Saturday, April 07, 2007

Okay, so it's Easter weekend and I've got a lot to say. Firstly, I have been scrambling to find a copy of "The Passion of the Christ." I am aware that Mel Gibson is a creepy fuck and that the movie is graphic (which I HATE) but I need to see that movie this weekend. I watched it last Easter and the Easter before; it has become a ritual, and something within me is screaming that if I don't watch it this weekend, I will be very upset. I need the emotional experience that comes with watching it, that's what I need. Anyway, I found a channel that's playing it so I'll go watch it in an hour or so, actually.

I have been having email discussions with an aunt of mine about spirituality. Why did I approach her with this? Because I've needed to talk, and I wanted to talk to someone who knew me as a child and who knows where I come from and who comes from the same Christian tradition (not Catholic, not Methodist, but just... us). I was brutally honest with her and she was brutally honest with me in return. I did not want to hear everything she had to say; for example, she thinks I need to change my attitude and that I need to become more mature. I thought that wasn't very nice, calling me immature because I disagree with her views, but she said that if I am blaming everything on God, then it is an issue of maturity. Perhaps she has a point. I don't think I blame everything on God ... I don't raise fists of rage at him when it rains or when my car dies or when I fail at something. But I suppose that's what you get for being completely honest, open and vulnerable. I guess it is only because she loves me that she said these things to me.

"God didn't hit your dad with the car. A man did."

Perhaps I needed to hear that, sure. I'll give her that.

Anyway, I am not sure why it being Easter makes such a big difference to me. I don't know what is going on inside me spiritually, but it is something big, I can tell. Maybe it will result in nothing - I cannot possibly see it resulting in a return to anything even vaguely resembling what I have run from screaming. But we shall see.

Interestingly enough, she ended her email with the following:

"If I said anything that comes across offensive, it was not meant to be.
You sound so much like me."

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