So Fiance and I have been hard at work on wedding planning. Since I am the web genius of the couple (yeah right), I'm in charge of the wedding website and Photoshopping the invitation PDF, among other things. We decided a while back that we wanted to incorporate old photos of our families into our decor. For example, we'd like to find a nice way to put up our parents' wedding pictures at our venue. We also decided - not to give a spoiler away to those of you who will be receiving invitations - to put old family photos up on our wedding website. I have been working on that, and it's a lot of fun.

The problem is that every time I look at an old picture of me and my father, I want to vomit. That sounds bad, but there's no other way to describe it. He has been dead for over 2 years - not that long, actually - and I have succeeded in living in denial and rarely thinking about it for just as long. Now my wedding is here. He will not be there. My father and I had a very difficult relationship and I never really fantasized about him walking me down the aisle or having a father-daughter dance with me before. I just kind of assumed he'd be there. And he won't. And that's kind of a big deal.

Sounds like I'm stating the obvious but when you make a strong effort not to think about someone for several years, it can surprise you that he is all you think about when your wedding's coming up. It is bringing up all kinds of feelings for me. Guilt about living in another state when he died unexpectedly one morning. Guilt about not spending his last years with him. Guilt about not appreciating him and what he had given me until after his death. It's a lot of guilt.

The easiest thing to do is to quickly click away from the pictures, but for some reason I can't look away. It's painful but I have to do it. There's only so long you can pretend that someone is still alive out there somewhere. One day you have to grow up, and maybe the day you commit to a lifelong, legally binding relationship with someone is the day for growing up.

I thank God that I have never lost someone close to me to suicide. Yet recently, I have seen people that I love touched by suicide, and it is pretty terrifying. In the first case, a few weeks ago a good friend lost a friend and colleague who was about my age. The girl had been applying to medical school, had a good job and plenty of friends, and showed no signs of severe depression or suicidal tendencies before doing this. Then yesterday I found out that a good friend and colleague of my mother's took his life. He was only 32, and I had met him a few times. Though I didn't know him well, he was my mother's closest friend at work. She talked about him constantly when she started her job 10 years ago and I was still a teenager living at home. I actually feel like I did know him, though I really didn't. Apparently he, too, showed no signs until he posted a farewell note on his Facebook account and ended his life.

I can't stop thinking about him. I see him when I try to go to sleep. I keep remembering his last words on Facebook. I try to be supportive of my mother's grief and hide my own. Why is this affecting me so much when he wasn't technically my friend?

Suicide is so incredibly horrible because it's preventable. The person did not get cancer or get hit by a bus. The person made a definitive choice to end his/her life. Did they really think it through? I wonder. Did they realize it would be over for good? Why didn't they know how important they were to the rest of us, how much we would suffer for this?

And when the basic human instinct is to survive at all costs, why are so many of us making such a choice? According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, every year over 1 million people kill themselves across the globe. What is going on?

I can't get this out of my mind. I feel such a sadness.

Related story: PostSecret Suicide Confession Starts an Offline Movement

Bitch Fest

Well, one good thing about having this anonymous blog is... Bitch Fest!!

I guess we all have days like this but wow, you know when every possible thing that can go wrong does go wrong? That was my day.

Fridays are supposed to be super happy. I had a lunch date with CL Friend and besides, it was Friday, so I started off pretty well. Then...

• New Boss was a jackass only minutes after 8:00 am. He got really nasty and passive-aggressive with me about my plans to have lunch with a friend since he wanted to schedule a half-hour meeting at 12:30 (who does that?). All I did was ask if we could do it at any other time and he made a point of talking about me to others, often in front of me, while being friendly to my face. Yeah, this is what I have to deal with folks. Meanwhile, every other department takes 3 hour lunches on Fridays.
  


• Stupid meeting where we had to stroke a salesguy's ego and it was heavily hinted that I should learn a new product because no one else has time. I kindly pointed out that I already do all the writing & marketing and am currently learning to manage the website singlehandedly (for no more money, mind you, and making less than everyone else anyway). So I'm kind of busy too. I love when I'm in a meeting and the higher ups ask, "So, who's going to volunteer to do this totally unrealistic thing?" then look directly at me and the other underpaid women in the room. Why don't you just ask "Who in this room has a uterus?" and say what you really feel?
  
  
• I get out of the meeting to find an email in my inbox that I did not get that job I really wanted. Not only that, but after spending 3 hours of my life meeting with 4 different people, they saw fit to have a random employee I've never had contact with send me a form email. Thanks guys. Professional.
  
  
• After work I went to grab a quick dinner to go and the strap on my beautiful purse from India ripped off completely.

