I have a lot of things on my mind to write about. Where to start?

My great uncle (my grandmother's brother) has cancer. He went into the hospital for pneumonia, had a heart attack while he was there, and now they found cancer. He doesn't know yet. They told his wife, and she confided in another great uncle (bad move) so the whole family knows, but he doesn't.

One of my other great uncles (another sibling in this particular branch of the family) just had a heart attack. My grandmother (with whom I have less of a relationship than I do with these uncles, oddly enough) has diabetes and shot kidneys and all kinds of problems, though she seems to have stabilized of late.

Since I started researching my genealogy I have really wanted to reconnect with the family, especially older generations, to let them know I care about them and to hear their stories. I have been meaning to call the first uncle I mentioned for ages. I apparently didn't have the time. Now who knows if I will even get to? I have been trying to call but their answering machine is full and he doesn't have a phone in the hospital.

How much time does he have left? I wonder. Am I going to get to ask him about his life? His childhood, his parents, the time the Mafia tried to recruit him (or so he claims)? Or is all of that history going to die with him? He doesn't have any children.

I am really bummed, man. You always think you have time. Right now, I'd just be happy with a phone call to let him know I care. If I could get through.

Things That Make Me Happy: Zucchero

My new favorite artist...

I need a good "don't-lose-it" mantra for work. So far, I have been using "Serenity now!" from Seinfeld. Anyone have a better suggestion?

Hoochie mama?

Oh My God

I have had a lot of thoughts and jotted down notes for blog posts, which I will get to shortly. In this quick moment that I have, I want to note the lyrics of a Jars of Clay song that moves me beyond words. It is so true, it really resonates. You don't have to be a Christian to get it, you just have to be human.

I'm going to post the lyrics here, which are awesome, but you really have to hear the song to get it. Reading them will probably be unremarkable. The music makes it happen.

Oh my God, look around this place
Your fingers reach around the bone
You set the break and set the tone
Flights of grace, and future falls
In present pain
All fools say, "Oh my God"

Oh my God, Why are we so afraid?
We make it worse when we don't bleed
There is no cure for our disease
Turn a phrase, and rise again
Or fake your death and only tell your closest friend
Oh my God.

Oh my God, can I complain?
You take away my firm belief and graft my soul upon your grief
Weddings, boats and alibis
All drift away, and a mother cries

Liars and fools; sons and failures
Thieves will always say
Lost and found; ailing wanderers
Healers always say
Whores and angels; men with problems
Leavers always say
Broken hearted; separated
Orphans always say
War creators; racial haters
Preachers always say
Distant fathers; fallen warriors
Givers always say
Pilgrim saints; lonely widows
Users always say
Fearful mothers; watchful doubters
Saviors always say

Sometimes I cannot forgive
And these days, mercy cuts so deep
If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep
While I lay, I dream we're better,
Scales were gone and faces light
When we wake, we hate our brother
We still move to hurt each other
Sometimes I can close my eyes,
And all the fear that keeps me silent falls below my heavy breathing,
What makes me so badly bent?
We all have a chance to murder
We all feel the need for wonder
We still want to be reminded that the pain is worth the thunder

Sometimes when I lose my grip, I wonder what to make of heaven
All the times I thought to reach up
All the times I had to give
Babies underneath their beds
Hospitals that cannot treat all the wounds that money causes,
All the comforts of cathedrals
All the cries of thirsty children - this is our inheritance
All the rage of watching mothers - this is our greatest offense

Oh my God
Oh my God
Oh my God

Another Weekend To-Do List

How did my to-do list get so long? And no matter how much I check off, there is more added on?

The last time I blogged my weekend to-do list I got a lot done. I don't know if it helped motivate me but I'm going to try it again.

1. Finish Mother's day gifts. √
2. Mail left-behind belongings back to the sisters. √
3. Bake walnut chocolate chip cookies for the girls I visit. √
4. Clean apartment (Oh, this is vague.)
5. Go to recycling center. √
6. Devote some time to working on my novel.
7. Go to bank.
8. Help edit Sister's final paper. √
9. Call grandparents.
10. Exercise.
11. Clothes shopping. √

(I totally cheated and did a couple of these on Monday - ha!)