i'm so bored with blogger templates. i guess that's what happens when you blog for over a year and are as capricious as me. i have been looking for other ones online but nothing good is ever free. i wish i knew how to design one instead of being a big mooching loser.

not much is going on. i still have to 'fare le valige' because i'm leaving sunday and i haven't done a damn thing. the big red suitcase is still empty. i just don't feel like doing it, which is so not a good reason but it's mine.

in addition to rereading love (i heart toni morrison) i have been reading portnoy's complaint because i also heart philip roth. i am almost done with it and am still not sure how i feel about it. i had heard that it would be so funny, and there have been a couple of funny bits, but certainly not as much as it was hyped up to be. i am not feeling particularly prudish - the gratuitous, at times offensive, sex descriptions don't offend me - but i am wondering what the point of them is. so far, all i can gather is that they are to show what a deranged obsession this man has with the c-word. the entire novel is one big therapy session, as he keeps speaking to "doctor" rather than me, the reader. so perhaps it is all a way to build this grand psychological picture of the main character. i'm not sure. i will not know whether or not it has been worthwhile until i finish it. yeah, it's one of those.

in other news:

i just went to the dentist and had some happy gas. oh baby.

i'm cooking frozen french fries for dinner. no, vegetarians don't have to eat this badly, i just do.

sister's boyfriend (have i mentioned him? they got together while i was away) has wiccan parents, so when he comes to pick her up, the bumper sticker on his (their) car says, wiccan army: no, we will not fly quietly into the night! ha ha, that shit cracks me up.

this is an interesting alternative to a woman taking her husband's name upon marriage.

kudos to men who are willing to do that.

today i had a lunch meeting with program coordinator and new fellowship director to discuss the internship i just completed. it was my first time in the office since i have been back. when i walked in, the lights in the hall leading to the actual offices were dimmed. (it is that kind of relaxed office atmosphere, so it wasn't completely alien that the lights were like that, but it is still an abnormal occurrence.) i immediately thought that it was fitting, as if the very building was mourning the loss of the amazing fellowship director.

the three of us left to go to lunch. they asked me if i had any preference; i said no. consequently, they took me to a restaurant that fellowship director had taken me to once. they kept asking questions such as, "so how was it?" and i was just giving them one-line answers, "oh it was nice. really nice." silence.

when we sat down at the table, i said, "i'm sorry for being so quiet. it is just strange..." program coordinator gave me an understanding look, apparently thinking i was going to say something like, "...to be back home again," because when i said, "...to be at the office again without f.d." her face first registered shock, then sorrow. she had probably expected for us to discuss the loss of f.d. at some point but i guess she didn't see it coming at that point, and when she realized what i was saying, she had to fight back tears. she started saying something about how much f.d. thought of me, which was a bit much for me, when thankfully the waiter came over to take the drink order. after he left, we looked at the menus in silence. i wiped my eyes.

the rest of the lunch was fine. when we went back to the office and said our goodbyes, however, p.c. said to me that she just tells herself every day how lucky she was to have known f.d. she looked as if she would burst into tears, even more than she had in the restaurant. i just let her words pass over me and tried to look like i agreed with what she was saying - i did, but my face wouldn't register it. if i allowed myself to really think about it, i would have gotten overly emotional in the office. i didn't trust myself.

death boggles my mind. i can't really fathom it. how can she just not be here anymore? she was here when i left; i saw her the night before at our ceremony. how can people just go away, never to return? like in hannah and her sisters when woody allen thinks he has a brain tumor and he says to himself, "nothing's gonna happen to you. you're in the middle of new york city. this is your town. you're surrounded by people and traffic and restaurants. i mean, god, how can you just one day . . . vanish?"

after thoroughly attacking a plate of spinach, artichoke and mushroom enchiladas last night, i have decided that the time has come to stop making excuses and get back in shape. i will be happy if i can just reach the level of healthiness that i had when i was, oh, about nine years old. that should do it.

you know, i bet if i rode a bike or went to dance class or skated or jumped rope or played ball all day like i did then, i probably would be in amazing shape.

i just started heartbreak: the political memoir of a
feminist militant by andrea dworkin.

"women in western societies now take the following oath: my veil was made by revlon, and i will not show my face; i believe in free speech, which includes the buying and selling of my sisters in pornography and prostitution, but if we call it 'trafficking' I'm against it - how dare one exploit third world or foreign or exotic women; my body is mostly skeleton and if anyone wants to write on it, they must use the finest brush and write the simplest of haiku; i have sex, i like sex, i am sex, and while being used may offend me on principle or concretely, i will fight back by manipulation and lies but deny it from kindergarten to the grave; i have no sense of honor and, girls, if there's one thing you can count on, you can count on that. if this were not the common, current practice - if triviality and deceit were not the coin of the female realm - there would be nothing remarkable in who i am or how i got the way i am."

"so here's the deal as i see it: i am ambitious - god knows, not for money; in most respects but not all i am honorable; and i wear overalls: kill the bitch. but the bitch is not yet ready to die. brava, she says, alone in a small room."

lifted from katie schwartz...