Fortunately, the day turned around after work. I visited the teen girls that I mentor and we had a fantastic time. We made pizzas, played cards, talked about boys and laughed a lot. Thank God for that.

Fiance has been gone for 12 days. He'll be back in 3 weeks. Painful, I tell you. But we are getting through. I have my sisters to ease the pain, and he has his servants and swimming pool :)

After several years, I am starting to resent my work as a ghostwriter. It is draining to never get credit for your work, to have it go to someone else who hasn't done anything. I know this is what I get paid for, but it is hard. I just saw some feedback on an article I wrote. My boss, who supposedly wrote it, was hailed by the magazine editor as one of the top writers on this subject in business. (Would they still find it so compelling if they knew it did not come from a middle-aged CEO, but from an underpaid 20-something woman?) Such a high compliment for my work, but it didn't go to me. And instead of feeling good about it, I feel like crap.

Another post to piggyback the last one since I STILL CAN'T SLEEP. I've gargled with warm salt water, taken Nyquil, taken Halls and consumed a hot beverage - nothing. I'm hoping the Nyquil will kick in soon. Mother got me 'Less Drowsy' which would be good under normal circumstances but now I'm wishing it was More Drowsy. (I didn't even know they made Less Drowsy.)

Wedding planning is exciting and overwhelming at the same time. Part of me is like, Yay, this is so much fun! and the other part is like, Geez, I only get one of these and I want it to be just so and how can I ever make these decisions? The internet is both a blessing and a bane. It has so many fantastic ideas but I wind up bookmarking them all and that's just more overwhelming. Here are my favorite blog feeds of late:

Offbeat Bride
DIY Bride
My DIY Wedding Day
craftmybride
Budget Savvy Bride

Random thought: I could go for a trip to the library.

My throat is very, very sore and I can't sleep. Darn it!!

Today I had lunch with Fiance, the Traveler and the Traveler's Mate, Bro, Best Friend and Childhood Friend. We ate at a Thai restaurant in Brooklyn. I was able to give them their gifts from abroad and Bro gave me some souvenirs from Boston that he picked up for me. It was a lot of fun :) I had really missed them while I was away.

I have a lot of things on my mind to write about. Where to start?

My great uncle (my grandmother's brother) has cancer. He went into the hospital for pneumonia, had a heart attack while he was there, and now they found cancer. He doesn't know yet. They told his wife, and she confided in another great uncle (bad move) so the whole family knows, but he doesn't.

One of my other great uncles (another sibling in this particular branch of the family) just had a heart attack. My grandmother (with whom I have less of a relationship than I do with these uncles, oddly enough) has diabetes and shot kidneys and all kinds of problems, though she seems to have stabilized of late.

Since I started researching my genealogy I have really wanted to reconnect with the family, especially older generations, to let them know I care about them and to hear their stories. I have been meaning to call the first uncle I mentioned for ages. I apparently didn't have the time. Now who knows if I will even get to? I have been trying to call but their answering machine is full and he doesn't have a phone in the hospital.

How much time does he have left? I wonder. Am I going to get to ask him about his life? His childhood, his parents, the time the Mafia tried to recruit him (or so he claims)? Or is all of that history going to die with him? He doesn't have any children.

I am really bummed, man. You always think you have time. Right now, I'd just be happy with a phone call to let him know I care. If I could get through.

I am currently sipping my french vanilla coffee and swaying to Putumayo Presents Celtic Tides. Thank you, Public Library. Does it get any better than this? When I'm done with these, it's on to Arabic Grooves and Best of World Music: African. I feel like everything these guys put out is awesome.

I saw a throat specialist yesterday who said that my three recent bouts with severe sore throat is due to my tonsils. He said that he wouldn't recommend getting them out unless I am at my wit's end, missing work for example (um, check). He said it is very painful and it's a 2-3 week recovery process with a 2-3% chance of internal bleeding. Yay! Sign me up!

He told me to do a hot saltwater gargle every night, even when I'm not sick, as a preventative measure. He claims to have kept people out of the OR that way. I am torn on what to do. I would like to at least try it, though my friends who have had tonsils out say they wish they had done it sooner because they've never been healthier. Hmm.

I like the list method. It suits me.

• I may have strep throat. I went to the doctor yesterday and should be finding out today. Lovely.
  
  
• Valentine's Day was sort of a bust because of the (possible) strep throat. I had a whole fancy dinner planned but none of it came to pass because I was sick in bed.
  
