Friday, July 15, 2005

In Joy and Sorrow

Last night New Boyfriend met Fellow Seeker, Skeptic, Veteran Seeker, and company. It was great :) Everyone got along swimmingly, and F.S. said to me while we were alone, "He's so cool!" It is quite hard to get F.S.'s approval on a guy because he thinks no one is good enough for me. (He and Skeptic detested Ex.) It was so nice and made me so happy.

Now, the rest of this entry is going to be dark. I have been thinking dark thoughts lately and want to sort them out, so here I go.

I have been thinking a lot about joy and sorrow. Particularly in my own life. I think it's horribly depressing that we can never truly be happy in life. My Christian upbringing tells me that this is because we are sinful and separated from God and all that. My life experience tells me that this is because we don't live in a perfect world, and even if other people don't hurt you, circumstances will. There is no way around it. I think that this is why so many people need to believe in an afterlife. How could this be all there is? Ever reaching out for fulfillment while it eludes us?

I rage against God or the sky or whatever's out there like a child throwing a tantrum. It's not fair! No matter how hard I try, I will never truly be happy. Something will come along and take it away from me.

That's why I have a problem with all those religious demands - don't drink, don't curse, don't have sex - because what if this life is all there is? Shouldn't you try to get as much happiness as possible? I'm not saying to let things rule your life, or become addicted, or whatever. I just think about what it's like to be seriously into church and denying yourself everything under the sun except prayer, and... I don't know. Isn't that a waste if what you think happens when you die really doesn't?

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