Smile Like You Mean It

Good mood people! I went to the doctor today and it turns out that I have lost eleven pounds since the fall. Which is not a lot because the fall was a long time ago, but I haven't always been on track with my fitness, so it surprised the hell out of me. I also have an interview next week for a clerical position at the ... dum dum dum! ... library. Talk about a great place for me to work ;) And you know what else? My old boss from the internship I did two years ago told me that her sister lives in Paris and would love to show me around and give me a place to stay if I visit while in Europe. I am getting seriously excited now. I even got my passport in the mail after it made a fun trip around the country.

I'm not so happy that Sister and her boyfriend broke up the other night. At first I thought it was just one of their blowouts, and that they would make up soon after, but they are both sticking to it even though they have made up in the sense that they are talking as friends. Perhaps my sister has learned the valuable lesson of not tattooing a guy's name to your body after being with him for six months. But I really like Sister's Boyfriend (um, now Sister's Ex?), he's a sweetheart. Quite sad.

Random

I really love bulleted lists. When I use them, I don't have to make up transitions between things that have nothing to do with each other.

* A new massage place opened in my neighborhood, and they offer a 40-minute full body massage for $10. I was like, holy crap. I have wanted a massage for a while but they're so damn expensive. So I went, and it turns out that it wasn't a massage from a person. It was a bed you lay in, fully clothed, for 40 minutes. (This was music to Boyfriend's ears.) It was great. I started fantasizing about vacations with lakes and gazebos, which was weird because I never consciously think about places like that.

* Yesterday I went to meet with the two heads of the office at my college that deals with scholarships, fellowships, internships, job fairs, etc. They know me fairly well because of my fellowship. I wanted to let them know that I was back home to stay (until I leave for Italy) and also that I have seriously been considering some things. I thought they were going to be upset - even if they didn't show it - because the main things I wanted to run by them was the possibility of leaving the honors program, going to school part-time while working from now on, and doing a semester away at another school. They seemed to think all three were great ideas. Shocked the hell out of me. I mean, they didn't say, "Leave the honors?? Why didn't we think of that before?? That's marvelous!" But after I explained my reasons, they agreed that they were not only valid reasons, but that these are the best choices I could be making. It was bizarre, but I was very happy to have their support. Let's see if the people in the honors program are as delighted.

* I keep having weird-ass nightmares, and it's pissing me off. Last night I dreamed that in the middle of a big party we were throwing, my uncle (although in the dream it was not my uncle, but rather someone who looked frighteningly like Christopher Lloyd) boomed, in a loud voice, "What is April 17?" And I responded, "Lincoln's assassination." (I was only off by a few days.) Then he looked at me and said, "That's right." And he killed himself.

Changed Your Mind

Lately I have been in nostalgic religion mode. Meaning, I've been listening to Christian music and hymns. This happens every so often. The thing is, it really is nostalgia now, and not much more, because as I listen I miss the concept of a loving God, but I just don't believe in one. I'm not saying I don't believe in God at all, but the things that the Judeo-Christian God has done make Him seem less than loving. Examples:

Genesis 6:17
I am going to bring floodwaters on the earth to destroy all life under the heavens, every creature that has the breath of life in it. Everything on earth will perish.

Numbers 21:6
Then the LORD sent venomous snakes among them; they bit the people and many Israelites died.

Psalm 78:31
God's anger rose against them; he put to death the sturdiest among them, cutting down the young men of Israel.

Luke 12:5
But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after the killing of the body, has power to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him.

Yeahhh. Things like that kind of kill the message for me.

Yesterday Fellow Seeker called me with some big news he was reading in a philosophy magazine: the Catholic Church might/will abolish Limbo from its doctrine. Not to offend any Catholics who love Limbo, but I always thought it was kind of a sick concept. I found this article about the possible rejection of the Limbo 'hypothesis' at Catholic.org. Interesting stuff.

