il cielo in una stanza

al mio ragazzo...



quando sei qui con me
questa stanza non ha più pareti
ma alberi
alberi infiniti
quando tu sei vicino a me
questo soffitto viola
no, non esiste più
io vedo il cielo sopra noi
che restiamo qui
abbandonati
come se non ci fosse più
niente, più niente al mondo
suona un'armonica
mi sembra un organo
che vibra per te e per me
su nell'immensità del cielo

look at me

my dear friend and fellow blogger andi has been gracious enough to feature my writing in her webzine, 'estella's revenge.' go check it out! it rocks! (the whole issue, not just my writing, hee hee.)

i want you (she's so heavy)

I fell off the diet and exercise wagon with a loud thud, but to be honest, right now I really don't care. It's not on my list of priorities. I'm so preoccupied with getting ready for my trip that I don't want to worry about that stuff. I'm sure that will change once I go shopping for summer clothes, but right now, I couldn't care less. As I told Sister, I don't need to go on some strict, last-minute diet in order to slim down before I leave, because my intentions are not to sexually attract anyone over there. I just don't want my European travel shots to be icky. "Look, this is fat me at the Coliseum. There's me and my chins at the Leaning Tower of Pisa." Stuff like that.

I think about fat all the time. I'm sure many people do. I won't say women more than men because it's a generalization and I'm not even sure it's true. But suffice it to say, some people are more consumed by it than they should be. Myself included.

But it gets tiring. I mean, really tiring. I'm sure Boyfriend finds it tiring as well. How many times can I possibly harass him into explaining why he's with a chubby girl like me? How many times does he have to tell me what a stupid question that is? Besides, after all the damn walking and standing around I did today, I am too tired to even think of exercise.

I was looking around the net for some stuff and found this blog post. Apparently the gals over at Fatty McBlog decided to do an experiment. They posted an ad on Craigslist asking men why they would or would not date a fat girl. They then posted all the results that they got in the first 45 minutes!

*Warning: If you are the least bit overweight, you may find this incredibly offensive and hurtful. As I did.

i'll see you soon

My plane tickets are booked. In four weeks I am off on my European adventure. This is going to be some trip considering I've never left the good ol' U. S. of A. before. It's so exciting for me because my fear of flying has prevented me from imagining myself traveling at all, even in the far-off future. I thought it was going to be something I wanted terribly to do but would be unable to. When Study Abroad people visited my classes and spoke of the wondrous programs offered, I thought to myself, "I wish I could go to one of these places, but I DON'T WANT TO DIE." Yeah, the fear was that intense. I almost didn't apply for my fellowship because I had heard misinformation about being forced to work abroad (when in reality, it is a choice, and a tantalizing one at that).

I have two lists of books that I am supposed to be reading in preparation for my job. I shouldn't say 'supposed to'; I am reading them, but not at the speed that I should be. I didn't realize how soon I was leaving until the tickets were purchased (by the program and not me, oh yeahhhh) a few days ago. Now it's like, Holy shit! I'm-a going, Mamma!

I really hope that I get to travel to Naples and Sicily while I'm in Italy. My Mother's family is from both cities: Napoli on her father's side and Sicilia on her mother's. It would be really cool to get in touch with some aspect of my heritage. (Something that eludes me sometimes as an American, as I mentioned here.)

she's got the look

I felt like getting a makeover, and since I had neither the money nor the appropriate weather to go out and buy a new wardrobe today, I decided to do the blog over. I have been thinking for a while now that my all black motif was depressing. This feels lighter and a propos for spring/summer.

Don't I look pretty in pink? ;)

change the world

Happy Earth Day. I had some really fun plans for today but Mother Nature rained me out. The irony, I tell you. Hopefully the kids-y/nature-y stuff I was going to take my sisters to will be rescheduled for next weekend.

When I was a kid I was always writing and directing plays. My friends were the stars, and we went through days and weeks of memorizing lines, rehearsing, planning scenery and costumes, drawing up blocking diagrams . . . only to never put on the play. Maybe we just lost interest in it. I can't really remember why we never took my plays through to completion, but I remember that not one of them - and there were many - made it to an audience.

One summer I bought (or perhaps my parents bought for me, shitty memory!) a play kit that included two plays, a marquis to write your production information on, and some other crap to keep kids out of their parent's hair using the arts. One of the plays was called "Be Kind to your Mother Earth," and while I wasn't a die-hard environmentalist, I decided that other one was stupid and that this would be the one.

My friends and I worked and worked and worked on the damn thing. We turned my backyard into a stage and decided where the entrances and exits would be. But we never put it on. The funny thing is, while I no longer have the play or anything else associated with it, I do have a cassette tape of myself at that age, talking about the play and how it was going to change the world. Yes, everyone who came to see it (who, should the play have been produced, would have probably been a grand total of five or six) would be inspired and would turn around and inspire others, and then we would all start recycling, or something like that. (Screw Haley Joel Osment, those Pay It Forward bastards stole my idea.)

