NaNoWriMo Time

I have decided to participate in NaNoWriMo this year. I've only done this once before, which I apparently didn't blog about if Blogspot's search feature is to be trusted. (All I can find is a post about visiting a new writing group in Austin and hearing a funny NaNoWriMo anecdote.)

NaNoWriMo is shorthand for National Novel Writing Month, which takes place every November. People around the globe come together and attempt to write a 50,000 word novel in a single month. It's an amazing challenge and quite a feat that many people actually do complete! I love what it represents - community, creativity, people who don't even know each other deciding to do "the impossible" outside of their day-to-day "real jobs."

I tried it a few years back but did not make the claim that I would write a brand new novel. I also didn't strive for 50k words. I had a novel in progress with very little progress and decided I would use the month to do the best I could to develop it. I wound up with close to 11k new words that month, which is good to have, but I did learn that setting a challenging goal would have pushed me farther. At 11k words I was kind of like, "Well, this is a lot more than I had, I can be lazy and stop now." You know, when it gets hard.

My novel in progress (for years now - ugh!) stands at about 24k words and I have decided, once again, to NaNoWriMo my way through it, only this time I AM aiming for 50k brand new words. I may hit the target and I may not, but I'm sure as hell going to try and so happy for the opportunity to bring writing back into my life.

I've been living in NYC, married, working at a great-albeit-demanding job now for over a year. A lot of things have happened in this year, both good and bad. One of the bad things is that I stopped writing. Completely. Not a thing. In one year.

When I lived in Texas I wrote and published articles out the wazoo. I blogged and wrote poetry and read my work publicly at events and networked with other writers. In NY - nothing. Nada. Zip.

The reason? There are a few. First is the pace and stress and pressure of the city, the pace and stress and pressure of my job. The second is that I kind of lost my motivation and got writer's block. Even when I did set aside time to write, nothing would come. It's like working out every day for a long time and then stopping for a year. When you do go back to the gym, don't expect to just resume like the year of absence didn't take place. It did.

So when a Facebook friend (a member of my Austin writer's group) announced she would be NaNo'ing, it was just the kick in the pants I needed. I completely stopped self-identifying as a writer this past year, when that was practically all I identified myself as previously. How sad! How wrong! Not going to let it happen.

Wish me luck...

I've resurrected the blog and haven't even written anything. That's so me. Husband nagged me about blogging again and I thought it was a good idea. Truth be told, ever since I moved back to New York (1 year ago!) I have not been writing. I used to be so prolific. Even if it wasn't all quality stuff, I was writing. I was a writer. Then I got to New York and became a married woman, a career woman, a family woman, a New Yorker... and became entirely too busy and stressed for my one passion. I thought bringing Sojourner's Truths back would give me the opportunity to at least write something, even if it's not for official publication or a book proposal. Natalie Goldberg, Anne Lamott and every other writing expert says you just have to show up for work like you do with anything else. You have to write consistently, like athletes and musicians and dancers have to practice. You should be writing every day if you're a writer - not letting a year go by with nothing to show for it.

Sad, I know, but I'm ready to make a change.

At a Crossroads

Every time I come here to write my 'goodbye post' I get cold feet! Aah!

What is it about this blog that keeps me bound? Is it 5 years of my life in these pages? Is it nostalgia for a time when I wrote blog posts in my head while out and about and dashed home to publish them? When people read and dialogued and I wrote about more than the latest wedding planning snafu? And let's not forget one major thing that this blog offers me and other writing does not - anonymity and the freedom to really, truly be myself without risking being judged or fired.

The writer in me is loathe to give this up, but the way I've been writing has been blah to say the least. Do we need a new guiding topic? Back to religion? On to weddings and cooking and other domesticity? Can I continue to write about more than one, so long as I just show up and fucking write?

Thoughts?

I woke up this morning thinking it was Sunday and then realized it was Monday. Is there anything worse in all the universe? Honestly.

As I was making my cup of Earl Grey this morning, I thought about how what I drink is not just about how it tastes. I once told someone, "I'm not that fond of tea; I just want to be the kind of person who drinks tea." That has changed somewhat, as tea has grown on me, but the fact remains that I like certain personas associated with beverages. Not following? Here's what I mean...

Sojourness, the writer: Drinking cup after cup of coffee, smoking cigarettes and pounding away at an old-fashioned typewriter. Sojourness is hunched over the table for hours on end, surrounded by her cigarette smoke and her thoughts. Her hair is swept up, messily. She is wearing a "sloppy" outfit - t-shirt and short shorts - that is really quite becoming, accented by her thick-rimmed, trendy black glasses. Crumpled up papers litter the floor in the shitty apartment. Pouty lips puff the cigarette as she creates the postmodern masterpiece of our time, the novel that will break all the rules and launch her in the literary world.

