So we're back from India, moving into our new apartment in a kickass neighborhood today. Husband and I both celebrated our birthdays in the last few weeks, so ready to start a new year. I have so many resolutions, but I'm still in that euphoric hopeful new-year phase where I believe I'll achieve most of them. Yee ha! (<-- Texas residue)

I'm not going to lie - I miss Austin. I miss not having to work as hard and the warmth and sunshine. I miss the hell out of my friends, who I still talk to but don't know when I'll see in person again. I miss breakfast tacos and margaritas and queso and people being friendly all the time.

But I am not going to let the culture shock of homecoming get me down. When I was in Austin, I dreamed about New York - living in Manhattan like I wanted to since I was a child, being a part of a living, pulsing city that is simultaneously full of history and looking towards the future. The snow and ice will pass, the rude looks on the subway will become commonplace and normal, but the excitement never dies. I hope Husband comes to feel the same way.

Our India trip is almost at an end. It was pretty amazing and will not be our last, considering Husband is Indian. I look forward to future trips where we can really dig into specific areas - Rajasthan, Bombay, South India...

For my first trip, I got to see most of Delhi as well as the Taj Mahal (breathtaking, not overhyped at all!) and other cool monuments in Agra. Not bad!

It's time for New Year's resolutions. I love them because I really get a chance to hone in on things I want to accomplish, though each December/Jan I do get a twinge of guilt in realizing resolutions that have gone unfulfilled. For example, I accomplished very few of the resolutions I made for 2009. Looks like I didn't blog about 2010 resolutions (whew). Yet there is also the 101 list, the deadline of which is coming up (can you believe it?) Looking back (and updating it accordingly), I've actually accomplished a hell of a lot off of it - wow!

Okay, so I feel better :) Now to think about 2011, and possibly a new 101 list...

I grew up in a conservative Christian, middle-class Republican family from the boroughs of New York City. They were people who came from immigrants, whose own childhoods were darkened by poverty, and who had worked hard to give my sister and I a better life than they had had. When they traveled, it was to neighboring states like Pennsylvania. They were wary of planes, wary of foreigners, wary of the ever-changing world outside of New York and the local church community.


Little did I know then that I would grow up to go to college, get a fellowship for work and travel, marry an Indian man and see places my grandparents can't even imagine. I have been lucky beyond words!


I write this to you from a hotel in New Delhi, India on my first trip here. Everyone told me, "Prepare yourself: India is overwhelming. It assaults the senses." Yes, that is true. The smog is thick, the dust kicks up, and it's been difficult for me to breathe while outdoors. The crowded streets and size of population rivals Penn Station at rush hour - no small feat. Many places are dirty and polluted.

But India is simply amazing. The United States is only 234 years old, but I am in a country with palaces and ruins from the B.C. era. Delhi in particular has seen the rule of kings, sultans, Mughal Emperors and the British Raj. It was the scene of terrible violence and upheaval during the 1857 Mutiny and the 1947 Partition. It is still the capital of an emerging player on the global stage, where Parliament convenes and the Prime Minister and President work.

I believe, from my own experience, that for those who have not traveled in childhood, it's impossible to go to another country (ANY other country) without changing your life.

Today is a sick day. I'm home in bed, which is kind of nice - a change of pace from all the hubbub. I knew that moving back to New York City would make me busier and more stressed than when we lived in Austin, but it was just a concept in my head, not real until we actually got here, in the thick of it.

I'm not complaining. I'm happier than I expected. I'm just tired and could use more downtime.

I have so much to write about, to say, but I've gotten out of the habit of sharing here and it feels public. Imagine that! At the same time, this blog was my lifeline and my voice since 2005 and I will always feel a strong tie to it. I want to get back to that type of sharing, opening up and spilling out all of the things that just lay buried. Who else to share with?

Is anyone still here?

Update

I apologize for the lack of blogging - the last month has been a whirlwind, and this coming month promises to be more of the same.

I gave notice, I quit, I left my job and the beautiful state of Texas and came back up to the big city. I started a new job almost immediately. My wedding is in less than a month, and Fiance is coming up in a couple of days so we can look for an apartment together.

Needless to say, I caught a killer cold (in August) that I can't shake. I am fairly certain it is from the stress of all the change. But it is all good stuff. I am happy.

Things That Make Me Happy: 2 Weeks Notice

So Fiance and I have been hard at work on wedding planning. Since I am the web genius of the couple (yeah right), I'm in charge of the wedding website and Photoshopping the invitation PDF, among other things. We decided a while back that we wanted to incorporate old photos of our families into our decor. For example, we'd like to find a nice way to put up our parents' wedding pictures at our venue. We also decided - not to give a spoiler away to those of you who will be receiving invitations - to put old family photos up on our wedding website. I have been working on that, and it's a lot of fun.