What I don't understand - and I would love Future Priest's input on this - is how you can justify dismissing a belief the Church has held since the Middle Ages. I see that they're claiming it has always been a 'hypothesis' rather than a fact with scriptural basis, but the Catholics I know never thought of it that way. It was a church doctrine, and they believed it. My father was adamant about baptizing me in the Catholic church, even though Mother had become born again (he hadn't yet) and they weren't even church-goers. There's a real fear of not baptizing babies soon enough. My question is, was John Paul II and is Benedict XVI more attuned to God's character and will than previous popes? I don't get it.

Catching Up

Some things that have happened lately...

* I've gotten into belly dancing as a form of exercise. Don't get me wrong - running in the cold with flat feet is nothing short of delightful - but somehow this new trend is more fun for me. I took a Hips, Buns, Thighs tape out of the library. After the first time I did it, my ass was so sore. (I suppose that's a good thing.) Then I did it again yesterday, and it wasn't as difficult or painful as the first time. But this morning my back is killing me from one of the stretches they made me do. Belly dancing was not meant for chubby white girls; when am I going to learn?

* I saw Future Priest on Thursday. He gave me books - yayyyy - and we caught up a bit. It was unusually warm so we went for a walk in the park. It was a lot of fun, but it was a shame that I was pressed for time and we couldn't hang out longer. Next time.

* Yesterday Boyfriend and I were bumming around the city. We inadvertently found a street fair. We had zeppoles (oh baby) and after taking one bite, powdered sugar drenched my dark brown pea coat. I looked like I had been through a massive snowstorm or something. But those are so yummy, I can't take it. Boyfriend filled out an application for a credit card at some stand and got me a free yoga mat. A free yoga mat! How great is that? I've been wanting one for a while.

* Junior, our cat, ate Squeak, Kid Sisters' fish. It was only a matter of time. Just because we put Squeak way up on top of the closet doesn't mean the cat wouldn't have figured it out sooner or later.

* I'm a lazy, good-for-nothing lump who is not studying my Italian or reading any of the books on the extensive bibliographies I received in preparation for my summer internship in Italia. I don't know what's wrong with me, I better get my ass moving. I watch The Sopranos, but somehow I suspect that isn't enough.

* Boyfriend and I are staying here for the next month and a half before I leave (month and a half! gee whiz), not going back to Texas. Yes, my family drives me crazy, but when he's here with me it's not so bad.

Right On

Wanna know why I adore this blog? Read this. Now.

With This Ring

Look, it's animated me for HNT!

I was quite happy yesterday because I found my Ringo ring. When I was in high school, I found this funky, ostentatious ring in a party store and wore it all the time because it reminded me of Ringo's ring in Help! So after finding it yesterday, I wore it all day long, hee hee.

Quiet Time

Tonight I went to my very first meditation "class" at my local Buddhist Vihara. I use the term loosely. I thought that a "class" would instruct people on how to meditate, but it was more like a meeting for people who already know how. An interesting and new experience, but I will have to find another group or read up on my own in order to know what to do in the future.

I arrived seven minutes late and everyone was already sitting against each wall with their legs crossed and their eyes closed. I found an unoccupied place and sat down on the pillow stationed there. I crossed my legs and closed my eyes. I waited for the instruction to begin, but it never did. In the next 50 minutes, there were only four sentences spoken, by the monk: "Mindfully breathe in... mmm. Mindfully breathe out... mmm." "Mindfully breathe in... mmm. Mindfully breathe out... mmm." When I say four sentences, I mean that literally. He said it every half hour or something. I got all excited that he was actually speaking, but that was all he said.

I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be thinking about something in particular, or not think about anything at all. I wound up thinking about who was going to get kicked off of American Idol and how much I was craving a cheeseburger. It's not like I didn't try, but it was hard. I heard a stomach growling to my left and I'm pretty sure I heard a snore to my right, but whatever. I also lost the blood flow and feeling in my legs. I really wanted to keep my eyes open and look at the beautiful statues in the front of the room. There was a gigantic Buddha, and some little ones, and fresh flowers all in front. I sneaked a peek, which was perfectly fine since everyone else had their eyes closed, but then one woman opened her eyes for a second and noticed me. I snapped my eyes shut. (It was reminiscent of childhood prayers at dinner: "Mom, Sister has her eyes open!" "How would you know unless yours were open too??")

