Wedding planning is coming down to the wire. 6 months away and we haven't officially sealed the venue. It's okay, we like a challenge :) I am also having dress drama but I think that deserves its own post with pictures...

On the career front, I'm still looking for positions and was lucky enough to get an informational interview with a fairly well-known publishing company. I applied for a job 2 months ago that they filled but I followed up for so long that the VP I had applied to admitted that I have interesting experience and agreed to meet with me. I've got another potential opportunity at a technology company. The VP there is constantly busy and hard to nail down, but when I do get him he seems interested. I am not naive or trying to believe that one of these will be the one, but I am hopeful and at the very least it motivates me to keep going despite the numerous silences from HR departments.

Yes, it has been a while. I was talking to Fiance this morning about turning in my Blogger account and calling it quits after 5 years. He made an immense sad face. So here I am :)

I have been busy - what else is new - because I am working on a nonfiction book proposal that I am super serious about. No, I can't divulge my topic or my ambitions, but suffice it to say that I have been waking up at 5am each day to write before going to the abyss.. I mean, office.

There's also trying to get out of my current work situation, including the strong desire to move back east in the fall. That's a lot of work. Getting a job is hard enough without being halfway across the country and trying to convince people that you actually are serious about relocating.

As for today, well, it's Saturday and I slept in until 9. Didn't do any writing or job hunting or wedding planning. I slept late and then I got up and made pancakes from scratch. Mmmm.

It's going to be a good day!

Jesus!

I have been so remiss here. I think that since I've started using and loving Twitter, I have reduced my insights (and my attention span) to 140 characters or less, and the thought of writing an actual blog post is, well, wow.

But here I am, Valentine's Day morning with my cup of coffee and a chest cold I'm desperately fighting. Childhood Friend arrives in a few days; I need to be at my optimum hostess health.

Not to randomly bring up religion :) but I've been thinking a lot lately. This is probably because I work for a Jesus Freak. Not the cool ones - and I do think there are some cool Jesus Freaks out there, I've met them - but one of the creepy ass ones. He keeps a bible in his office and when people ask him how he's doing, he says, "It is well with my soul." Yeah, that kind.

The thing is, this guy is active in his church and always goes out of his way to bring religion into any conversation, mainly to show how holy he is. But deep down, he's not such a great guy. He encourages me and other employees to lie outright when it benefits the business. He only wants to purchase promotional items made in China for dirt cheap, as if he doesn't know who's making them or why they're dirt cheap. He has offered to use his wife and college aged daughters as "babes" who can go to business functions and entice men to hear about our product. He talks about everyone behind their backs, including myself and his other direct report. When he makes a mistake, he tells others that we made it and assumes it will not get back to us.

And I can't help but think to myself, "Wow, I remember Jesus being a lot cooler than this." You know, I read my Bible, I remember Jesus, he wasn't a jerk. I look at my boss and think, "If Jesus were still around today, he wouldn't like you at all."

And I hope I'm right. Because that's a Jesus I can get behind. Didn't he tell all the righteous hypocrites to screw off, and went to hang out with the people who made mistakes like the rest of us but were at least open and honest about it?

Note: I know this seems strange after my last post that was quite hard on God, but I have been raised to see God in various characters or personalities. God the Father is the mean one. Read the Old Testament, you'll see. Jesus is the groovy Son who came later and mediated between us. "Oh, Dad is grumpy and all but he's not so bad. I'll explain it to you like this."

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Happy Valentine's Day! Whether you love a partner or just a family member or friend, we all love somebody so enjoy it!

Good Samaritan Law

Happy Sunday. Now you get a religion post (after all this time).

When I spent the holidays back east, I went to church with Veteran Seeker. I hadn't seen him in a year or two so it was a nice way to catch up, especially since he is quite spiritual. We visited the Episopalian church he frequents which, interestingly enough, is where we met for the first time. (We met through Fellow Seeker but the actual physical meeting took place on the steps of this church.) I met some of V.S.'s new friends and enjoyed the service. This was my kind of church because it was pretty progressive (it has a fellowship group for gays, just to give you an idea), the priest who gave the sermon was down to earth and funny, and the message seemed to focus more on helping others than on hell or every other religion being wrong. I felt good there.

My goal when I got back "home" was to start going to different churches to see what I like here. Then, the earthquake in Haiti struck, and bang! I lost all desire. Why would I want to go worship this Dude? I thought to myself.