  
• Valentine's Day was also awesome because for the first half of the day, before the illness set in, I watched movies, decorated cookies and ate chocolate with my favorite girls in the world (aside from my sisters) - the girls I visit on weekends. They even gave me a Valentine! :)
  
  
• I was in a knitting funk until I decided to start a super cool top for Sister. I bought Simply Soft yarn in a pale green and am working on it right now.
  
  
• Plans continue to be made for Boyfriend's Sister's wedding this summer in Bali. As in, Future MIL is asking for my measurements to make me an Indian outfit!
  

Oh, sweet heating pad on my neck. What would I do without you?

I am starting to get sick of extremely painful sore necks. The doctor told me (the last time I got one) that it was probably stemming from something I am doing to strain the muscles, without knowing it. This doesn't seem right to me because I only get them when I wake up in the middle of the night and I have been sweating. And it's cold. I am thinking it makes more sense that sweat + cold = chill = sore neck.

Whatever the cause, I need to be rid of it!! The doctor has given me muscle relaxers, which are useless if you want to keep your job. They knock you out and you can only take them if you are prepared to sleep for a while. You might as well give me Valium; I'm sure the pain would subside if I were sleeping regardless of whether or not my muscles are relaxed.

I'm back home. Well, my current home, as opposed to my family/city-of-origin home, where I was last week.

Sadly, when Boyfriend and I returned to our apartment, our worst fears were confirmed - his coughing, wheezing, I-can't-breathe thing is definitely because of Cat. We had hoped it was something else: a virus, infection, whooping cough, anything that could be improved without the removal of our darling girl, but it was not to be. The woman who sold her to me picked her up on Saturday. Cat cried. I cried. It was traumatic.

Aside from that, I suppose it is good being back. I had a bit of a hard time leaving my family so I am not as relieved to be home as I usually am after those kinds of trips. I just feel sad. It seems rather obvious to attribute the sadness to my father's death, as these are the first holidays without him, but I am not psychoanalyzing myself much. Just sad.

On the bright side:

*My trip home yielded tons of ancient family photos that I scanned and kept for myself. I learned, for instance, what my paternal great grandmother looked like. I also got tons of pictures of my father as a child, and am enjoying pointing out comparisons between his looks and those of myself and my sisters.

*In the next two weeks, I'm going to two Christmas parties, one birthday party and one cookie baking party.

*I finally finished all the knitting for my little sisters, so I can get back to knitting for other people by Christmas.

*It is winter, and therefore I am free to spend my nights and weekends in pajamas, reading, writing, knitting, listening to music, watching movies, sipping hot chocolate or any combination of these. In other words, winter is the time for hibernation, and the only time of year where my homebodiness as an alternative to social ineptitude becomes socially accepted. Thank you, Sister Winter.

I... can't... move... my... neck. I had to leave work on Thursday and stay out Friday because of a sick feeling accompanied by severe neck, shoulders and back pain. I hesitate to call it a cold outright because it is really characterized by feeling feverish, feeling like I am going to fall over, and having that overall sick feeling. Not coughing or sneezing, but I can barely move, and I didn't pull any muscles or perform any strenuous activity. Not sure what is going on.

Yesterday was a strange day. (I nearly said today because it is the middle of the night.) I had severe caffeine withdrawal because we keep decaf coffee in the house, and I deliberately did not go out and buy a soda. I figured I would just get over the cold turkey days and then I can get off coffee for good, like I did just before Father's death.

Well, ibuprofen was no match for the killer headache (migraine?) I had all day. As in, it hurts to have my eyes open. As in, I'm going to go take a 3-hour nap right after breakfast.

I went to bed fairly early, as you can guess, and then woke up at 3:00 AM with a horrific upset stomach. I've still got it, though Alka Seltzer and tea have calmed it a bit. This has never happened with caffeine withdrawal before, so I am inclined to think it was something I ate today.

I have a craft party to go tomorrow (uh, today) and am hoping I don't have to cancel, but since I still feel like hurling, it might just go that way.

*

In other news, I miss my father like nobody's business.

I noticed that I am consuming more dairy than I should. You are supposed to have 2-3 servings a day but if I have milk in my cereal, half and half in my tea and cheese in my eggs, I'm done by breakfast time. As a serious cheese lover, this is tough. Boyfriend pointed out to me that my hot beverages (tea or the occasional coffee) hit me in both of my weak areas - dairy and sugar. He is totally right, so this week I am experimenting - trying to have only (black) green tea all week. I drink green tea, but always as a seconds or thirds to my English breakfast tea. Let's just see if this works.

I am going to be so healthy by the end of this, man.