After an hour, the monk began reciting blessings for pretty much everyone on the planet. He said things like, "May I be free from harm. May I attain peace and happiness through nirvana." He had a whole list, and he went through it for "I," "my parents," "friends," "family members," "relatives," "unfriendly beings," and "we." Then the next hour was spent reading and discussing dharma. It actually got pretty interesting as they discussed reincarnation and death. I was riveted. But after two hours I realized that people would be looking for me and that I needed to get out of there. Some people stopped me at the door where we were all putting our shoes back on, and told me that there is another class at another place that is more instructional for beginners.

It was quite funny, actually; I didn't tell Mother I was going because, as I told Sister, "She'd probably worry that I'll bring home demons or something," to which she replied, "Hopefully they'll stay in the basement with you." (LMAO I love that kid.) Then when I got home and told Fellow Seeker I went to a meditation meeting, he asked me right away, "Did you see any demons?" (We have similar denominational backgrounds and we know the drill on unfamiliar things equaling pure evil.)

These Days

I know I haven't written lately, but there just hasn't been anything of interest to write about. I guess I can throw some random things into a bulleted list, just to keep this thing alive.

* I'm reading Eve: A Biography, and it kicks ass. Kicks. Ass. The only thing is it's a fucking monster. 404 pages, and I am not one for long books. But it's so good that I forgive it.

* Yesterday I went food shopping with Mother. I had a disturbing experience in the seafood section. I stood and watched those poor, doomed lobsters in the tank for close to ten minutes. Many of them lie there, resigned to their fates, but a couple of them fought back. One of them had climbed half-way up the divider and was clinging there with its claws. Another kept trying to walk around as if it were still in the ocean, and consequently, just bumped into the side of the tank, over and over and over. It just didn't learn. No sooner did it slam into the side then it tried again. A couple were locked into wrestling poses because of their close proximity. It really made me sad. Mother walked over several times and told me to stop being weird.

* Today I went to a museum and saw an exhibit of Native American art. I took tons of photos, but this is my favorite. This case contains all carvings of women. Aren't they pretty?

And guess what I got for only ten bucks?? A gigunda poster of George Catlin's Buffalo Bill's Back: Fat, Head Chief... Isn't he great?

* Speaking of which, I finally decorated my room the way I want it. There are masks from Indonesia and goddess artwork all over the damn place. Not to mention I turned my magazine table into a mini altar, which is home to several Buddhas, a nameless Hindu goddess, Ganesha, Jesus, the Virgin Mary, a "thinker" with a rosary around her/his neck, and an angel reading a book (hee hee).

* After the museum today, I spent several hours with Boyfriend. We had dinner at a Thai restaurant and did a little window shopping, and I got to meet his lovely Aunt and Cousin briefly, but most of the time we just sat in a bookstore reading. I think that's when you know you really love somebody: when you can sit across from them, each doing your own thing, and just be utterly and completely happy to be in their presence. He makes my life so much prettier, he really does.

Gimme A Break

God hasn't blogged since before Christmas. I'm starting to worry about what's keeping Him so busy up there.

Anyway, I don't want to jinx it or anything, but Sister is doing a lot better. She may not even need surgery. So that is good news. This has just been a really rough patch. Mother's Friend nearly had a heart attack and was in the hospital during the same time that Sister was back and forth, and throughout all of this, Sister's Boyfriend is home recovering from his heart surgery. When it rains, it pours. They ain't kidding.

