Things That Make Me Happy: The Smashing Pumpkins

The most exciting thing that has happened in my life since the last posting is that we got DVR. This actually is really exciting - I have been recording up a storm. Harry Potter movies, Anthony Bourdain, I Love Lucy's and King of Queen's... it is a dream come true. I was barely watching any TV at all prior because nothing good was on when I happened to be in front of it.

In the last couple of weeks, I have fallen back into a depression that I have not known for a while. For the past few years I have gone through my ups and downs - a bad day here, a bad week there - but this is more frightening because it is so comfortable and normal. That probably doesn't make any sense unless you've dealt with clinical depression. Bottom line is, it feels right to lay around unmotivated and want to stay in bed for the rest of your life. No panic, no compulsion to get your work done... you just don't care. And I just don't care. I have accomplished very little in the last couple of weeks for this very reason. It concerns me in a cloudy sort of way because I remember these symptoms well. I'm also having a hard time sleeping as much as I need to. Friends From Work #1 and 2 keep asking me if I'm alright, though I am not intentionally moping or anything. It's almost embarrassing when they ask because what can I say?

What to do, what to do...

Communication has been reopened with Cool Aunt but I feel so fed up by this point that I'm keeping my distance. I like things to be civil between us, but that doesn't mean we have to be best of pals. I just can't take a lot of things in my life anymore.

Speaking of which, I have been taking it super easy the last week or so. Kind of retreated to my apartment, my knitting and my library rentals. I like it this way. I hope it remains this way for a while.

I am looking for a job right now. Not only am I earning way below my market value, but I am still put off by gender bias and bullshit in the office. I've been asked to make coffee, buy a replacement shower head for an executive's private bathroom, reorganize the kitchen and mail in a rebate for an executive's new phone. When I was an intern, it pissed me off but I figured that's the way it works when you're bottom of the chain. One of these things, however, happened yesterday, with my 2-year anniversary around the corner, and I just don't want to stand for it anymore. (FFW #2, who has been here a year longer than I have, was told by an executive that she doesn't need to worry about going to grad school, she just needs to find a doctor or lawyer to marry.) I'm hoping that I will be able to take this opportunity to enter a field I am really passionate about. Wish me luck - I'm working my ass off just searching.

I went through a ton of drama over getting a cat last week. I have wanted one for a long time, but dismissed it as something I can't do right now. For one, I'm damn lazy around the house. I don't even pick up after myself. Adding another creature might drive Boyfriend insane. Not only that, but they cost money. They cost money if you buy or adopt them, they cost money for your landlord to let you have them in the apartment, they cost money for shots and neutering, they cost money for food and litter, and they cost (a ton of) money when they get sick. Do I really have all this disposable income to spend on a pet?

Finally I became so enamored with the idea of my own personal kitty cat that I found people on Craiglist who were giving away their pets because of an allergic fiancee or what have you. These animals are already vaccinated and neutered. That knocks the cost way down. I also found out that the pet deposit in my complex is much lower than elsewhere. That also boistered my spirits. I even got Boyfriend to concede, though he seriously dislikes cats.

In the end, however, I have to accept the death of my dream. I decided that if Boyfriend and I are taking not one, but TWO trips to Asia next year, one potentially lasting 4 months, I really have no business getting a pet I will just have to get rid of or pay someone to sit for.

It's very sad because I was so excited and happy about getting one, and I just heard a new study was done saying that owning a cat reduces your chance of heart attack by 1/3.

It's also a shame because pets are supposed to reduce depression and make people happier, and I was kind of looking forward to having something soft and cuddly to purr on my chest in those moments when I can't stop seeing the face in the coffin or the crimes from long ago.

*Sigh*

God, I love a good meme. Thanks Andi.

