She's Leaving Home

*Sigh* Weekend minus internet access equals bad.

It's so good to be back in cyberspace. That's a painful separation right there. In spite of that, however, I had a great weekend. Very relaxing. I saw some good movies that I hadn't seen before (Troy, Napoleon Dynamite) and ate a lot of vegetarian Chinese food. On Sunday I went to church with Fellow Seeker. I think it's funny that we're on similar paths, all the time. I mean, it would have been difficult if I had called him up, told him that I wanted to go to church, and had him laugh at me and ask, "Why would you want to do that?" Or vice versa. Which, a couple of weeks ago, would have been quite probable, on either side. But he understood why I wanted to go. I didn't even have to articulate it. So, after catching up over dinner (I hadn't seen him since the Buddhist art exhibit), we went to the Episcopalian church he used to frequent, the one I loved visiting with him. It was different. I mean, it wasn't different, but we were. I had been just dying to go, drawn to it for some strange reason unbeknownst to me, and yet I didn't feel what I had hoped to feel. Neither did Fellow Seeker. We couldn't even follow the sermon, the guy's point and inflections were both so muddled that we began passing notes. I felt like I was fifteen again. (Actually, I didn't pass notes in church at fifteen. I was actually into it then.)

Quite disappointed. Anyone who thinks it's fun to be a doubter is sadly mistaken. I was sitting there, looking at those other congregants, envious of their faith. I wish I could just have a simple faith and not ask questions like, "How could God love us so much if He sends us to hell?" Do you think I enjoy poking holes into religion? I really don't. It's not fun anymore. I just haven't been able to find a way to stop my mind from doing just that.

*Sigh* Anyway, I suppose I will deal with that when I get back from my trip. I leave on Friday. Program Coordinator from my fellowship program mailed me a book entitled Flying Without Fear, which I thought was so sweet. I am less nervous than I was before, which is good. Pretty excited, too. I could certainly use a sixteen day vacation with my handsome beau. (Who couldn't? :)