Last night I discovered yet another kindred spirit. They just keep popping up everywhere.
Fellow #5 and I got into a conversation in a noisy, crowded bar about God. She asked about my family situation, I told her that my world is still basically falling apart, and she asked if I'm religious. I said, "I'm f---ed up religious," in my typically eloquent fashion, and we started talking about being angry at God and the whole idea of a God who cares about what goes on down here not making sense to us. Just then, the entertainer who was singing and playing guitar performed his rendition of my new theme song, R.E.M.'s Losing My Religion. I swear he did.
Late last night, I spoke to Mentor. He IMed me to ask my opinion on some church-ey stuff. Why he still does is beyond me. I kept reminding him that I'm not the person to ask but he said I was the perfect person to ask. He wanted to know my responses and thoughts on things, so I had to answer as the old me, the eighteen-year-old one who was once in his class explaining to the room why women can and should be pastors. He asked me to describe my ideal church so I tried to remember what I used to look for. It actually filled me with a touch (a touch) of wistful longing. When I was done describing it, he said that it was wonderful and asked, "What if you found a church like that?" I stiffened and replied, "I'm not looking for those things anymore."
Naturally that didn't end the discussion, only opened it up to include the why's and how's of my current experience. He broke out into the free will argument (my favorite) but that is no longer compelling for me. Then he said that he understood how horrible my father's accident was, but... I interrupted and let him know that it is no longer about that. It's not.
Anyway, we are meeting for coffee next week, so this discussion will resume. Oddly enough, next week is full of plans with people who are concerned about my soul. I appreciate the concern but I don't think anyone can help me. Besides, if help is defined by getting me back into the whole church deal, then I'm not sure I want to be helped.