A Long December

Recent spiritual happenings:

1. I have been listening to Christian music in the car. I haven't listened to it in ages, but for some reason, I don't want to listen to anything else. I played Todd Agnew's "Grace Like Rain" about thirty times in the past three days.

2. I began rereading C.S. Lewis's A Grief Observed. Those of you who were around last April may remember the first time I read this book, and the profound effect it had upon me. It is different the second time around, but is still very powerful. I realized something about Lewis while rereading this one. He is the only author that I can think of at the moment whom I look at as a friend. I know that sounds weird; it sounds weird to me as I type it. I can't really explain it. Those of you who love books may know what I'm talking about. I have heard avid readers refer to certain books as "friends," and I totally understand that. But it seems that I have such a deep fondness for and connection to Lewis that no matter which book of his that I pick up, it is like reconnecting with someone close to me. I love that feeling. I also think that A Grief Observed is my favorite of his because it's the least preachy and the most intimate. Maybe I should read his letters? Would they be similar? I wonder.

3. I have been dying to go to church. I don't know why. I don't know what I expect to find there. I just really have a strong desire to go. I would like to go to the Episcopalian church Fellow Seeker and I used to go to because I feel the most comfortable there. He, however, doesn't want to go there anymore. He said that he would go to church with me, but I worry that our paths are finally diverging. (I was amazed at how we traveled alongside each other for so long, but I guess that couldn't last.) I am missing something in my life, looking for it in spirituality in general if not the church, and at the same time, he is so angry at God. I completely understand those feelings, have had them myself, but not at the moment. So where do the two of us go from here?

4. I told Sister about a paper I am writing on spirituality, and upon hearing some of it, she asked, "So what, are you an agnostic now?" I said, "I don't know," and she jokingly shouted out, "Moooommmm, she's an agnostic!" I rolled my eyes at her. "I said, 'I don't know.'" She said, "That's what it means to be an agnostic." And I realized that she was right.

5. Future Priest gave me an early Christmas/birthday present today, which was really sweet of him. He gave me a book entitled "Blessed Among All Women: Women Saints, Prophets, and Witnesses for Our Time," as well as a beautiful little journal that his cousin brought back from Italy. Both were incredibly thoughtful and well-suited for me. Thanks F.P.! You are wonderful.