(Can't you see it?)

Sojourness, the class act: Sipping a cup of tea at an outdoor cafe after a morning at a local museum. Light, summer dress in light summer colors and hair neatly pinned back. Reading the NY Times, perhaps. Or the New Yorker. Very European.

Neither of these Sojournesses is plump, or emotionally erratic, or too tired to write and visit museums because of her 9-5. These Sojournesses are just cool.

You may have noticed the coffee scenario is richer, more indepth, longer even. That is why coffee appeals to me more than tea :P

Jagged Little Pill

Those of you who pay attention know that I am on antidepressants and have been for over two years now. Say what you will, they have really helped me. Despite the stigmas and the accusations of kickbacks for doctors and pharmacists, these little pills drastically improved my quality of life. Did I become a happy-go-lucky, smiling and drooling automaton? No. Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that that is not the effect they had. They just helped me get out of bed and stop crying, and we could all use that sometimes.

I started at dosage X and after about a year and a half I got down to dosage 1/2X. I am still at dosage 1/2X and after all this time, after all we have been through together, it is not working as well. It is wearing off. My body is getting used to it. Whatever it is, it is not good. So the question for me is do I go back up to X? I don't need to like a junkie but I think it's important for my health that I do. My concern is not going back up to X, but what I will have to do when X starts wearing off. 2X? Where do I draw the line?

I hate the stigma about medication and therapy. The fact is that while not everyone should be medicated - and we need to be especially careful about children - there are a lot of people in this world who need a fucking pill. One look at my extended family at gatherings tells me that. If I weren't such a pussy I would write and publish about it more under my real name in order to try and help others. For now I have to keep hiding behind my blog identity and just let my real friends get freaked out over it.

On the other hand, I possibly don't give myself too much credit. I have recently been crossing boundaries in my public writing and, please, one thing at a time.

Sojourness's Thoughts on Life

*In times of stress, it is good to step back and take a minute to breathe. I never do this but I just did a minute ago and it helped.

*I need to buy me some markers.

*Artsy Friend is coming over after work to teach me to knit. Now I can be a legitimate part of the feminist movement. (No... really.)

*My strong desire to go to graduate school is being slowly eroded by the terrible bureacracy in trying to get my damn Bachelor's already.

*Hot chocolate really is better than coffee.

*Writing takes more energy than most people realize.

Last night I went to a meeting of a local writer's group for the first time. It was pretty fun. Not what I expected but I enjoyed myself. There were five other people there besides me - the ringleader, another new guy, another new girl, a woman who is working on her fifth book and a former literary agent from New York. It was an interesting mix of never-been-published up to successful authors. I feel that I will get a lot out of knowing them and sharing my work with them.

The literary agent was trying to discourage me from returning to New York. He talked of working 14 hour days and never having "a life." He is so happy in Austin, and I agreed - I am very happy here too. It is completely laid back and low-stress, which is what I need right now. To be honest, I am apprehensive at the prospect of moving back home in the next year or two, but then there is my family to think about. L.A. said, "If you're thinking about graduate school, there's no better place for it than here. There's such an open artistic community here for your writing." He was like a walking advertisement for Austin, but I understand why.

He was a trip. He said he had written a novel for NaNoWriMo but that he didn't share it with the group because there was too much sex in it - lol. I rarely "lol" in blog posts but that warranted it. He is an older man with a large, bushy beard and round glasses who wore socks and sandals so I just didn't expect that from him.

Another woman told us that since her current historical novel takes place in the Middle East of yesteryear, and one of her characters traveled via camel caravan, she went to Syria and Egypt and did it herself. And I thought, that's what it means to be a real writer.

Will I ever be one?

I can't stop biting my nails even though it hurts my teeth to do so. Is this some kind of disorder?

Looking forward to after work noshing with CL Friend. I need some relaxing girl time because I've had a hellish week, what with having something ripped from my gums by the roots and all.

I can see a light at the end of the tunnel with my Shakespeare class but I am going to have to haul ass this weekend and next week. I need to do well on that final *winces*

I just went out on my lunch break and bought myself a pretty little brown leather journal for my poetry, just because.

Five Strengths

Musing Woman tagged me for a meme. I have to name five of my strengths as a writer/artist. For some reason we hate pointing out positive things about ourselves. And when I say "we," I mean "me," but here goes.

