• I like New Boss a lot. We met for an hour this morning to introduce ourselves. He seems to be the kind of manager who builds people up in order to get them to produce the best results, rather than cutting them down or criticizing harshly. That is the kind of manager I work with best because I am uber-sensitive.
  
  
• I finished my first ever knitting project! It is a pink wool scarf. I now know to use more yarn for the next one because it's not as long as I would have liked, but I am totally excited. Headless photo ala Cheeky Nomad forthcoming.
  
  
• CLF and I are going to a local knitting group tonight after having dinner together. I know, it's like I turned 80 overnight, but I love it.

I think that it is really sucky that some people manipulate our fear of death by asserting that eternal torment awaits certain people who don't agree with them.

Goddess of the Week: Juno

Juno (or Hera) was married to Jupiter/Zeus and thus represents the wife and life partner. She protected her status as Queen of Olympus with a passion.

Literally, Juno is the epitome of a strong woman who can say, "I deepen my willingness to give and receive unconditional love."

I grow stronger through forgiveness

*From Goddess.com.au

Today was a great day. I am trying to fight the depression as best I can. Yes, grief is normal, but it is also damn hard. While yesterday was a sucky day, today was good. Boyfriend and I had lunch with CLF and CLFH, complete with Oreo cheesecake for dessert. Mamma mia.

Afterwards he and I browsed a bookstore and a crafts store, where I bought some more funky yarn. (I am really getting into my knitting.) We did some boring stuff like food shopping but I feel relaxed and okay.


On Friday night CLF and Artsy Friend came over and we all knitted together. It was great because they are more experienced than me so I was able to ask all my questions. We had pizza and wine, as well as a chocolate chip cookie cake that Boyfriend and I picked up as a surprise for Artsy Friend. It said "Congrats!" to applaud her for getting into the university she applied to, as a transfer. One smart lady.

Let me paint a picture for you. The apartment is quiet; I am the only one at home. It is dusk, maybe a little past so that it’s dark but not pitch black. I have opened the door to our balcony, but I’m not sitting outside. I am sitting in the doorway, on the floor, so that no one can see me from the street below unless they really look. A lavender scented candle glows in its holder beside me and I am sipping cheap Cabernet Sauvignon out of my pretty pink and gold wine glass, the one I paid a couple bucks for. And I’m writing as the breeze hits me from the side.

Moments like this make me feel like I’m gonna make it after all. You know, like Mary Tyler Moore.

I posted this here three years ago and just found it again. It is so beautiful and haunting.

Rain

Rain, midnight rain, nothing but the wild rain
On this bleak hut, and solitude, and me
Remembering again that I shall die
And neither hear the rain nor give it thanks
For washing me cleaner than I have been
Since I was born into this solitude.
Blessed are the dead that the rain rains upon:
But here I pray that none whom I once loved
Is dying to-night or lying still awake
Solitary, listening to the rain,
Either in pain or thus in sympathy
Helpless among the living and the dead,
Like a cold water among broken reeds,
Myriads of broken reeds all still and stiff,
Like me who have no love which this wild rain
Has not dissolved except the love of death,
If love it be for what is perfect and
Cannot, the tempest tells me, disappoint.

- Edward Thomas

Things That Annoy the Crap Out of Me

• Our company has a scholarship program. There is a website for said scholarship. Why do people keep emailing me asking how to apply? The only way they have the email address is through the scholarship page, which lays out how to apply. New rule: if you can't read or follow instructions, you do not deserve money to help you continue wasting the time and energy of your professors.
  
  
• People who apply for a scholarship without having run a spell check on their papers or given it to another individual to at least look at. Hey everyone, free money over here! You don't even have to work for it, we will take your crappy left over Comp I papers.
  
  
• Childhood friends who don't talk to you for four years and then apologize for it by saying, "I was really busy and then I was afraid you were angry that I hadn't talked to you so I continued not to talk to you." The only reason they are talking to you now is because they ran into your sister and feel guilty that your father died.
  
  Interestingly enough, they found plenty of time to remain in contact with your thinner, prettier, more popular friend, whom they haven't known for nearly as long and only know through you. I guess some of us never left high school.
  

I need some goddamn coffee, and maybe a chill pill.

The only people at my job who know why I was out last week are Boss, Friends From Work #1 and #2, New Boss and HR Lady. Today is my first day back and people keep asking where I was, or how my vacation went. I don't like to share personal information, especially the kind that makes things awkward, but I cannot bring myself to say with a smile, "It was a great! Yee ha!" so I wind up telling them the truth.

They get weird looks on their faces and apologize. I don't want them to apologize, I just can't pretend that I had a fun trip when I buried my father.

Life is so complicated sometimes.

Fellow (my roommate in Italy, for those of you who forgot) emailed me the following Walt Whitman quote:

"What do you think has become of the young and old men?
And what do you think has become of the women and children?

They are alive and well somewhere,
The smallest sprout shows there is really no death,
And if ever there was it led forward life, and does not wait at the end to arrest it,
And ceas'd the moment life appear'd.

All goes onward and outward, nothing collapses,

And to die is different from what any one supposed, and luckier."

- Leaves of Grass

Thoughts

1. If I ever become the kind of writer who is remembered long after her death as having inspired people and made them think about the meaning of life, then I must be prepared for the possibility that some of my journal entries will be showcased in museums one day.
   
   
2. Imagine a person you love is going to die in 25 minutes: what would you say to them before they go? Think about it and then say it to them now. (I wish someone would have told me this.)
   
   
3. There are things about a person that you can never know until you attend their funeral. You should therefore not beat yourself up for not knowing and discussing with said person while they were alive.
   
   
4. If your glass of water tastes musty, just think: it might be the ice cubes, not the water. (I learned this valuable lesson thanks to American Airlines and thought it might have some philosophical value. You're welcome :)
   

The wake and burial were difficult - extremely - but not as difficult as I thought they would be. As I told a few friends, I felt some kind of grace on me throughout. Something outside of myself was carrying me along because it could have easily been a lot worse. (Having so many of my friends there was a huge part of it.)

The thing that really fucking gets me is that he died through hospital negligence. This is not a conspiracy theory my family has concocted, but the conclusion of the doctor who did the autopsy. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to know that my father died in vain at such a young age? His life was half over by the time I was born, when he was a year younger than I am now. It's ridiculous.

It is so hard not to get angry in a world where people who are being paid an ungodly amount of money let your loved ones die because they don't feel like doing their jobs.

I go home tomorrow and am looking forward to it. I need the space and solitude.

I don't like to ask for things but your prayers may just be what is holding me up right now, so I would love it if you would keep them up. Thanks :)

The loss of a parent is something I had hoped not to have to experience so soon. All I can say is, I don't know how so many people deal with this very terrible event. If you think about it, most people lose both of their parents in their lifetime. It is practically a universal experience.

I am home now, answering hard questions about God, heaven and why this had to happen from Kid Sisters #1 and #2. Sister has kidney stones, so an emotionally painful time is compounded by a physically painful condition. My mother is strong, as always, taking care of all of the preparations, but it is hard for her. "I'm with him since I'm 13," she reminds me.

I will probably continue to blog because there is little I can do with myself right now. I would appreciate a prayer or two on our behalf for the wake and burial this week. I don't know how I am going to react to seeing my father's body in person.

Thanks.