Since yesterday, I've been really ticked off. I'm fortunate enough to have been raised by parents who expected that Sister and I would have careers as adults. I guess decades ago, the plan was for a woman to get married, and then the backup plan was to get a job if marriage didn't happen for her. In my family, it was the reverse. Since Sister shows no interest in a career - at least not at this point - Mother has shrugged her shoulders and said to me, "Maybe she'll just get married then." My mother still reminds me, with a kind of nostalgic longing, that I wanted to be a lawyer when I was in junior high school.

Anyway, we have needed serious babysitting help in the past week (you can imagine). Two of my "aunts" (Mother's Aunt and Mother's Cousin) have graciously provided that help. And while they were at our home, they cleaned it for us. Now, I'll admit, our house is pretty messy. Before Mother had a career, it was always very clean, but now it is just not feasible (or fair) to expect the same type of upkeep now. Most of us do our share but with all the running around everyone has done since Father's accident, the birth of the baby, and the recent hospitalization boom, it hasn't exactly been pristine. So the fact that they cleaned it for us was a nice thing, I suppose. But they had to go and ruin it.

Yesterday Mother told me that while she was picking the baby up from Mother's Cousin's house, M.C., M.A. and Mother's Cousin #2 were all talking about how messy our home is. On top of that, Mother's Cousin #2 (who hasn't bothered with us in a couple of years, and has never once visited my father since his accident) commented that Mother has two grown daughters, and therefore the house should be clean. Mother relayed the story to me as if this was an excellent point. She didn't come out and say it, but I know her. She wanted me to feel ashamed that our apparently slovenly ways are the talk of the family.

I went crazy. You shouldn't push people who are ultra-stressed, you really shouldn't.

I told Mother that the family would do well to remember that Sister and I provide child-care for Kid Sisters, and have for the past five years. It also isn't very nice that they offered to clean up for us and then turned around and talked about us amongst themselves. Then I launched into a monologue (one of my best, I feel) about what a sexist comment it was, and that it offended me that as a daughter I am more responsible for cooking and cleaning than a son would be. I told Mother that I am not aspiring to be a housewife like my aunts are. (I have nothing against housewives, but it should be a choice, not a gender requirement, dammit!) As I stormed downstairs into my room, I yelled, "I have other talents besides washing dishes!"

I suppose I should prioritize better. Say, clean up the house instead of take Sister to the emergency room. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan.

Stupid patriarchy.

Questions and Answers

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18 and find line 4.
"Rachel, Jacob's wife, also finds herself childless, and when she complains to Jacob, he makes it clear that it is God's doing: 'Am I in God's stead, who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the womb?'" (Eve: A Biography by Pamela Norris)

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, what do you find?
Window curtain.

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Excerpts from "Big Love."

4. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
The clock ticking and Kid Sister #2 singing her ABC's upstairs.

5. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
My sisters and I went out for lunch a couple of hours ago.

6. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
Andi's blog.

7. What are you wearing?
My UT sweatshirt that I never take off and jeans.

8. Did you dream last night?
Yes.

9. When did you last laugh?
At the restaurant when a strange man approached Sister and asked her what her t-shirt said. (It said, "Some people say I have a bad attitude. Those people are stupid." I gave it to her :) I told her I would buy her a t-shirt that says, "Stop staring at my fucking chest."

10. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Framed Norman Rockwell prints and photos of the greats (The Marx Bros., the cast of "I Love Lucy", etc.)

11. Seen anything weird lately?
I saw something hilarious a week or so ago. Burger King had a sign up announcing their 'new chicken fries' but the N had fallen off, so it read: EW CHICKEN FRIES.

LMAO.

12. What do you think of this quiz?
Something to keep me awake.

13. What is the last film you saw?
Cinema Paradiso.

14. If you turned a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
A mansion, and I would have a gigantic library in it with international art pieces and funky couches. Boyfriend could have a sportsy section of the house, hee hee.

15. Tell me something about you that I don’t know.
I get really stereotypically girly when I want to unwind: bubble baths, face masks, foot scrubs, scented shower gels and candles.

16. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt and politics, what would you do?
Eliminate suffering.

17. Do you like to dance?
When I'm alone, yes.

18. George Bush.
I dream of having a president who speaks at least as well as my sisters in Pre-K.

19. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
I'm crazy about Shakespearean names like Ophelia and Juliet and Viola. I doubt I would ever really name a child one of those, but since this is hypothetical, what the hell.

20. Imagine your first child is a boy, what would you call him?
I really like Boyfriend's real first name (I call him by his nickname).

21. Would you ever consider living abroad?
Yeah, maybe.

22. What would you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
"I'm sorry."

23. 4 people who must also do this meme.
I'm not into harassment. Go forth and meme.

The Things We Do For Love

Between yesterday and today, Sister and I have been running all over the place. Doctors and pharmacies and all kinds of crazy shit. She went to a doctor today who said that she might not need surgery, but that we wouldn't know for two weeks. The last one told her he would operate as soon as tomorrow. Don't you love it when doctors blatantly contradict each other? Especially when it's important?

Anyway, to take my mind off of this, I want to post about Kid Sisters' birthday party that took place over the weekend.

Firstly, I should show you what Sister and I did when Kid Sisters turned two:

Yeahhhhh. I was Ernie and Sister was Elmo. We sang, we danced, we made one of them (the one pictured) squeal with delight and the other scream in terror.

So, this year, we decided to be Dora the Explorer (Sister) and Clifford the Big Red Dog (me) for their birthday. So what that they were turning five? They'd still buy it, right?

Wrong.

We rehearsed and rehearsed. Sister burned a CD of all the necessary songs (including "Who Let the Dogs Out?" for my entrance) and choreographed our moves. We were feeling pretty excited.

The day of the party came, and we were ready to go:

And despite the fact that the woman who worked at the kiddie party place screwed up our music, and our sisters figured out that we were not the real Dora and Clifford, everyone had a really good time.

What happened was, I came out first and did my thang. Then Sister came out and did hers. We danced together, we gave hugs and high-fives, and we were literally assaulted by children. The bad thing was, we were incredibly sweaty, it was hard to breathe, and we could barely see a thing. I rarely knew a child was going to grab me until she or he did.

I decided that since Clifford only speaks to other dogs (and barks when humans are around), as long as there were no dogs at the party, all I would have to do was bark in order to be accurate. So I did. But Sister does mean impressions, and she did a kick-ass Dora. The problem was, as soon as she got out, "Hola! I'm Dora the Explorer!" Kid Sister #1 said, "Wait a minute.... that sounds like Sister!"

The two of us thought, "Aw crap," at the same time.

Since I was only barking there was no way to know that it was me, but I saw/breathed through Clifford's mouth, which was the part you could see me in if you looked really, really closely. At one point Kid Sister #1 caught a glimpse and yelled out that she suspected it was me in there. She demanded, "Clifford, open your mouth!" to which I barked and vehemently shook my head.

After the party, I asked Kid Sister #2 if she had enjoyed Dora and Clifford. (I suspect she has the same gullibility gene that I have, so I thought I would give it a try.) But Kid Sister #1 had gotten to her first, and she told me that she knew it was Sister and I in the costumes. Damn it. Sister was so disappointed. Afterwards, when everyone was distracted by the cake and had forgotten about us, she turned to me and said, in her best Dora voice, "That was a disaster." I barked.

But the kids and parents enjoyed it anyway :) And the video is fucking hilarious.

Can't Take It

I didn't go after all. Last night I took Sister to the doctor for something and found out that she will most likely need surgery. Like, this week. She should be okay but still. If anything happens to her I will shrivel up and die. I really will.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I have been agonizing over a decision for like a week now. My flight back to Texas is Tuesday morning. I'm going alone; Boyfriend is remaining here with his family for at least another week, if not longer. Every day there's the question of, do I go alone or do I postpone my flight?

