I have been thinking out this blog post for a while so I might as well get down to it and write it.

This is going to sound terribly opportunistic, but I am going to take a leap and be honest. I have thought about going to church again, re-entering some form of faith, etc. In order to take on a new challenge, one must inevitably ask, "What's in it for me?" It sounds bad when you apply it to faith but I think the question is legitimate. What will I get out of rekindling a lost faith? It is a lot of work for me - to try to overcome my philosophical difficulties and doubts, to subdue my will to someone else's, not to mention waking up early on Sundays again. What will faith give to me that I don't currently have, and ostensibly need?

I have been struggling to come up with a good answer. I have had some experiences in my life that have led to my being a very anxious person. I was always an anxious child, waiting for the sky to start falling. So "God," to me, was a comfort. He was someone I could trust to keep me, and my loved ones, safe. This was my major faith benefit.

Now, as I look at God in a new light based on the events of recent years, I don't believe in the comfort of the church or the safety God is supposed to provide. There are many verses in the Bible that say that God protects believers, but:

a) I have found that to be untrue. Tragedies happen to Christians all the time, and if we are to follow this logic, it becomes quite easy to blame victims for not having enough faith, something that I abhor.

b) I don't quite like the implication. Are we not all God's children? Should Muslims or Jews have to suffer catastrophe because they weren't raised within a Christian paradigm?

In fact, stories of how God has spared Christians in tragedies like 9/11 when other people died just piss me off now.

I wonder if there is anything I can get out of church and religion if not comfort. I have never considered them outside of this context before, and it is strange and new. I can't help but wonder, is it even worth it if I will still have to face my vulnerability in this world?