10 years ago:

• i still rode a bike and had rollerblades.

• i was captain of the school debate team - can you say nerd?

• i wrote short stories and songs.

• my "home & career skills" class teacher gave us that marriage/children project. i was married to a chubby chinese boy named harry and we had twins.

• i still hung out primarily with my two childhood friends. we had sleepovers, worshipped tlc (as in the r&b group) and threw each other surprise birthday parties.

• i had the best english teacher ever. she was a crazy old woman with curly red hair and glasses who loved me.

• the principal offered me and a friend the chance to leave my class and go into the higher honors class. she turned it down but i took it, and everyone thought i was a traitor.

• i slow-danced with a boy for the first time at a school dance.
  

5 years ago:

• i slept on the sidewalk to meet paul mccartney.

• my twin sisters were born ... while i was at a monkees concert.

• i graduated high school.

• i was a devout christian.

• i went out each thursday for "coffee night" with my friends.

• best friend and i ditched the prom to see weezer.

• i lost 25-30 pounds thanks to tae bo and having no life.

one year ago:

i met the love of my life.

5 songs I know all the words to:

1. pretty much every beatles song
2. "one week" - barenaked ladies
3. "il cielo in una stanza" - mina
4. coldplay's "a rush of blood to the head" album
5. "piano man" - billy joel

5 snacks I love and wish I could eat:

1. quiznos' snickerdoodle toffee cookies
2. gelato :/
3. chips and guacamole
4. chewy sugar-free peanut butter cookies
5. zeppoles!

5 places I'd run away to:

1. italy
2. spain
3. ireland
4. mexico
5. greece

5 things I'd never wear:

1. stilettos
2. a weave
3. fake nails
4. pasties
5. contacts

5 favorite tv shows:

1. 30 days
2. sopranos
3. sex and the city
4. king of queens
5. i love lucy

5 greatest joys:

1. playing with my sisters
2. reading
3. laughing with friends
4. eating really good food
5. getting hugs from boyfriend

5 favorite toys:

1. my laptop
2. my ipod, if it wasn't so damn annoying
3. my digital camera
4. my car, lilith
5. my journal

5 people I'm tagging:

1. wolvie
2. andi
3. dena
4. nomad, to do on myspace se lei vuole
5. whoever else wants it

i am still trying to finish work that was due weeks ago. i have run out of things to write about in regards to my internship but i have pages left to fill up in my "professional journal." eek.

there is not much else to tell about... i have just been trying to organize what i will be doing in the fall. i need to start looking for a job. if i can find something that remotely interests me - like working in a library or museum rather than a mcdonalds - i will be very happy :)

i tried to get back into my exercise routine but that only amounted to doing my bellydance workout once and playing some volleyball in the pool. um... yeah.

i miss the days of going to yoga and aerobics classes and feeling fine!

what is new, what is new... ?

i have a tumultuous relationship with caffeine. when i get addicted, i get addicted. if i skip my morning coffee, i am guaranteed monstrous headaches throughout the day. which is why i weened myself off caffeine altogether and onto decaf before i went to italy. but italian coffee is so good that i had to let loose and now the addiction, complete with withdrawal symptoms, is back. mamma mia!!

i saw 'scoop' yesterday. it wasn't earth-shattering, but it was enjoyable woody so i had fun. and i am so proud of woody for not hooking up with scarlett johansson in the movie. i might have thrown up repeatedly if he had done that. i give the man credit, he was still pulling off the i'm-incredibly-older-than-you-but-we-can-make-a-believable-cinematic-couple up until recently. but to push it now would just be... wrong.

i love woody allen, he is a god.

i'm a total psycho, man. don't know what's wrong with me lately.

today i got serious cold feet about going to texas. i don't know what came over me, but i started realizing that i won't have my friends there, or my family, or the faculty i'm familiar with and quasi-close to, and it was a scary thought. i guess after venice i am tired of the unfamiliar.

however, i cannot be without boyfriend for another four months. that would be way too hard. i will probably feel better once i get there and begin to get adjusted.

i have been thinking a lot about loss lately. not only because of death, although that has certainly contributed to it. this morning i got all upset thinking about how much was lost when my father had his accident nearly two years ago. how my home life, my school life, my leisurely thoughts, my views on life were all different before it happened. my world was different. it was like a total paradigm shift, and i was ushered into this new life that, try as i might, i cannot be comfortable in.

i am not going to pretend that i was living in a wonderland before it happened. i had plenty of difficult things to deal with. but i didn't know just how hard it could get until it did.

and i think about fellowship director, and i wonder where she is now. (i don't mean that in the heaven or hell sense, i mean it in a much more general sense.) where is she? is she conscious? is she still herself? is she simply sleeping? does she understand everything about her life now, as in the five people you meet in heaven? is she just reclining on a cloud with a harp? that would seem an awful waste of such an incredibly talented person.

it is hard to deal with the realization that i will never again be able to call her up or go out to lunch with her and ask her opinion or advice on something. as busy and successful as she was, she always made time for each of us. i never had to ask twice.

