Thursday, February 14, 2008

Jagged Little Pill

Those of you who pay attention know that I am on antidepressants and have been for over two years now. Say what you will, they have really helped me. Despite the stigmas and the accusations of kickbacks for doctors and pharmacists, these little pills drastically improved my quality of life. Did I become a happy-go-lucky, smiling and drooling automaton? No. Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that that is not the effect they had. They just helped me get out of bed and stop crying, and we could all use that sometimes.

I started at dosage X and after about a year and a half I got down to dosage 1/2X. I am still at dosage 1/2X and after all this time, after all we have been through together, it is not working as well. It is wearing off. My body is getting used to it. Whatever it is, it is not good. So the question for me is do I go back up to X? I don't need to like a junkie but I think it's important for my health that I do. My concern is not going back up to X, but what I will have to do when X starts wearing off. 2X? Where do I draw the line?

I hate the stigma about medication and therapy. The fact is that while not everyone should be medicated - and we need to be especially careful about children - there are a lot of people in this world who need a fucking pill. One look at my extended family at gatherings tells me that. If I weren't such a pussy I would write and publish about it more under my real name in order to try and help others. For now I have to keep hiding behind my blog identity and just let my real friends get freaked out over it.

On the other hand, I possibly don't give myself too much credit. I have recently been crossing boundaries in my public writing and, please, one thing at a time.


cheekynomad said...

more public writing

sojourness said...

Eventually. People I work with in the real world read my published writings and I fear they will look at me and treat me differently.