I cannot believe they make Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp cereal. If I didn't have a reason to believe in God before...
Boyfriend mentioned to me the other day that in the past six months or so, my blog has become less and less about my philosophies on life and more and more about me personally. Although there have been several posts in which I rant about this, that, and the other thing, this is generally true. I grew tired of tackling grandiose questions on subjects like religion. Part of me is fascinated by it and lives for the search, while the rest of me (the part that has taken over recently) is simply tired of looking, especially when there's a good chance that I will never find what I'm looking for.
I passed a church the other day. Even in my heretical state, I simply love churches. I looked at it and thought, "It's so beautiful. Too bad it's empty." I didn't mean empty of people, I meant empty as in not holding anything I can use. I feel like churches are full of ideas, nothing more. (Sure, a sense of community and service too, but I mean in the sense of trying to relate to God.) Now, I am a huge fan of ideas; if I wasn't, I wouldn't read as much as I do. But I think that where Christianity failed me - aside from offending me with its scriptures and tenets - is in the whole relationship to God aspect. Yes, you're supposed to make all these sacrifices for your faith, but in turn, you are supposed to get closer to God. Become more fulfilled. Have a purpose in life.
I see now that I was seeking a transcendental experience. I read Thoreau and Emerson and Whitman and thought, If this exists, I want this! But they weren't even talking about my faith, so I don't know why I expected the kind of connection they wrote so passionately about.
Now, you can argue that if I wasn't/am not close to God, that the fault lies with me and not the religion. I suppose that's a fair point for an observer to make, but it's not a valid point if only for the fact that I tried. I really did. For years and years. And if I failed, it was not for lack of trying. Perhaps it was for lack of perfection and divinity. Why should it be our fault that it is so hard to reach God when our humanity forbids the very idea of it?