Saturday, December 30, 2006
the weight i've gained has really been bothering me. since i'm home now i am seeing how i don't fit into my old clothes, or i do fit but not well anymore, and it really pisses me off. i guess i shouldn't complain - i could have way worse problems - but it makes me feel yucky. i want to get back into exercising and all that but it's hard in a house full of people. sister was like, "what do you care? you have a boyfriend already; it doesn't matter." yes, yes, i have a boyfriend, but that doesn't make me feel any less hideous.
i spent the last two days with the traveler, who i realized i hadn't seen prior to that in close to a year. i finally gave her some presents i had for her - a queer eye for the straight guy dvd collection, a carnevale mask jewelry box from venice, and a small "melt away your ex" candle ;) her birthday is a week after mine (which is in one week) and so these gifts are molto late.
speaking of which, i gotta figure something out for my birthday.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
almost done with the golden compass and it is fun. fantasy for young people in the harry potter vein, but different. the traveler gave it to me for my last birthday but i am only getting to it now. i am just in the mood for some easy reading right now to recuperate from the semester. next i'm going to read the 3rd book in the ladies' detective agency series. (and i've only read three of the harry potter's as well... i'm so behind in life.)
tonight i will see the old fellows. i am looking forward to it, especially seeing my old roommate from venice. she lives and works in korea now so it is rare that she is home. yipee!
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
after my father's accident, when everything went to shit, rumors started flying like crazy around the family. my dad got some money from an insurance policy and insisted i buy a "new" car (read: new to me). i argued against it. my car was a 17-year old p.o.s. but it was my first car and i loved it. he said that the fact that it constantly broke down worried him for my safety, so i gave in and bought a newer used car. my cousin and i had a confrontation when she repeated rumors to my face as if they were true, namely ones about my mother and about the fact that i had taken my father's insurance money to buy myself a brand new car. words were exchanged that were not pretty. my cousin told me that she didn't have a new car because her father could walk.
this was over a year ago and we haven't spoken since. every so often she sends me myspace friend requests but i either deny or ignore them. she has never apologized; just wants to forget it happened.
anyway, sister discovered from her myspace profile that she and her boyfriend are no longer together and she has moved back in with her mother. this has gotten me thinking... she is a single mother now and she's my age. maybe i should make peace with her because she could probably use a friend. sister thinks it would be something of a betrayal to my parents if i forgive my cousin. i just see it as being the bigger person, and it's not like either of my parents will care very much if i talk to her again.
what should i do? hold the grudge or let it go?
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
why does my hair look red in contrast to my skin? weird.
anyway, christmas day we went to see my dad and got kind of depressed. boyfriend was supposed to come over but didn't feel well. he braved it, though, to come and surprise me because he knew i was down. he stayed the night too. he's awesome.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
the change in temperature was a bit too much for me and i have caught a cold. it's not that bad of a cold, but i feel very weak and out of it and keep falling asleep all the time. that is the worst part. i couldn't pick up the traveler or boyfriend from the airport yesterday and today because i didn't think i could drive all that way.
sister says i'm always sick at home and that i'm either lazy or a hypochondriac. i got sick when i was away too but not as often. does stress manifest physically in me?
Friday, December 22, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
this morning as i took the girls to school, kid sister #2 asked me, "can you stay home?" "stay home from where?" i asked. she replied, "you can go places, but can you stay home?" i realized what she meant. "you mean don't go back to texas?" she nodded. i squirmed. i had to explain that i have a job there and that i have to go back but that i will be here for a while and will visit. felt kind of bad but she got over it quick since it was time for school. i know that will come up again; she had a real problem with me leaving in the first place and even refused to talk to me on the phone because she was so mad. when she finally did, she yelled "when are you coming home?? i want you to come home tonight!" made me feel terrible.
last night i hung out with bro, bro's friend (who i know from high school and subsequent hangouts) and childhood friend. it was great to see them again and we definitely have to get together several more times before i leave in january. oh, and bro has atari!!!! so we played at his house for a while, wooooo hooooo. at one point he was like, "man, these graphics are AWESOME!" which cracked me up.