It might not seem like a large decision, but it is. Going alone means the likelihood of being lonely (I've never lived or traveled by myself before). Staying at home means the certainty of being stressed, and I think that is probably worse than being alone! So living by myself for a week in a strange city will either be the best or the worst thing for me right now. Best Friend doesn't start her new job until April, so she is thinking about going with me, but there are no certain plans yet.

Every day I get different advice and I feel differently. Some people say to go and enjoy my time alone. Others say to stay and just go out with friends all the time so I'm not at home. My family is too demanding, man. This morning Mother asked me to babysit for about six hours. It was the first time I said no without having some plausible excuse. I just told her that I didn't feel up to it, and she knows about all the pains and dizziness and doctor-making-me-wear-
a-heart-monitor shit, so I figured she would understand. She didn't say that she didn't understand, but it was pretty clear anyway. She got visibly flustered and commented that Kid Sisters #1 and #2 would just watch T.V., implying that watching twin almost-five-years-olds isn't really much work. I was like, "Umm, no, they don't just watch T.V." In the end she got her aunt to come babysit, so I'm not as indispensable as everyone makes it seem. Geez Louise.

I don't like posting things about Mother that cast her in a negative light. She's wonderful, she really is. But I think venting here is better than walking around the house being bitchy, you know?

Today it was warmer than it has been in quite some time, and I laid on the swing in the backyard and read in the sun. It felt soooo good and I was reminded of my deck days in Austin, and I thought, dammit I'm just going to go, alone or not. Even if I am lonely, I can go to museums and libraries and stuff. I'm actually, finally getting a little excited about going back. I think I'm going to go through my bookshelf tonight and pick out another ton of books to lug with me, hee hee.

Girls & Boys

I'm siiiiiiick. That's the thing about living with small children. Whatever they get, they graciously pass on to their big sister. I feel tired and gross, tired and gross! But I still have to babysit the other sickies. I just want to sleep :( I wish we had a maid or a nanny or something. Couldn't I rent one for the day?

I have been thinking a lot about gender roles because of a comment Mother made the other day. Mother, Sister and I were visiting Father, and we heard him tell the nurse how many daughters he has. The nurse then started talking to Mother about it, and Mother said, "Girls are nice. They stay close to home."

I started thinking about how different my life would be if I had been a son rather than a daughter. If Sister had been a brother. Would the two of us be sharing the responsibility of raising our little sisters if we were?

I remember when I was a high school senior, seventeen years old. Mother had given birth to the twins, and she, Father and I were trying to figure out what the child care situation would be. After all, both of my parents worked full-time, and I was going away to college. Mother said, "You could take a year off before going to school and take care of them," and then she laughed, dismissing it as if it were a joke. That could have been the end of it; I doubt my parents would have seriously asked me to do it since they knew how much I was looking forward to college. But I started to think about the dilemma they had, and the fact that I had started school a year early as a child anyway (so I had a year to kill without being behind age-wise), and I told them that I would do it. I wound up doing it for close to two years, off and on in between semesters at two different colleges.

I don't regret it. I think I gained a lot of life experience, and I love that I got to play such a big role in their early development. They are very close to me now. But I can't help but wonder... if I had been a son, would that have even crossed anyone's mind? Or is child care a distinctly feminine responsibility? Theoretically, a man can do it as much as a woman can, but I am not so sure that my parents would have thought, "Hey, let's ask our son to care for the kids full-time instead of going straight to college." Know what I mean?

Telephone Line

I thought this was way cooler for HNT. I mean, seriously. Besides, I was going to blog about talking on the phone anyway.

I had a great conversation with High School Friend tonight. I just got the urge to call her because I wanted to tell her about something specific that excited me, and we wound up talking for over an hour. Now, I am not a phone person by any stretch of the imagination. I think it's genetic. When Father was home, he hated talking on the phone. He never called anyone back. It wasn't that he didn't like people - he's quite extroverted - but for some reason the phone thing didn't jive. Doesn't jive with me either. I don't even answer my house phone anymore; I like the Boo Radley kind of life. I don't like talking about important things over the phone, either. I would rather talk about them in person, or even online! It's weird. So, while my friends call me up occasionally, I don't really talk on the phone all that much.