i also realize how much i have lost by losing my faith. sometimes i hear christian songs that really get to me and i have this nostalgic type of longing. or sometimes i see christians - the cool kind, not the crazy ones - or church or some type of group and it reminds me of how i had planned out my adult life... what i wanted to be like, who i wanted to associate with, what i wanted to accomplish. my goals are completely different now, which is fine, but still, there is a sense of loss that comes with that. unfortunately, it is not a choice. i cannot just say, i miss being a christian, i'm going to become one again tomorrow! i don't believe the same things anymore, and desire is not going to make me believe them once again.

i'm rereading sylvia plath's the bell jar. i read it for the first time over a year ago and fell in love with it. i can relate to so much of what she writes about: being a 20-something woman, wanting to be a successful writer, trying to figure out men, trying to navigate a woman's role in society, and struggling with depression.

sylvia rocks, i love her.



Mad Girl's Love Song

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

sister's frog, bob, died. he suffered a gruesome demise in front of the entire family and some guests.

sister noticed that he was swollen and huge, and that he had vomited up several crickets. we all crowded around and agreed that he was, in fact, much bigger than usual. he began flopping around and landed belly up with his legs splayed out and his head submerged under the water, but he just remained that way. we started freaking out and tapping the glass. what is he doing?? then he just went stiff. he deflated and was no longer swollen, and his eyes were half-open, half-closed.

sister was upset. she made puff daddy's 'i'll be missing you' the background music on bob's myspace profile.

yes, he has his own myspace account.

aside from that, life just rolls along. i have discovered a beautiful thing called denial. when i received the email that fellowship director passed away, i cried for a while, and then i just stopped. i realized that i didn't like how it felt to grieve and mourn and that it was going to be painful as long as i thought about it, so i just turned it off. now i am acting as if it hasn't happened. that can't be healthy psychologically, but it feels so much better not to have to suffer through certain feelings. i have learned to 'turn off' a host of things recently.

also, i somehow picked up a british accent while in italy. i swear. i tend to adopt the accent of those around me, but for some reason, my english friends must have had more of an impact than my italian friends, because boyfriend and mother keep commenting on my new mode of speech. i can also hear it myself. what the hell?

fellowship director passed away.

i think the nicest thing that i can do is to quote from a thank you email she once sent to all of the fellows:

As Edith Wharton has written: "There are two ways of spreading light, to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it." Each of us will no doubt have the opportunity to serve in either, or both, capacities. As a young faculty member I thought I might be some sort of a candle; as my years with [various programs] increase, I can see how I and each of you can serve as mirrors. And what a glorious reflection of light our collective mirrors and candles are.

Your Aura is Blue

Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life.You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships. The purpose of your life: showing love to other people. Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dalai Lama, Oprah. Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor.

What Color Is Your Aura?

i'm having a bit of a rough day. i have just been lying around with my thoughts which is rarely a good thing. boyfriend is napping and the house is dark and quiet. it's raining outside. there's thunder and lightning. i just ate the last chocolate chip cookie we had.

i have decided to reread killing the buddha. i read that book last summer and really loved it to death. i think that the year has put enough distance between myself and the stories and ideas in the book so that reading it again, a year older and wiser, will be a different experience. i'm pretty jazzed.

also reading the 3rd harry potter book, because i am behind the rest of the universe.

i'm home now, and my internal clock is fucked up beyond recognition. so if anyone wants to hang out and catch up at 4.00 a.m., let me know because i'm down.

fun parts about coming home:

*kid sisters freaked out upon seeing me. like, freaked out.

*sister put up balloons, drawing by the girls, and blasted the theme song from 'welcome back kotter' as i walked into the house.

*seeing how gigantic baby sister is now that she is seven months old and actually doing things like trying to grab your face, sitting up by herself and hitting at her toys.

*cuddles from boyfriend.

less-than-fun parts about coming home:

*having internal clock screwed up.

*kid sisters are begging me to 'do the schmoop,' a hand puppet character i invented and desperately hoped they would forget about while i was in europe.

*baby sister has no idea who the fuck i am and screams when i try to drool all over her.

*knowing that i am leaving for about four months and when i return, i will be like a random stranger to baby sister. so sad, for me at least, especially when compared to the role i played with kid sisters when they were that age.

i'm in paris, and yet i cannot wait to go home. how carrie bradshaw am i??

i think that my perception of places is colored by my attitude while i'm there. for example, as soon as i left the train station in milan, an italian cab driver did not listen to my directions and then called me a 'putana' (whore) when he realized he took me to the wrong place. surprisingly, no matter how many nice things were there, i couldn't get into milan after that.

i was happy in nice because my hostel was close to the train station so i got to drop off my luggage and not pick it up again for a few days. and i saw great museums there.

i am not overjoyed at paris because i go home in two days - just two days! - and i am overly anxious. besides, i am tired of traveling alone. people are so much more important than places and things. everyone knows that in theory, but you don't fully realize it until you go to really amazing places and see really amazing things, but all you can think about are really amazing people.

crepes, on the other hand, are not something that need to be shared to be fully appreciated. i had a nutella crepe today, and to be honest, if boyfriend were here and tried to share it with me, i might have smacked him.