i keep getting compliments on the green scarf that my friend from austin made me. childhood friend was like, "i wish i had friends that made me stuff." i don't know if that was a hint or not. :P
i also got a call last night from fellow seeker, whom i haven't really talked to in months. i am supposed to see him next week. i have missed him.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
i look at the offending child. she grins nervously. "it was an accident!" she yells, but her face betrays her. i walk over, gently take her head in my hands, and pretend to spit right into her hair. the spit-on child laughs hysterically; even the offending child does. i say, "i didn't really do it, but next time you spit on her, i will. and my spit is bigger. and stickier!!" we all laugh. the offending child says, "but you can spread germs that way!" i respond, "yes, you can, so don't do it to your sister." "we have the same germs," she protests, "we're twins!"
Sunday, December 17, 2006
i emailed my newspaper article to the christians in my life because i thought that they would be pleased with it. i do admit in the article that i might not believe certain things literally anymore, but overall, it is a very positive piece.
mentor emailed me today to tell me that he just read it. he said that we will always be friends but, naturally, he is sad about what i wrote and what i believe.
this came as a surprise to me. he has always been so open to talk and my questioning that sometimes i forget that he is a professor at a christian college. then sometimes he reminds me, like with this email. anyway, when my mother expresses disappointment in me i shrug it off because faith in her life is not as important as it used to be anyway. i suspect that her disappointment is not genuine; i think she just feels it is something she is obligated to say in order to remain a good christian mother. but for some reason what he said bothered me and made me feel ashamed of what i believe, which is not cool.
he didn't mean for it to be that way, but for some reason i have accorded him and certain other people a lot of respect, and the thought of being something other than what fits into their mold makes me feel as if i'm letting them down. it's silly, i know, but that's how i felt. he said that he admires my openness and seeking and that we just have to disagree. blah.
why is it so important for me to believe a certain way?
Saturday, December 16, 2006
this morning i finished "lamb: the gospel according to biff, christ's childhood pal" and, i have to say, it was one of the best books i have read in a long time. not only was it funny and interesting, but it really got to me emotionally. the characters of biff and joshua (jesus) and maggie (mary magdalene), starting out as childhood friends and going up to adulthood... wow. i am so sorry that it's over. 400-something pages but i wish it would have gone on forever, it was that good. i'm going to get one to give to veteran seeker for his birthday.
last night was my company's holiday party. it was dinner and drinks on a cruise on town lake. boyfriend and i had a great time, although we were so exhausted from finals that we wanted to leave after a couple of hours but couldn't unless we wanted to swim back, hehe. we came home and just crashed. all in all, a good time was had. the guy who drives me home and has an office right next to me hugged me when i said goodbye because i won't be back for at least a month. my boss gave me permission to stay home until the end of january so i can be there for my father's birthday.
i'm such a sad individual. i cut my finger somehow without noticing and got blood on my white shirt, and i was walking around the office that way. it was so embarrassing, especially since today was the only day i had to discuss being hired full-time with my boss. i felt like such a goof: "please hire me even though i wear shirts with prominent stains to work." i didn't cut myself until i got here but no one knew that, dammit!!
i am very happy to say that, stain and all, he did hire me. beginning in february when i get back to austin, i will be working here full-time and taking my remaining classes online. very happy and excited and proud :) woohoo health insurance! i feel like such a grownup.
i submitted a second piece i wrote to the editor who published my last one, but she said she was "going to pass on this one." i felt embarrassed and yucky, but hey, that's the life of the writer. rejection and being misunderstood. there's this unbelievable quote by j.d. salinger in his short story "de daumier-smith's blue period" that i just love: "the worst that being an artist could do to you would be that it would make you slightly unhappy constantly." isn't that great?? i think i'm going to stick it on the side of the blog with my other favorite quotes.
