Saturday, July 17, 2010

So Fiance and I have been hard at work on wedding planning. Since I am the web genius of the couple (yeah right), I'm in charge of the wedding website and Photoshopping the invitation PDF, among other things. We decided a while back that we wanted to incorporate old photos of our families into our decor. For example, we'd like to find a nice way to put up our parents' wedding pictures at our venue. We also decided - not to give a spoiler away to those of you who will be receiving invitations - to put old family photos up on our wedding website. I have been working on that, and it's a lot of fun.

The problem is that every time I look at an old picture of me and my father, I want to vomit. That sounds bad, but there's no other way to describe it. He has been dead for over 2 years - not that long, actually - and I have succeeded in living in denial and rarely thinking about it for just as long. Now my wedding is here. He will not be there. My father and I had a very difficult relationship and I never really fantasized about him walking me down the aisle or having a father-daughter dance with me before. I just kind of assumed he'd be there. And he won't. And that's kind of a big deal.

Sounds like I'm stating the obvious but when you make a strong effort not to think about someone for several years, it can surprise you that he is all you think about when your wedding's coming up. It is bringing up all kinds of feelings for me. Guilt about living in another state when he died unexpectedly one morning. Guilt about not spending his last years with him. Guilt about not appreciating him and what he had given me until after his death. It's a lot of guilt.

The easiest thing to do is to quickly click away from the pictures, but for some reason I can't look away. It's painful but I have to do it. There's only so long you can pretend that someone is still alive out there somewhere. One day you have to grow up, and maybe the day you commit to a lifelong, legally binding relationship with someone is the day for growing up.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

The drama at work continues through subtle hints that I will not be paid very much more for taking on the entire department. It never ends with these people. I am hanging back and waiting while they interview other people. If they want me in the end, we negotiate.

Meanwhile, 2 NY jobs are still pending, one of which looks extremely promising...

In other matters, we are getting down the wire on this wedding thing. Fiance and I spend all of our free time working on this. This week I've been finishing up the website and invitation and he's coordinating staff and choosing plates and flatware. Um, fun?

Saturday, July 03, 2010

It Shouldn't Be This Complicated

Wow! I feel like a whole new blogger with this whole new look.

So my life just got a whole lot crazier. I will try to keep this concise without losing any important details.

Sojourness decided to move back up north by end of month whether she has job or not. She got guaranteed freelance work and a family to stay with and is ready to leave the state of Texas. She has worked for the same company for 4 years, the last 2 spent doing the job of the director, with no real promotions or raises to speak of, and it's time to move on.

Sojourness interviewed for jobs up north last week. She was rejected for 2 and 2 are pending, one of which has already expressed to her that she is the lead candidate. That job is an entry-level position that she is willing to take despite her 4.5 years of experience because it's a recession and she wants to be in that city and that industry. The other is a manager position looking for slightly more experience than she has, but she was highly recommended by the higher ups.

A few days ago, she was offered a chance to apply for a director position at her current company. The person who left it did so at least 6 weeks ago and no one considered her for it until they had interviewed people out there and figured out that they cost a whole darn lot. They are laying it on thick that she would be perfect for the position but she is suspicious they will try to lowball her. If she takes it, she has to commit to remaining in Texas at least for now, which is not what she wants to do. Yet part of her thinks to herself, "Am I going to pass up being a director to go be entry-level? How long would it take me to become a director somewhere else?"

She interviews on Tuesday. She found out yesterday that her direct supervisor has been trying to sabotage her behind her back, telling the hiring manager that she is going to up and leave when she gets married, though she has never even hinted at such a thing.

Wow, it feels a lot better to phrase it in the 3rd person as if it's not happening to me.

Friday, July 02, 2010