But, anyway, I called H.S.F. and it was so great to talk to her. Again, she's someone I only talk to in person or online, but it was so nice to just bullshit about all kinds of stuff. And I found myself telling her about some things that had been bothering me, and she made me feel better about them. Kudos to good friends.

*By the way, Sister's Boyfriend is having heart surgery tomorrow. Please send prayers/good vibes his way.

Oh Me, Oh My

What should I do for HNT?

Once Again

<3 Boyfriend is a sweetheart, Boyfriend is a sweetheart <3

Carnival

I'm in the Carnival of Feminists! It's this compendium of feminist blog entries, and they linked to my Sex and the City post (hee hee). I applied once before with some other post, don't remember which, but was rejected :( So I'm happy about being included this time. Woohoo. But go read it. There must be a shitload of good links. I can't wait to go read them myself.

Covenant Woman

I'm going to write a bit about the Da Vinci Code. I'm only going to mention what is fairly well known about the book, so I doubt there will be any spoilers for those who haven't read it. But, if you haven't read it, and don't want to take the chance, don't read this entry. I actually wish I had been surprised about this fact when I read it rather than having heard it from everyone and their mother since the book came out. *Shrug*

I was telling Mother about the book yesterday, and how much I loved it. She exclaimed, "Jesus was God! God can't be married!" Then she sighed and said, "Please don't get so far from your beliefs." It was weird hearing her refer to Christian beliefs as 'my beliefs.' As if I have some claim on them. As if I still believe them the way I used to. How are they my beliefs? Anyway, I kept that question to myself.

To be perfectly honest, I would like Christianity a whole lot better if Jesus was married, and if the Goddess was a part of it. For one thing, a strong female character in the equation would make the religion a bit more palatable to me. Yes, there's the Virgin Mary, but quite frankly, she just reinforces that old idea that women can only be saved through chastity or motherhood. Veteran Seeker made a wonderful point to me when we discussed it the other day. He read somewhere that the Virgin Mary has actually been a negative role model for women to aspire to be like because she is both a virgin and a mother - something real women can never be. More hoops to jump through, ladies.

But a Mary Magdalene who is not a prostitute, who is the mournful widow, who represents the feminine Divine... ahhh I love it.

Taking It Back

Never mind. What was I thinking? Stop writing? I might as well stop breathing.

The last few days have been, emotionally, the worst days I have had in a seriously long time. I knew I shouldn't make any rash decisions - like cutting myself off from the world, both online and in general - until the feelings passed, but what can I say? I'm capricious.

Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. I may have times where I don't post for a while but will keep on truckin. Thanks to those of you who persuaded me not to vanish from cyberspace.

*Sorry for being a total flake. Now you have an idea of what it's like to actually know me in person.

The News

I am considering putting an end to Sojourner's Truths. I will think about it for the next week or so, and will post my final decision when I come to it. But that is the direction I'm leaning in.

Writing here and reading the viewpoints and opinions of others has helped me very much in my dealing with the issues I addressed, and I think the blog has served its purpose. I feel that it is superfluous now.

No, I haven't figured out my spirituality. I doubt that I ever will. Maybe I'll get closer but I'll never 'get it.' (Does anyone?) So I don't see the point. But thanks to those of you who have been faithful and read my blog religiously (hee hee). It has meant a lot to me.

Rant & Roar

Dena is a gifted writer, and I always admire her forthrightness and brutal honesty. If you're religious, don't read it. Take my word on this one.

Lost Woman

I finally read the Da Vinci Code, and ... oh man. First of all, that was the best book to follow up with after my reading on the sacred feminine. Second of all, wow! It definitely lived up to the hype. I haven't sped through a book that fast in a long time. I would have finished it faster if I didn't have to do other things, like eat and sleep.