The problem is that every time I look at an old picture of me and my father, I want to vomit. That sounds bad, but there's no other way to describe it. He has been dead for over 2 years - not that long, actually - and I have succeeded in living in denial and rarely thinking about it for just as long. Now my wedding is here. He will not be there. My father and I had a very difficult relationship and I never really fantasized about him walking me down the aisle or having a father-daughter dance with me before. I just kind of assumed he'd be there. And he won't. And that's kind of a big deal.

Sounds like I'm stating the obvious but when you make a strong effort not to think about someone for several years, it can surprise you that he is all you think about when your wedding's coming up. It is bringing up all kinds of feelings for me. Guilt about living in another state when he died unexpectedly one morning. Guilt about not spending his last years with him. Guilt about not appreciating him and what he had given me until after his death. It's a lot of guilt.

The easiest thing to do is to quickly click away from the pictures, but for some reason I can't look away. It's painful but I have to do it. There's only so long you can pretend that someone is still alive out there somewhere. One day you have to grow up, and maybe the day you commit to a lifelong, legally binding relationship with someone is the day for growing up.

The drama at work continues through subtle hints that I will not be paid very much more for taking on the entire department. It never ends with these people. I am hanging back and waiting while they interview other people. If they want me in the end, we negotiate.

Meanwhile, 2 NY jobs are still pending, one of which looks extremely promising...

In other matters, we are getting down the wire on this wedding thing. Fiance and I spend all of our free time working on this. This week I've been finishing up the website and invitation and he's coordinating staff and choosing plates and flatware. Um, fun?

It Shouldn't Be This Complicated

Wow! I feel like a whole new blogger with this whole new look.

So my life just got a whole lot crazier. I will try to keep this concise without losing any important details.

Sojourness decided to move back up north by end of month whether she has job or not. She got guaranteed freelance work and a family to stay with and is ready to leave the state of Texas. She has worked for the same company for 4 years, the last 2 spent doing the job of the director, with no real promotions or raises to speak of, and it's time to move on.

Sojourness interviewed for jobs up north last week. She was rejected for 2 and 2 are pending, one of which has already expressed to her that she is the lead candidate. That job is an entry-level position that she is willing to take despite her 4.5 years of experience because it's a recession and she wants to be in that city and that industry. The other is a manager position looking for slightly more experience than she has, but she was highly recommended by the higher ups.

A few days ago, she was offered a chance to apply for a director position at her current company. The person who left it did so at least 6 weeks ago and no one considered her for it until they had interviewed people out there and figured out that they cost a whole darn lot. They are laying it on thick that she would be perfect for the position but she is suspicious they will try to lowball her. If she takes it, she has to commit to remaining in Texas at least for now, which is not what she wants to do. Yet part of her thinks to herself, "Am I going to pass up being a director to go be entry-level? How long would it take me to become a director somewhere else?"

She interviews on Tuesday. She found out yesterday that her direct supervisor has been trying to sabotage her behind her back, telling the hiring manager that she is going to up and leave when she gets married, though she has never even hinted at such a thing.

Wow, it feels a lot better to phrase it in the 3rd person as if it's not happening to me.

A New Look

I had forgotten how much fun it was to change things up on the blog, and there are a ton of newer templates since the last time I did it. Woohoo!

Just got back from a week-long trip back home where I interviewed for 4 different jobs. I've made the decision to move back regardless in another month. I'm young, I have no dependents, and I have my old bedroom cleared out for me...it's time to take some risks while I still can.

And how, may I ask, are all of you? :)

I thank God that I have never lost someone close to me to suicide. Yet recently, I have seen people that I love touched by suicide, and it is pretty terrifying. In the first case, a few weeks ago a good friend lost a friend and colleague who was about my age. The girl had been applying to medical school, had a good job and plenty of friends, and showed no signs of severe depression or suicidal tendencies before doing this. Then yesterday I found out that a good friend and colleague of my mother's took his life. He was only 32, and I had met him a few times. Though I didn't know him well, he was my mother's closest friend at work. She talked about him constantly when she started her job 10 years ago and I was still a teenager living at home. I actually feel like I did know him, though I really didn't. Apparently he, too, showed no signs until he posted a farewell note on his Facebook account and ended his life.

I can't stop thinking about him. I see him when I try to go to sleep. I keep remembering his last words on Facebook. I try to be supportive of my mother's grief and hide my own. Why is this affecting me so much when he wasn't technically my friend?

Suicide is so incredibly horrible because it's preventable. The person did not get cancer or get hit by a bus. The person made a definitive choice to end his/her life. Did they really think it through? I wonder. Did they realize it would be over for good? Why didn't they know how important they were to the rest of us, how much we would suffer for this?

And when the basic human instinct is to survive at all costs, why are so many of us making such a choice? According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, every year over 1 million people kill themselves across the globe. What is going on?

I can't get this out of my mind. I feel such a sadness.

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