i finished "the arabian nights" yesterday. my version was a bit of a rip-off because it omitted the story of aladdin and the lamp and sindbad the sailor and ali baba and the 40 thieves - basically the reason you would read "the arabian nights" - but it was good nonetheless. the stories were interesting. the only thing that got to me was the treatment of women. i know it shouldn't have, especially because it's so dated, but there was all this i-suspect-you-of-cheating-so-i-will-cut-you-up-into-pieces incidents, and many times they were wrong and were like you-didn't-cheat-oh-what-have-i-done? stuff like that annoyed me. but overall, good stuff. i need to go read the famous tales online now.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
i'm making some pecan delight "pies" to bring to work tomorrow. i feel bad that i scarfed at potluck day but didn't bring anything. granted, it wasn't my fault... no one told me and people kept insisting i eat, but hey, whatever. i'm my mother's daughter. don't go to dinner or anything else without bringing something!!
speaking of whom, i really hope she remembers to pick me up at the airport on monday.
anyway, what else? i threw away all of my chem notes and it felt really good to watch them sink into the dumpster and know that they will never again be a part of my life.
i should start packing my shit to go home. not taking much - i've got clothes and books there, and my lappie is broken, so it's really just the toothbrush and cell phone charger, i guess. but i would like to at least put all my stuff away because hopefully we will find someone to live here for the month so we don't throw away a month's rent while at home. i don't need some weirdo going through my bras or something.
britain is giving me permission to blame it on the beau.
Boyfriends blamed for women's weight gain from PhysOrg.combut i ate badly before i even met him, so that doesn't work.
Moving in with a boyfriend and breaking up with a
boyfriend cause women to gain weight, British researchers say. [...]
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
this morning the intelligent, spiritual jerk in my class gave his presentation. he apologized for being a jerk during the semester and attributed it to getting bad news mid-semester and projecting his feelings into class. he then gave an awesome presentation on eastern philosophy and martial arts. he told us that humans have infinite potential that we don't utilize and he demonstrated by breaking wood blocks with the palm of his hand. he talked about the upper and lower mind, the importance of morality and, should we choose, spirituality, and some other things as well. i really enjoyed it.
another funny thing - there's a catholic 20-year-old actor in my class and he has brought jesus up often since we have been studying the bible. he brought up the idea of beowulf as a christ-figure last and apparently that's what he wrote his paper on. the end of the semester must have gotten to him, however, because he wrote "jesus" throughout the paper instead of "beowulf." the professor gave us an excerpt: "there are several reasons why jesus should not be considered a christ-like figure." we were all laughing. a classmate said, "dude, did you disprove christianity?" we told him the pope will be after him and he said, "i think i'm the most wanted man in christendom after that essay."
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
anyway, i found out that i definitely have my 'C' in chemistry, even if i decide not to take the final, but i am only like 40 points away from a 'B'. the final is worth 120 points and a homework (that i have already completed) is worth 20 so i'm thinking i should get a 'B.' i won't do that badly on the final. she gave us a little "cheat card" that we can write whatever we want on, and i write small when it counts.
took part 1 of brit lit final today and it wasn't hard at all. thursday is the essay part, that will be a pain. also have to finish a stupid paper on how i would make one of the works we read into a movie. sounds fun, you say. no, because she won't let us be creative or anything. we have to replicate the exact work. what is the point then? you ask. damned if i know.
there's an older woman in my world lit class and on monday she kept telling me that she loved my article in the paper. she also said that she clipped it out and is going to laminate it for me! i was like, wow, are you sure? and she said that she has all the necessary materials at her job and it's no big deal. nice people are awesome.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
i broke down a little bit last night and probably will again before the day is over, but i am in a better place than i was last year, i think.
it is still very hard. it pops up all the time. when i sat down to take my chemistry test i thought about my mom, dad and i hanging out, some specific time that we will never relive, and then i had to push it out and say, "not now, i can't think of that now," and move on to take the test. sometimes i still cannot do that. last night i forced boyfriend to watch rudolph and frosty the snowman and when frosty melted, i just totally cried, but i wasn't crying because the cartoon snowman was a puddle of water - although that is pretty depressing - but because christmases will never involve my father the way they used to. i mean, we still see him but he is never home with us to open presents around the tree and walk in front of the video camera while mom is trying tape and so she yells at him, laughingly, to get his butt out of the way.