Some religious folks out there will cry out, "That's not fair!"" but the fact of the matter is that an omnipotent God who cares about humanity could prevent earthquakes and other natural disasters from taking us out. S/he could. S/he didn't.

Sorry, just being honest.

I was watching a DVD of Bill Maher's stand-up the other week (love him) and he talked about those right-wing Christians like Pat Robertson who say that 9/11 was God's vengeance or He let it happen or whatever. (You know, the same guy who is saying Haiti was struck by this earthquake because they made a pact with the devil. That guy.) I usually just write these people off as insane, but Bill's point on it hit home. He said, "Oh, I get it guys, God is a prick! Thanks for clearing that up." Am I saying that God is a prick? No. But can you at least see the logic? Isn't it hard to deny that a God who caused it or "let it happen" because of gays or abortion or whatever is, um, a less than desirable deity to wake up early on Sundays for?

I'm not big on calling people names, let alone God, so please don't misunderstand me. I am not repeating the Bill Mahr quote. I'm just saying the man has a point, that a God who would stand by at times like these makes you wonder about His character. It's like the last episode of Seinfeld. Would you stand by and watch someone being abused, murdered, etc. - adults, children, babies alike - if you could just step in and stop it? Well, then, you're a... never mind.

One final point: I spent a lot of time in the fundamentalist Christian paradigm and I know the drill. If I was asking why God allowed someone to, say, get shot and killed by another person, the answer would be, "The gunman has free will." But how, my friends, do you answer for an earthquake?

Thoughts?

I've been busy, I know. Sorry! Fiance and I returned to central Texas on New Years Day and have spent the last 2+ weeks getting ourselves situated and reoriented. I've gone back to work and we've had to find a place to live. Lots of work and lots of things going on! Time for highlights:

• My birthday came hard on the heels of our arrival so we got to have a sort of birthday party-slash-reunion with friends. It was awesome! CL Friend, her husband and their new baby (whom I had never met before) came and it was all I could do to give CL Baby back after holding her all night. There was also Friends From Work #1 & #3 and their significant others, as well as a friend I know through FFW #1's wife (confused yet?). We had huckleberry margaritas and appetizers and it was great.

• After subletting the apartment of a total wackjob for 2 weeks, we found and moved into our dream apartment. It is a luxury apartment that comes with access to a pool and a gym. We have a balcony with a view of a lake with actual ducks swimming around (which is where I'm sitting right now, enjoying my coffee and the morning breeze). It is way more expensive than our last place but we got a deal because someone needed out of her lease, so we got it for essentially the same price. Woohoo!

• I tried on wedding dresses with CL Friend last weekend. It was super intimidating but there were a few that looked really nice on me and that has kind of gotten me over my fear. Of course, the saleswoman kept trying to get me in very high heeled shoes and lacy veils and it was all I could do not to run out of there screaming.

• Childhood Friend is coming to visit us for the very first time. So excited.

This is going to be a good year.

Fiance is on a 13-hour flight right now, coming home after a month abroad with his parents. I can hardly wait to pick him up from the airport.

I am all over the place emotionally this week. I haven't been "home" (like, where I live) in 5 months and I have a bit of anxiety over moving into a new apartment and going back to work after all this time. I also have guilt and sad feelings over leaving my family, as I always do. Kid Sister #2 is hell-bent on returning to Texas and Mother seems open to allowing them to spend spring break or part of the summer with me, which is great news. At the very least I can focus on that. Still, it's hard when, for example, a 3 year old makes a pouty face and says, "But I going to miss you." There are no defenses against that, really.

In addition, I have so much cleaning/packing/farewelling to do in only a couple of days and I'm swamped with work from the office. Dude.

To Do List for the day

• Find food coloring for baking Christmas cookies. I lost it somewhere.
  
  
• Upload photos onto Mother's digital photo frame (Christmas present) while she is at work.
  
  
• Make a dent in cleaning out my old bedroom since Sister is considering a move.
  
  
• Do laundry.
  
  
• Start packing.
  
  
• Call and harass my former property management company since it has been 5 months since I left the apartment in great shape and still no deposit returned to me.
  
  
• Think about/order Baby Sister's birthday present.
  
  
• Exercise.

Starting to have many more down moments than up ones. Is it Fiance’s absence? Is it the impending end of my time with family and friends? Is the holidays that, though I love them, highlight all of the holes and dark, empty spaces?

