i'm a total psycho, man. don't know what's wrong with me lately.

today i got serious cold feet about going to texas. i don't know what came over me, but i started realizing that i won't have my friends there, or my family, or the faculty i'm familiar with and quasi-close to, and it was a scary thought. i guess after venice i am tired of the unfamiliar.

however, i cannot be without boyfriend for another four months. that would be way too hard. i will probably feel better once i get there and begin to get adjusted.

i have been thinking a lot about loss lately. not only because of death, although that has certainly contributed to it. this morning i got all upset thinking about how much was lost when my father had his accident nearly two years ago. how my home life, my school life, my leisurely thoughts, my views on life were all different before it happened. my world was different. it was like a total paradigm shift, and i was ushered into this new life that, try as i might, i cannot be comfortable in.

i am not going to pretend that i was living in a wonderland before it happened. i had plenty of difficult things to deal with. but i didn't know just how hard it could get until it did.

and i think about fellowship director, and i wonder where she is now. (i don't mean that in the heaven or hell sense, i mean it in a much more general sense.) where is she? is she conscious? is she still herself? is she simply sleeping? does she understand everything about her life now, as in the five people you meet in heaven? is she just reclining on a cloud with a harp? that would seem an awful waste of such an incredibly talented person.

it is hard to deal with the realization that i will never again be able to call her up or go out to lunch with her and ask her opinion or advice on something. as busy and successful as she was, she always made time for each of us. i never had to ask twice.

i also realize how much i have lost by losing my faith. sometimes i hear christian songs that really get to me and i have this nostalgic type of longing. or sometimes i see christians - the cool kind, not the crazy ones - or church or some type of group and it reminds me of how i had planned out my adult life... what i wanted to be like, who i wanted to associate with, what i wanted to accomplish. my goals are completely different now, which is fine, but still, there is a sense of loss that comes with that. unfortunately, it is not a choice. i cannot just say, i miss being a christian, i'm going to become one again tomorrow! i don't believe the same things anymore, and desire is not going to make me believe them once again.