and thanks to all my friends who aren't physically with me on this day, but who are with me anyhow. i love you.
the paper wasn't here yet, so i went to the website and found my article. at first i couldn't find it and worried they had postponed it (which wouldn't be a big deal if my entire class and coworkers weren't looking for it today). then i found it. i was really disappointed in the picture - major yuck - but when i heard the paper hit the ground outside our sliding side door minutes later, i saw that it is so small and black-and-white in the actual paper that it's not too bad. in the actual paper, i look cute if pudgy. on the website, i look like the blob that may or may not eat austin. but that's okay, life is short and i am not going to punish myself for having gained some weight after leaving italy. i can't help it if all i did there was walk in the heat and drink water! *sucks in cheeks* damn you, barbie.
Friday, December 08, 2006
this morning my world lit prof embarrassed me a little. he was like, "hey, when is your article coming out?" and i was like, "um... tomorrow." he wrote it on the board and made like three announcements to the class that everyone has to buy the paper tomorrow and read it. i was like, "ohhhh.. please don't write it on the board." so red-faced!
naturally the airhead girl in my class that angers everyone with her presence exclaimed, "i'm only reading it if it's good... hehehe joking!" what a yutz.
i am pretty excited, though. me in black and white print.
also, that website sent me my first book to review. free books and publication of my reviews. score, baby.
today was potluck day at work but i didn't know because i'm never there. was tipped off by a coworker and my boss and when i went into the conference room - wowww. i mean, there was all kinds of food and then there were all manner of desserts. i was eating brownies and chocolate covered peanut butter balls and crazy stuff like that. yum.
my buddy from class - the one i went to a couple of movies and the open mic with - and i are going to hang out thursday night because we will both be finished with finals then. she said she wants to hang out before i go home for the holidays because she has a christmas present for me. isn't that sweet? her birthday just passed so i am thinking a birthday/christmas present from home when i return in january. i know it will be late but she's never been there, and why would i just buy her something from here when that would be cooler?
this weekend is going to be a bitch but i'm feeling fine at the moment.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
i had to email my boss and ask if i could cut back on my hours during finals week so that i don't have a nervous breakdown because that's not good for anybody, right? he was cool about it, said no prob.
i told my mom that she can look forward to me laying around the house pretty much the whole time i'm there for the holidays. i guaranteed christmas-cookies-eating and reading for hours on end. i'm nearly salivating thinking about it, i'm so tired.
ohhhh i forgot to tell you, they were unable to get my laptop working so out of the goodness of their hearts they are only going to charge me $75 for not fixing it. that's $75 to get my broken laptop returned to me. i don't have money to buy a new one anytime soon unless i start selling my body or something.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
1 chem test (and a retest if my stupidity is reflected in the grade), 1 chem final, 1 2-day brit lit final, 1 final brit lit paper, 1 final world lit paper, 1 chem lab, 2 chem homeworks.
did i mention work as well?
bah. i'm so crabby. why does aunt flo have to coincide with the end of the semester? bah.
i had a hell of a time trying to explain why boyfriend doesn't celebrate christmas to kid sister #1 last night. i was wondering, do i go with the american v. indian angle or the christian v. hindu angle? in the end i decided that despite santa claus, it really is a christian holiday, and non-american christians celebrate it, so i took the religion angle. she was still confused. i tried to explain that our family is christian and she said "my friend james has a sister with that name!" i was like "no sweetheart, that's kristen." i need to find some kind of kiddie book on this stuff.
that being said, i asked kid sister #2 what she wanted for christmas and she said, "i like barbie." oh the horror! so i went online to find some kind of feminist alternative to barbie, like maybe an anatomically correct doll or a full-figured barbie that's not rosie o'donnell but i couldn't find a damn thing. you would have thought some femme company would have done this for their daughters by now. maybe they have but haven't successfully done the google keyword thing.
