I was thinking recently that I really need to get my relationship with God together because I need a refueling station. I know that's a really selfish reason, but let's be perfectly honest: we're humans and we're selfish. How many people turn to God after having catastrophic experiences when they need comfort and an assurance of the afterlife? How many look for Him when their lives feel hopeless? It's what we do. I remember bringing the subject up to Cool Aunt when I was a teenager, and she said, "Yes, it's selfish, but He accepts us anyway."
So anyway, a refueling station. Someone to go to when I just can't take everything anymore. Before everything hit the fan, I was reticent about returning to Christianity. My life was okay, so I didn't need to worry about pleasing God. But when my life is not okay, I do. I can't face these things on my own. I know how selfish that is. But I would rather go to God because of selfishness than not go to Him at all, and I'm sure He feels the same way about it.
I'm not saying I'm going to use God or religion. I'm not. I'm in this for the long haul - good days as well as bad, sunny skies as well as thunderstorms. The point is, I need God. I'll keep searching and questioning, and perhaps I'll alter some old beliefs and ideas, but that basic fact won't change. And if, as Cynic says, that makes me weak, then so be it. If a need for meaning makes a person weak, then most of humanity throughout history has been weak. I don't think it's about strength or weakness... I think it's about being humble enough to acknowledge that we don't inherently have everything needed for a fulfilling life.
From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us.
'For in him we live and move and have our being.'