to go, and I have a hard time believing it's pure Sunday laziness. I wonder what is drawing me to church on weekdays but repelling me when the time actually comes? Is this something I will get over soon, or will I never make it back?

My great uncle passed away a few days ago. I was so upset when I heard the news about his cancer but since I have been filing it away and ignoring my feelings. Therapist says that this habit of mine guarantees a long, drawn-out grieving process - not only in this case but over other losses as well - but I'm not ready to give it up yet.

And how are all of you?

I have a lot of things on my mind to write about. Where to start?

My great uncle (my grandmother's brother) has cancer. He went into the hospital for pneumonia, had a heart attack while he was there, and now they found cancer. He doesn't know yet. They told his wife, and she confided in another great uncle (bad move) so the whole family knows, but he doesn't.

One of my other great uncles (another sibling in this particular branch of the family) just had a heart attack. My grandmother (with whom I have less of a relationship than I do with these uncles, oddly enough) has diabetes and shot kidneys and all kinds of problems, though she seems to have stabilized of late.

Since I started researching my genealogy I have really wanted to reconnect with the family, especially older generations, to let them know I care about them and to hear their stories. I have been meaning to call the first uncle I mentioned for ages. I apparently didn't have the time. Now who knows if I will even get to? I have been trying to call but their answering machine is full and he doesn't have a phone in the hospital.

How much time does he have left? I wonder. Am I going to get to ask him about his life? His childhood, his parents, the time the Mafia tried to recruit him (or so he claims)? Or is all of that history going to die with him? He doesn't have any children.

I am really bummed, man. You always think you have time. Right now, I'd just be happy with a phone call to let him know I care. If I could get through.

The night before my sisters arrived, Boyfriend and I went food shopping to buy all the things they like. Boyfriend picked up some orange lily buds that hadn't yet opened. The buds bloomed throughout the week when my girls were here. Yesterday, on the last day of the visit, they were decrepit. I will have to throw them out today.

In addition, it was sunny while they visited (yes!) but today, the rains came. It's dark and grey.

Oh, the symbolism.

The Best News Ever

Sister and Kid Sisters #1 and #2 are coming to visit me for their spring break vacation. A whole week! Sister has been here before (a couple of years ago) but the children never have. I am so excited!

I wish I could blog more often. The sad truth is that I used to blog at work. It didn't take chunks out of my day - 5 minutes here, 5 minutes there, nothing compared with the breaks the smokers take - but now my monitor is so on display that I don't feel comfortable. Could you imagine if a colleague found my blog? I would die of shame and probably be fired, perhaps not in that order.

Whatever I had a week or two ago survived and is now lodged in one of my glands. Another round of antibiotics for me. Yay! *Rolls eyes*

Sister is kicking ass in college. I mean, the kid has been there a couple of weeks after 5 years of no academia whatsoever and she's already aced some English papers and gotten a 100% on a math test. Her English prof told her that her first paper was one of the best in the class. She has also met with some of my old advisors, who are encouraging her and offering to help her plan next semester and apply for internships. Somebody pinch me!!

This has been good for our relationship as well. Sister never really bothered with me - she was kind of self-absorbed and I often grew frustrated with continually reaching out and seeing no effort on her side. Now she calls me a lot - often to tell me about a new school development - and it is great! She does not yet ask about how I'm doing, but we'll get there :)

My dance classes are going extremely well. I went down 2 belt notches and the other night I tried on an old pair of jeans in a smaller size, and they fit. They were kind of snug for my comfort but I should be able to wear them soon, which is exciting.

That's all for now folks. Maybe I will go nap...

Boyfriend has brought it to my attention that I am neglecting my blog. I admit this, and in fact, I had already known. The fact is that my work life has ramped up, only slightly in hours but mostly in responsibilities, politics and stress, so that by the time I get home I am just laid out. So, my apologies.

The latest news with me is mostly work stuff, which no one finds interesting, least of all me. Re: family, Sister is kicking ass in college. I mean, I haven't seen her motivated in a long time (it has been a hard few years for my family, so I can't fault her too much), so this is totally exciting for me. She let me read and help edit her first paper the other day. It was written very well for someone who has not really written in about 6 years. She was always a talented writer growing up, forcing her stories and screenplays on the rest of us. My heart is very full, feeling so happy that she is coming into her own. People told me to wait and let her get a little older, but I didn't feel confident that she would do this. A large part of it is clearly the loss of my father. He always wanted her to go to college and all, and now she is doing it partially as a tribute, I think.

Re: leisure, I have been doing the normal stuff - reading, knitting, watching TV. The dance classes are new and they are so much fun I can barely take it. I am really encouraged that this might be the way for me to finally get in shape without too much suffering along the way. I lost 2-4 pounds in the last 2 weeks, and once my body stops crying after 3 classes a week, I will be able to ramp it up to 4. Not only that, but pretty soon you guys are going to want to be hitting the clubs with me :P

Updates work better in lists.

• I started taking belly dance and hip hop dance classes at the gym. I am literally oozing coolness right now. They are the most fun I've had in a while!
  
  
• My job has become soul-sucking and I now truly understand why people go "postal." One silver lining is a closer friendship with New Intern, who is no longer an intern, but a fellow sufferer.
  
  
• Sister is now in college for the first time in her life. It took a few years to get her there but I am crazy proud.
  
  

Home Again

I'm back in the land of 70 degree December weather. I really miss the family already but we have spoken a lot on the phone since I've been back. Today I will try to enjoy the rest of my weekend before having to return to work tomorrow. At least it is only a 3-day work week.

Cool Aunt and I have had another falling out. Big surprise. (I really need to give her a new name, removing 'Cool' from the title. Perhaps Funny And Entertaining But Psychotic Nonetheless Aunt?) I like to think that one of my strengths is being able to admit when I am wrong. I never have a problem apologizing to others after an argument - in fact, I am often overly apologetic. I honestly cannot say that this argument was my fault. I mean, I get along with everyone else in my family and she gets along with no one, family or otherwise.

The gist of it is that FAEBPNA will not allow me to have a relationship with her that does not involve bashing my mother. She sent me an email bashing my mother yesterday, and when I said that her allegations were untrue and that it was not a nice thing to say about Mother, she told me to just do her a favor and leave her alone. She proceeded to tell me off.

Families are fun, aren't they?? :)