One More Try

Being angry at God - Mentor once told me that this is permissible. At the time, I was in denial. I swore that I wasn't angry at God. Maybe I was still clinging to the idea that I wasn't allowed to be. But in hindsight, I see that I have been angry at God for a long time.

Why?

I just finished reading The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison. At one point in the book, a character writes a letter to God. He accuses God of having abandoned people (specifically, young girls), and he plainly states, "You forgot, Lord. You forgot how and when to be God (181)."

That is why I'm mad at God. I got mad at Him when I saw a movie about the Holocaust on T.V. the other day. I got mad at him last week when I heard someone speak about the Rwandan genocide trials. Yes, I know that people did those things and not God, but as I told Future Priest yesterday, if you were watching a violent crime being committed and you had all the power in the world to stop it but didn't, could you honestly tell me that you loved the victim? I would think you were a hateful person with no concern for anyone but yourself. F.P. brought up the issue of free will, but honestly, I think that the free will argument is just a nice way to say that God's hands are tied on the issue, and how can an omnipotent Being's hands be tied?

Talking to F.P. did make me feel a lot better. I didn't expect it to, not because he isn't a good friend and spiritual person (he is), but because I am so cynical. He urged me to start praying again. I said that I was angry at God and he said to tell Him that. So I did. Last night, I prayed for a long time, just letting everything spill out right in God's face. Surprisingly, it was less angry than it had been in my mind. But it was still very honest and raw, and there were a lot of tears involved. I ended by saying, "I don't know how to forgive You."