I am also trying to go veg again, but it's going slowly. We have succeeded in getting rid of meat in the house, hence in our lunches and dinners, but we barbecued with friends on Saturday and shared a steak. I am hoping to work my way back to the light (since Bro says I returned to the meat-eating dark side).

Boss just asked me what Jesus did on Easter Monday. "I dunno," I shrugged. "What? You're like the resident Christian here," he answered. This was news to me since I am: a) not technically a Christian and b) we have a minister on staff. "Uh, I'm, uh, not.." I answered. "You're not?" he asked, pondering this. Then, remembering my answer to his initial question, said, "Apparently not."

It might be due to something I published in the local paper that was circulated around the office, but that was a while ago and I guess it was misconstrued.

Yesterday Boyfriend and I got rear-ended in a parking lot. We pulled in and I was going to take a spot right in front of us but noticed it was for 30-minute customers only. I decided to back up a bit so I could clear it, but upon looking in my rearview mirror I saw that a parked car on the other side was backing out, so I waited without moving. I soon realized that he was going way too fast and getting way too close, but by the time I could beep him, he hit us. There wasn't any kind of terrible damage, just cosmetic, but Boyfriend and I had sore necks all day. We let him go since it wasn't bad, though I have his phone number in case a terrible injury erupts. He was like, "Oh sorry! I thought you had driven past already." That's why you look behind you when you back up, asshole. If a small child had walked out behind the car he could have killed it.

I'm having a good Monday morning, although something bummed me out a little. I was looking at the Thanksgiving photos that Sister put up on one of her social networking site profiles, and I saw that beneath the one of myself, my sisters, my aunt and my mother, my aunt - who is a feminist that I greatly admire - commented with a laugh that Sister looks thinner and prettier than the rest of us.

This is a silly superficial thing that shouldn't bother me, but it does. Why does thin = pretty? Or if it does not, I suppose that Sister is just fortunate enough to have it all.

Eh, whatever.

I found out today that I do have a dry socket. I knew it... when I read that a dry socket causes the worst pain imaginable, I knew that's what I have. I went back to the surgeon yesterday and he said maybe it was a muscle thing, since everything looked good. I went back today in desperation: "Please, help me!!" He decided to "go inside" and see what was up. Great.

Well, he found some knot of tissue that was covering my dry socket, which was why he didn't see it. Is that normal? No. Of course not. He took it out and now I've gotta... you know what? I don't remember.

I'm tired and drugged.

I also have to go back to the surgeon on Friday, then take a final that afternoon, and lose pay for practically the whole day.

Does someone want to kill me now?

My surgeon opened his office today (on a Saturday morning) to see me. He is the nicest guy ever.

Apparently I don't have a dry socket, and he's not sure why I'm in such terrible pain. He thinks I just have to get through it and when I see him again Monday I will be better. He gave me more drugs.

Good God, when will it end?

Now I get to spend my weekend in bed, studying and sleeping. Hmm. Doesn't sound so bad, aside from the horrific pain :)

Worst... pain... of... life...

Must... be... dry socket...

I can't stop biting my nails even though it hurts my teeth to do so. Is this some kind of disorder?

Looking forward to after work noshing with CL Friend. I need some relaxing girl time because I've had a hellish week, what with having something ripped from my gums by the roots and all.

I can see a light at the end of the tunnel with my Shakespeare class but I am going to have to haul ass this weekend and next week. I need to do well on that final *winces*

I just went out on my lunch break and bought myself a pretty little brown leather journal for my poetry, just because.

Where is Bumpkin?

I had the problematic wisdom tooth taken out yesterday. I was so frightened about it, and it turned out to be nothing at all. It didn't even hurt! Except for the injection, and that was so minor.

The thing that is bugging me is the afterwards pain. The bleeding yesterday was both disgusting and stressful but that has stopped now. Now I am just rinsing with an antibiotic that makes all my food taste bad. Eh, I can live with that for a week.

I decided that I needed some new girlfriends so I went on Craigslist and solicited some. I have been talking with one woman - I guess I will call her CL Friend - who is totally cool. We do the same kind of work and her relationship reminds me of mine (though she's married) and I think we will get along great. We are meeting for drinks and appetizers after work Friday. (My drink will have to be a Diet Coke because I am still hopped up on Vicodin.)

I am just so happy. I know I am an emotional person with mood swings and such but in my life, right now, I am just so happy. I lay in bed and think that before I go to sleep. Life is just so good. (We'll see how happy I am when I go home for a stressful Thanksgiving, but that's another story ;)

Oh, I also joined a group of people who meet for lunches in different restaurants. I love eating out and don't know all that many places in my somewhat-still-new city so I joined. I went to one on Tuesday and the people were cool and the food was good. Fun!