Lament

I have wanted to write about something for nearly a week, but I hesitated. First, I decided not to mention it at all in order to protect Boyfriend's privacy. Then, several days ago, he brought up some points surrounding what had occurred, and told me with a smile that he expected me to address these issues in my blog. (Cutie.) I still waited, however, because this has been a painful thing for me as well as for him (though not nearly in the same way), and I didn't feel ready to write about it yet.

Boyfriend's Uncle passed away last week. This was the reason for our earlier trip. Boyfriend's Uncle lives in the same city that I do, and if it weren't for Boyfriend staying at his house and interning at the company he works at last summer, the two of us might never have met. His passing was sudden and shocked Boyfriend's entire family.

When we found out, I didn't know what to do. I wanted to weep for this man even though I never met him. I had seen pictures and heard stories and been in his home. I thought about his wife and two daughters and what a good person he was (from the stories I had heard) and I just couldn't take it. But I decided that I needed to be strong for Boyfriend, so I tried to keep these things in as much as I could.

He was telling me the other night that members of his family noted that in the past year, his uncle had gotten to do a lot of things he had wanted to do. They seemed to view that as the culmination of his life, and then decided that God had taken him for greater work now. Boyfriend asked, "Greater work? He has a wife and two kids." He also said that of all the people he knew, his uncle was always helping anyone he could, and there was just no reason why he would deserve to be taken so soon. Which made me think about God and life and death, naturally.

What do I think about what he said, what his family said? I'm not entirely sure, to tell you the truth. I'm not positive that I have a belief in an involved, personal God anymore. When I think about the concept, I am neither convinced of Its existence nor Its absence. I just don't know. If there is a God and I could ask It some questions, I would want to know why we are put on this earth, without asking to be, and then have to suffer so much, and are completely vulnerable to fate, nature, other people, and our own bodies. Then I would ask just how I am supposed to believe It cares for us when It allows this to go on. Boyfriend speculated that if there is a God, It is most likely incapable of multitasking, and it lets people slip through the cracks without noticing.