i grew up with barbies and i turned out okay but i still have urges to cut off pounds of my flesh on bad days, so who knows what the psychological effects were... they don't need that shit. it's like that guy who proved that segregation was psychologically damaging by asking black children which dolls were more attractive, the black ones or the white ones (they said white) as well as which ones they personally identified with (many of them cried and became upset at being associated with the black doll). i didn't have barbie's body as a child and i never will, so who needs it. then you wind up a wacko like this chick.
anyway, blogging is my escape from the reality of academia, which is why i am so long-winded today.
i got really excited last night when i saw that the show "house" has a new commercial playing, what song?? jars of clay's work!! ahhhhh :) the funny thing is, that's my ring tone, and my phone started ringing during the commercial. same song!
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Monday, December 04, 2006
then i come home tonight to find emails from the editor of the ovaries book not only giving me permission to have the event, but instructions on how to get her out here to co-host with me. aaahhh!! only thing is i have no money to do this so will take serious planning and marketing and getting help, but i will do it. i want it enough.
damn i'm excited.
now i'm sitting here jamming (yes, jamming) to jars of clay's latest and eating crappy frozen pizza.
this saturday my story will be in the paper! yay!
i will miss that class. bar a few annoying people it was really fun and awesome. i love being surrounded by smart people who are passionate about the same things you are.
on pg. 84 of arabian nights, a 428 pg. book. two weeks left until the book club meeting to discuss. doubt i will finish but will get as far as i can - it's great.
have put biff aside because (1) don't have to discuss until end of december and am almost done and (2) want to save something i really love for plane reading when i go home. i never have a great book on a plane; they're always mediocre and i read for five minutes then stop. this time will be different!
tonight is an open mic reading at the local coffeehouse. my friend from class is reading some of her stuff and invited me. think my prof will be there too. i will definitely go but am a bit nervous about my writing. the only stuff i don't think is crap is a bit too personal to read. well, maybe not, but i'm a big baby. will let you know.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
the little teeny pin inside where you plug it in to charge broke, and $175. why don't you rip me a new one while you're at it?
this weekend is dedicated to studying for a chem test and preparing my most excellent monday presentation on the amazon women. archaeological evidence has surfaced to prove that they existed. i never knew that - thought they were only a myth - and this has been perhaps the most fun project i have ever taken on for school (or anywhere). unbelievable stuff. if you're lucky, maybe i will summarize when i'm done.
okay, so i read "that takes ovaries!" which is a collection of stories about bold, brazen women (play on "that takes balls!") including everything from fighting racism and sexism to taking on what no other girl would in gym class. awesome book. at the end of the book, the editor discussed possibilities for holding your own "that takes ovaries!" event. you can do an open mike/reading where you read a couple of the stories then let women tell their own (or men tell stories about great women they know). i got really excited and want to have one that is also a fundraiser. would you like to know why? (not for the faint of heart, she warns.)
i know that i get on various "kicks," such as my animals rights/vegetarianism kick, and right now i am concerned about women's rights abroad. firstly, female genital mutilation is a horror that maims young girls in africa. sex abuse is also a widespread problem there (don't read that one unless you're prepared to cry your eyes out; i made the mistake of reading it at work). honor killings in the middle east and elsewhere have to go too.
i'm not being ethnocentric or requiring that other cultures become like the west or like the u.s. - i think that's a bunch of crap. this is not about culture, however; it is about human rights. i feel like i have to do something. i could make a donation but that would just be whatever small amount i can afford, and it would be nice to have a large event and really raise something that will make a larger difference.
anyway, i have applied for registration to the TTO people. let's cross our fingers that it all works out.
december has begun and you know what that means: new yummy-licious magazine issues. check out estella's revenge if you want to read about my dysfunctional family and girlistic! just because it kicks ass.
also, those of you who write should really think of submitting to estella's revenge. we need more contributors to stay alive, folks. i want to see this mag around a long time because i love it, and i'm not just saying that because my writing is in there.