Kids are so idealistic. I wish I still woke up every morning wondering how I was going to change the world that day.

tree hugger

Fellow #3 is going to Italy with me because we got accepted to the same program :) So this past week, I invited her to join the Italian conversation group. She, Italian Conversation Partner and I all got along well, and besides being great practice, it was fun. Afterwards, F. #3 and I had dinner together. She has been to Italy before, so she was answering all my questions about what it would be like. We also exchanged book recommendations (English majors *shrugs shoulders*), and then Boyfriend joined us for dessert.

Yesterday I took Kid Sister #2 to the park because it was such a beautiful day. Out of nowhere, she ran up to a tree and gave it a big hug. She exclaimed, "Hugging the tree! Hugging the tree!" Yeah, I've done a good job with her ;)

it was a very good year

I had better blog before midnight so that it's still my...

Vegetarian Anniversary!

One whole year of not perpetuating the slaughter of innocents. Oh, I feel lovely.

this kiss

It feels like forever since I've blogged. Mother's birthday came right before Easter so there were things to be done all the time. But, what with Easter and all, I have something to say about religion, so here goes.

For some reason, Easter always makes me feel closer to Christianity. More so than Christmas. I suppose this is because Christmas has become so ingrained into American culture that I think of family and Christmas trees and warm cookies on snowy evenings. Easter, on the other hand, is distinctly Christian, no matter how commercialized it has become. At my age, the Easter bunny and chocolate eggs just don't hold any value for me, so the religious aspect is the only aspect I am pulled towards.

This Easter I would have liked to go to church, as Fellow Seeker did. But family activities took up the entire day, so I couldn't. I also wanted to watch The Passion of the Christ, but didn't get a chance to do that either. Not even Charlton Heston in The Ten Commandments!!
*Throws hand to head in overly dramatic show of regret*

I did, however, get to watch The Gospel of Judas on the National Geographic channel. I loved it. I'm fascinated by those Gnostic Gospels. More fascinated when I watch specials on them than when I actually read them. For someone who is so interested in religion, history and philosophy, I sure do get turned off when I can't understand something. The gnostic gospels remind me of the Tao Te Ching: every so often I get a wrinkled brow and wonder to myself, "What the hell does that mean?" Jesus, what do you mean you're in the piece of wood? But there's nothing better than those NGC/Discovery/History Channel shows where they have the experts, the epic music, and the corresponding works of art. I loved seeing depictions of Jesus and Judas throughout the whole two hours. Fun stuff.


*Newsweek article on the Gospel of Judas

irish love

Happy HNT. I know I have already done a photo of my claddagh ring, but that is of my replacement claddagh ring. I bought it because several of the marcasite stones had fallen out of my original one. I have been wearing my garnet one for quite some time now, but I finally decided to run over to the jeweler and get my amethyst one fixed.

Mother gave me this ring for my twelfth birthday. She knew that it was a piece of Irish culture, but that was all she knew. Ironically, my mother is not Irish - my father is and consequently so am I, so that is why she gave it to me - but when I researched the origins and symbolism of the ring, I learned that it is something that mothers pass on to daughters. It is funny that my mother wasn't even aware of this, but she gave it to me anyway.

A couple of weeks ago I saw an elderly couple, and their wedding rings were claddaghs. I thought that was adorable. I wouldn't want my wedding ring to be one, though, because wearing two of them simultaneously would be overkill and I will never part with this ring that I have already had for ten years.

beautiful day

Yesterday was a really neat day. (I'm not usually the type to use the word 'neat' but for some reason I'm in the mood today.) Which was good, because it came on the heels of quite a bad few days. But I feel better now.

Boyfriend has been back since Tues, so we spent the day together, off and on. I had tons of things to do so it was a bit of back and forth. At noon I had my interview at the Human Resources department of the city's library system. It went well, and today I got a call from the person in my area who will interview me and then try to place me somewhere around here. I don't know when this job is supposed to be for, because I was quite upfront in my cover letter about being gone from May to August. *Shrugs shoulders*

Afterwards, Boyfriend and I had lunch at the Indian restaurant where we first met :) We also went to see his relatives briefly. Then at 4:00 I had my first session tutoring Mentor's daughter. (I don't think I mentioned it, but he hired me to give his daughter some help with her writing.) She's in sixth grade, and just so adorable. I had to resist the urge to pinch her cheeks. She's quite creative, and we edited a short story that she wrote.

After that B. and I spent a little more time together at a bookstore, and then I went off to meet my new Italian Conversation Partner. She was great, and we spoke for over an hour. I was surprised at how just being in a conversation forced me to speak well, better than I had anticipated. It was a lot of fun and we are going to meet on a regular basis. Veteran Seeker might join us too, yipee!

"I Am Not Yours"

I am not yours, not lost in you,
Not lost, although I long to be
Lost as a candle lit at noon,
Lost as a snowflake in the sea.

You love me, and I find you still
A spirit beautiful and bright,
Yet I am I, who long to be
Lost as a light is lost in light.

Oh plunge me deep in love -- put out
My senses, leave me deaf and blind,
Swept by the tempest of your love,
A taper in a rushing wind.

-Sarah Teasdale -