1. I have a wealth of material and resources; my best stuff is based on people I know and things I've been through.
   
2. I have the ability to pack a lot of feeling and description into relatively small space. I've written some pieces that were only a few paragraphs long but got incredible feedback, that readers felt like they really knew the characters and such.
   
3. Poetry comes easy to me. It's not always good - I would say 50% of my poems are crap and 50% are good, but the good ones (like the bad) just come to me. I can sit down and write a poem I'm really proud of in five minutes, and rarely need to edit more than a word here and there.
   
4. I am a very sentimental writer. My work has made people cry (mainly things I write about a person will make that person cry).
   
5. I can come up with really great imagery. I wish I could do it more often - I feel like you can read several pages and then be struck by this one great sentence, and I wish I could sprinkle them more liberally throughout. But I appreciate that I get them at all.

I tag my writer friends: Wolverine, Andi

I have become mildly obsessed with this genealogy research. Found out that the library holds subscriptions to those expensive sites I can't afford; all I have to do is go there and take advantage. Constructed my family tree yesterday and harassed my mother for information. She doesn't have all that much, but my grandmothers do. Making some calls this weekend :)


Yesterday Artsy Friend came over and we had coffee and talked for a few hours. It was fun. I hadn't yet "hosted" in my own apartment before, unless you count Boyfriend's friends coming over to watch the game.

Finished some of this week's deadlines which has alleviated some of the pressure. Some.

After I get into work a tad late due to a doctor's appointment...

"So how did that, um, brain transplant go this morning?"

It's nice to know that I have such a sensitive employer.

I got a seemingly stable freelance writing gig that I am jazzed about. I'm meeting with the guy on Thursday to discuss the future, but I already did a piece for his company and he is very happy with it. I never do PR work for companies that are in the same industry as mine because that would be a conflict of interest and just wrong. (Plus, I'm sure that I have somewhere signed something saying I wouldn't, though I couldn't point you to it.) But this is a retail company that sells things that are practically from another planet as my company's products, so I worry not.

I have begun using a calorie counting tool online and it is working really well for me. In the last two days I managed to burn around 300 more calories than I consumed. If I can just do that every day it will slowly and surely come off.

I have arranged for a Saturday night hangout with Artsy Friend, which I am pretty jazzed about. I watch Sex and the City episodes and I get bummed about not being surrounded by estrogen. I'm used to that, you know, in my family. I have two awesome female friends in town that I have to start making plans with more often. So Saturday! Girls night out! Frozen margaritas baby!

So I keep telling myself, Okay, I'm going to focus on banging out my classes and stop taking on freelance writing jobs. But I can't stick to it. It's not just that I'm incapable of saying 'no,' but I am incapable of not going out and searching the boards and soliciting people to hire me. It's just too tempting. I mean, if I see that someone will pay me $50 for an article it will take me a half hour to write it... damn it, I'm going to do it. And gigs like that are few and far between, which means I work my tail off to get and keep them. I try to tell myself I will take it out of my 'leisure time' but I don't think I have any of that anymore!

I have had a rough ass week. They gave me an injection for my strep throat which led to my left leg being numb for several days. (When does that happen??) They hit a nerve or something; incompetent bastards. I am hoping it will go away because I can't do another minute in that hell-hole, I mean, emergency room.

I am back at work today. Nearly finished with antibiotics but they make me nauseous and there's the, uh, numb leg thing, so I was kinda worried about coming back. But I feel good having work to do and being at my desk with my coffee (not my healthy latte, but my coffee). I hope that will last throughout the day.

What else, what else... not much actually. I lined up some freelance gigs, which is good, but have to balance them with finishing my damn classes, which is not so good. Some good news, though, is that someone at my school is lobbying with the dean for me to get me internship credit for writing this damn book. If it works out, that will take care of the last class I need and I can finally graduate!!

I have the best boyfriend in the world. He cleared his pretty full, pretty important schedule today to stay home with me.

:)

I am doing okay. This is not the most pleasant thing, obviously, but whatever. I got some movies from the library yesterday and have a ton of deadlines today, so I am all set up with stuff to do. I also have Butterfinger hot chocolate. You know, for my throat....

Update

• I did not write my essay, but I did outline it and get that approved by the professor so I can write it this week.
• I did revise my review.
• I did not write my article.
• I did drink wine :)
• I did watch a movie - Bee Season on HBO on Demand. Interesting but a bit disappointing.
• I did not go swimming.
• I did go out to dinner! Boyfriend took me out in celebration of an important writer's milestone I have crossed. We went to an Italian restaurant where I had a peach Bellini and we ate bruschetta and shrimp scampi and Italian cream cake. Mmmmmmm.
• I did exercise - Boyfriend and I went walking, uphill and along the track, at a local park.
• I did forget those fucks. I'm done trying.