Maybe it’s just PMS.

Fiance has been gone for 12 days. He'll be back in 3 weeks. Painful, I tell you. But we are getting through. I have my sisters to ease the pain, and he has his servants and swimming pool :)

After several years, I am starting to resent my work as a ghostwriter. It is draining to never get credit for your work, to have it go to someone else who hasn't done anything. I know this is what I get paid for, but it is hard. I just saw some feedback on an article I wrote. My boss, who supposedly wrote it, was hailed by the magazine editor as one of the top writers on this subject in business. (Would they still find it so compelling if they knew it did not come from a middle-aged CEO, but from an underpaid 20-something woman?) Such a high compliment for my work, but it didn't go to me. And instead of feeling good about it, I feel like crap.

What 8 Year Olds Are Thankful For

Hilarious. I love that 'internet connection' topped 'food' and 'shelter.'

Holi-daze

Can't help it, I love lists.

• New fundraising idea from Fiance - mega yard sale. This is a great one for a lot of reasons - namely, my family is made up of packrats who are sitting on a goldmine of toys, gadgets, DVDs, etc. that they wouldn't even notice missing. Not to mention the fact that my mother has politely requested that after living elsewhere for over 3 years, I finally get my shit together and clean out my old bedroom. Sad, I know. Obviously I have tons of books and stuff down there. Does anyone still buy CDs? What if they are 50 cents to a dollar? :)
  
  
• Fiance left 2 days ago to return to his parents abroad for a month. Yes, it sucks big time, but I'm happy for him... somewhere inside... I'm sure I am...
  
  
• Mother and EFS took Sisters away to "the country" for the weekend and I stayed behind to hang out with Sister, whom I haven't seen much in the month that I've been back. She works 2 jobs and goes to college. She barely sleeps, and obviously doesn't have much time/energy to socialize. She's been making me watch a bunch of dumb comedy movies but I don't mind, it's just nice to be with her.
  





• I have a couple of close people in my life who just had babies and I want to give them a nice 'Baby's 1st Christmas' gift. Websites like Zazzle let you put photos on ornaments and stuff but it seems... I don't know, plain vanilla and overpriced? I keep thinking I could make a much jazzier photo ornament with some color in it. Looking for ideas online. So far, this is the cutest one I've found.
  


• I have always been a holiday-loving person. The last few years have been weird, what with all the tragedy putting a damper on festivities, but I would rather go through the holiday season with a few down moments than not at all. There's just something about it that excites me and makes me feel warm inside. We have plenty of traditions in my family - opening presents at midnight on Christmas Eve instead of Christmas morning, fancy dinners that Mom cooks, playing Christmas music in the house, baking cookies. I am trying to start some new traditions myself (ooh! it's a list within a list!)
  
  
  
  
  - Last year I created a Holiday playlist at playlist.com and it kicked ass. I've got all the classics on it - Stevie Wonder, Band Aid, Paul McCartney - and a new album I'm in love with, Songs for Christmas by Sufjan Stevens. Listen to some of them on playlist.com or YouTube or wherever. So good.
  
  - I would like to get into some Christmas crafts with Kid & Baby Sisters. There are tons of ideas online but it takes time to wade through them all. Kids love arts & crafts, especially *my* kids, and it's fun to do that kind of stuff together.
  
  - On that same note, Kid Sisters and I have been making handmade gifts together. For example, while Kid Sister #1 was home from school with strep throat last week, we got out the origami kit and made a couple of picture frames, then put their school photos in it and wrapped it for Mom. Kid Sister #1, who can knit at 8 years old, also made Mom a coaster. She's making one for me now. She's bummed because it can't be a surprise - she needs my help when she drops stitches. Cute.
  
  - Visiting a ton of family. I always saw one set of my grandparents for the holidays, but that was usually it. Now that my father has passed away, however, I am really starting to reevalute the meaning of family in my life and call up aunts, uncles, cousins, and such. It has been really rewarding so far. For example, a bunch of us cousins grew up together, playing together every weekend, and then for some reason, we fell out of touch as teenagers. A couple of us are now married, babies on the way, and reconnecting with them has been fantastic. It's great when I'm in town and can actually get together, rather than just calling from Texas to catch up.
  
  - I am tempted as all hell to put on a Charlie Brown Christmas play with the kids. I know, I am being psycho ambitious but I have never been home for this long before!! I always get 2 weeks with my family, but this year I have over 2 months.