1. My uncle once: tried to teach me how to play guitar, unsuccessfully.

2. Never in my life: have I done any recreational drugs. Ever. Surprising, right?

3. When I was five: I was a know-it-all.

4. High school was: a waste of my time, except for a handful of good friends I made there.

5. I will never forget: seeing Boyfriend for the first time.

6. Once I met: Toni Morrison and I was so star-struck because I have loved her since I was 16.

7. There’s this girl I know: who crochets like nothing I've ever seen.

8. Once, at a bar: I watched a severe homophobe sweat when he realized it was a lesbian bar... and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

9. By noon, I’m usually: ready to go home!

10. Last night: I went to a new gelateria with Boyfriend.

11. If only I had: a kitty cat.

12. Next time I go to church: should be interesting.

13. What worries me most: is death and loss.

14. When I turn my head left I see: a crooked sign Friend From Work threw together for a trade show last year.

15. When I turn my head right I see: Email/phone list taped to the wall and my mini Van Gogh calendar with X's on it.

16. You know I’m lying when: ...ever I'm lying. It's totally obvious.

17. What I miss most about the 80s is: innocence and Punky Brewster.

18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be: Cordelia.

19. By this time next year: I'd like to have a job I care passionately about.

20. A better name for me would be: .... Don't think there is one. My name is so very me.

21. I have a hard time understanding: Republicans.

22. If I ever go back to school, I’ll: study something I love to death.

23. You know I like you if: I invite you to the random things I organize.

24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be: Boyfriend.

25. Take my advice, never: leave things left unsaid until it's too late.

26. My ideal breakfast is: a big fat Migas taco.


27. A song I love but do not have is: ... Don't laugh, but most of the songs from my copy of City on a Hill: Christmas. I have no idea where the CD is.

28. If you visit my hometown, I suggest you: keep an eye on your wallet. Ha, ha, just kidding! (Somewhat.)

29. Why won’t people: live and let live?

30. If you spend a night at my house: you will be uncomfortable on my couch, but my wit and grace will make up for it.

31. I’d stop my wedding for: something that's life or death, but that's about it.

32. The world could do without: nuclear weapons.

33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: go skydiving.

34. My favourite blonde(s) is/are: Feminist Friend

35. Paper clips are more useful than: most things.

36. If I do anything well it’s: show affection.

37. And by the way: is it 5:00 yet??

Wednesday night I had a mini-dinner party with Artsy Friend and Former Intern I Actually Liked (I am getting good with the aliases, aren't I?). I picked up pizza, AF picked up red wine and FIAL picked up a chocolate cake. We lounged around my living room and watched "Annie Hall." It was great. AF is a longtime fan of the movie and FIAL had never seen it but loved it.

Woody Allen movies always make me miss home. I think Boyfriend and I need to live in Manhattan for some period of our lives, even though the prospect frightens me (hustle, bustle, high prices, small living space, stress!).

In other news, I am in the process of patching things up with Cool Aunt. She has been diagnosed with cancer and I told her I want to support her during this time. I'm trying to set boundaries though, and let her know that there are things I won't accept. We'll see how this turns out.

Is anybody out there? I am not a comment whore or anything, but if you could drop a line, it would help. My tracker is broken and I am starting to feel lonely here in cyberspace, not knowing if anyone still reads this thing.


My relationship with Cool Aunt was severed yesterday. It was inevitable. She engages in abusive behavior with everyone in her life, and it is just like me to have put up with it for two years before finally standing up for myself. Needless to say, she couldn't exactly handle the "I don't care for being spoken to that way" assertion, leading her to say some vindictive things. We are finished.

It is yet another loss, but I am trying to put a real value on relationships right now. Is a one-sided, emotionally abusive relationship valuable simply because the other person is a blood relation? I used to think so, but now I'm not so sure.

Ah, Mondays. Everyone is sad to see the weekend go. For my part, I had a really nice, restful weekend. On Friday night, we had a friend over and watched "The Namesake." Shame on me because I have never actually read it, but I thought the movie was well done. I imagine the novel is even better, as that is usually how it goes.

Saturday we went to the gym and hung around. I spent some time in the library *grin* and some time knitting *grin again*.

Yesterday we did food shopping and the gym once again. I watched a Chinese movie called "Dam Street" that I really liked. More knitting. More lounging. There was also some watching of the Olympics and chomping of TCBY frozen yogurt.


You know, I never really got into the Olympics before, but it is really entertaining. I have been watching swimming, diving and gymnastics. I can't believe people can actually do stuff like that (especially gymnastics). Seriously. I hearken back to my days in a forced high school gymnastic class where they set up uneven bars and rings and pummel horses and balance beams and expected us to morph into Olympians. Yeah right. I sat around every period because there was nothing else I could do. They gave me a mercy pass at the end of semester.