I also...

• Finished two books.
• Bought some sorely needed picture frames and other home-y materials.
• Relaxed :)

Good weekend.

Things I want to accomplish this weekend:

• Write essay
• Revise review
• Write article
• Drink wine
• Watch a movie
• Go swimming
• Go out to dinner
• Exercise (most likely in the form of Dance Dance Revolution)
• Forget the fact that my book clubbers have deserted me for the last time, dammit

How much of that will actually happen remains to be seen, but it's good to have goals.

Last night I had dinner with Artsy Friend and took her to a movie screening with me. I was there to review the film for a magazine I write for, so we got to sit in the reserved press row. Isn't that crazy?

This was the first time I had seen her since she got back from Florence just a week or so ago. She brought me back a bookmark from the Uffizi, one that has Eve from Lucas Cranach the Elder's painting on it. I had bought myself the same one when I visited Florence last year, but while walking to work in Venice, reading a book, it slipped out and I lost it. I was very upset. I didn't think I'd ever be able to replace it, obviously, but she brought one back for me! :)

Tomorrow I fly to New York and won't be alone anymore. Yay. And when I get back and am alone for a week or two, I really need to hang out with people. Sitting in the apartment depresses me and makes me a little crazy. Artsy Friend said to definitely call her, and I had to cancel on movie night with Book Club Friend two nights ago because I was sick, so I owe her a rain check!

I have been doing some fun things lately, which is a change for me. Usually my life consists of going to work, coming home with the intention to study, eating dinner in front of Seinfeld of Jeopardy! or whatever, and then either going for a walk or getting sucked into the TV or actually doing some schoolwork. That's not a life, that's an existence, and a sad one at that.

But last weekend we went swimming, and last night Boyfriend and I went bowling and played pool. It felt so good to just unwind and have a little fun for once. Not that I can afford to do it every night, what with school and all, but still. Happy camper. Except for the sore thumbs.

Great news in the writing world, but I don't write about that here. If you know my full name (like, for real) then go to sojourness'fullname.blogspot.com to check out what has gotten me so chipper.

Sister is leaving next week and gosh darn it, I will miss her. The sisterly relationship is a strange one, I'll admit.

Frigg - I missed the Democratic debate. That's what happens when you sell your T.V.

Ah, it's Friday. Boyfriend and I have a busy weekend ahead of us, what with packing and cleaning the apartment and putting things in storage and God knows what else will arise. It will be a pain but it will also be good to go home for a while, especially since Boyfriend's going with me. That should minimize stress.

I am going to surprise Father. I haven't told him I was coming and I told Mother not to. I'm just going to walk in one day, hee hee.

I wish I had time to start writing my novel. I got some good techniques and what-have-you from the creative writing class and I would love to sit down for a few hours and just dig in, but my free time is occupied by classes and such. It's not really 'free.' I shouldn't complain because things are pretty good; I feel happy.

I stayed home from work today. I emailed the boss to ask permission because I still feel out of it and asked if he has any work for me to do from here. He said he couldn't think of any... if he comes up with something, I will work on it, and if not, I just won't track any hours today and miss out on my pay. Whatever; I couldn't go in. I feel very weak and I think I came down with something because my right ear and throat hurts. Madonnn..

You know those journals that are, like, standard journal size and binding? You know, not the ones with spirals or pocket-sized or whatever... I'm talking about journals. Yesterday I couldn't resist buying a greenish one with flowers all over it because it reminded me of my teen years. When I was a teenager, I used to buy all kinds of journals with "pretty" things on them - flowers, butterflies, in all shades of pink. Then I used to stay up nights and write incredibly depressing poems and song lyrics in them. Ironic, I know. I wasn't a Goth kid by any stretch of the imagination but I was pretty dark. Not in dress or looks, but in soul.

So I'm taking this 60s class and I needed to choose a paper topic, something I'll really research and throw myself into and all that. I read two novels for the class and realized that the female character gets raped in both, which unsettled me. Then I remembered reading Andrea Dworkin's memoir where she talks a lot about rape. I found some info online saying the 'Anti-Rape Movement' (Take Back the Night events and all that) was born of the Women's Lib Movement of the 60s, so voila - paper topic. My professor told me to read Eldridge Cleaver's Soul on Ice. This guy from the Black Panthers advocated raping white women as retribution for all the black women who were raped during slavery and in present times by white men. He also said he would practice by raping black women and then go rape the white women. I'm all for civil rights and equality and sticking it to the man when necessary, but talk about a sick fuck who uses a political agenda to be a sick fuck.