My Favorite Mistake

Halloween is an evil holiday. Especially when you have small siblings who go trick-or-treating, and you're on a diet. Hmph.

Happy Halloween anyway...

Little Too Early

I was reading this interesting article on feminism, and it made me want to recount this little anecdote:

Yesterday, I was in the HC lounge with Mr. Dirty Jokes and others, just before class. I had a stack of copies of our feminist magazine with me, and he wanted to read one. He read my poem and then he said, "I always thought that God was a woman. That's the only thing that makes sense." When asked to elaborate on why, he said, "Think about any relationship you have. With your mother, with your friends, with your boyfriend/girlfriend... In every single one of those situations, the woman is always in control. It doesn't matter what's going on, the woman has the power." I think that is one of the best things I have ever heard anyone say, hehe. Then he pointed to me and said to someone else, "See? We're not even together and yet I'm waiting for her to go to class." Too funny.

This morning I woke up at 7:30 (Seven thirty!) in order to go to aerobics class. The alarm woke me up, and I decided that maybe being healthy was overrated and I didn't want to go so badly after all, but after lying in bed for another ten or fifteen minutes, I was like, whatever, I'm up already. So I went. Now, I have taken several aerobics classes before, and it was never too difficult for me. This morning, however, I had a different instructor, and oh... my... goodness. I'm still in pain. Usually after a class, you feel really good and energetic and glad that you went through all that. After this one, I had to scrape myself off the floor, and I didn't have any of those good feelings. I was totally drenched. Gross. From now on, I'm going to do aerobics during the week with the other instructors, at least until I can handle that kind of intensity. Gee whiz!

I also went to the eye doctor today. That's always fun. I feel like a failure whenever I go. "Read the smallest line you can." I can't read any of those lines. I don't even have a strong prescription, either, but I feel like I'm flunking a test with those damn letters/numbers/ God-knows-what-else-they-throw-in-there. Then I stress the doctor out because I can't help but blink when she stabs me in the eye with that damn thing. She sounded quite exasperated when she told me, "Okay, you're moving back again." That's because you're coming at me with a sharp object again. Listen, Doc, I don't know how you react when you're being gouged in the eye, but I hope to avoid the whole Oedipus Rex look, okay?

The Girl Who Does Yoga

Oh my gosh. It's Friday? I completely missed HNT, didn't I? Wow. Midterm season really throws everything out of whack. My apologies.

I got out of class early today and I'm in the HC lounge at school. I have two choices: I could either sit here and blog, or I could go to the gym. Considering that I went yesterday and I'm going tomorrow morning, I think I'll stay here. There's no need to overdo anything, you know.

It's totally empty. Perhaps because it's Friday and other people have actual plans. I could have had plans, I just choose not to. (That's something losers say, isn't it?) Actually, I'm going to visit Father tonight so I can redeem myself for being the firstborn from hell.

Last night I went to my very first yoga class. It was an hour and a half long, and I just loved it. You gotta love being in college and getting everything for free. Speaking of which, let me backtrack to earlier in the day. I went to see the campus nutritionist yesterday, and that went well too. Planning to go see her every other week. Accountability is good for someone like me. I have only seen her once before, last April, when I first became a vegetarian. Yesterday, she told me the same thing she told me then: "You're not eating enough." Sweetheart, if I wasn't eating enough, I wouldn't be here. I knew that I had to show you a list of everything I ate in the past few days, so I was afraid to eat anything! Regardless, she was very helpful and I am pretty excited about the whole thing.

Yoga was so great, I cannot tell you. The lights were low, the music played, and it was both strenuous and relaxing at the same time. It was pretty funny, though, because the whole CD was full of yoga-y songs with the sitar and all that, and then the last track sounded like Kenny G or something. I was lying on my mat, eyes closed, palms up to receive tranquility, thinking "What the...?" At the end of the class, the instructor read a Buddhist verse that said to treat all people with respect because in the cycles of birth, death and rebirth, everyone has been your mother at some point, and she laughed out loud. She said that was the first time one of them had ever made her laugh.

I'm so glad the weekend is here. Mine will be filled with an early morning aerobics class, picking out new glasses, dinner with friends, and probably a lot of reading. Oh, and watching the last hour and a half of that four-hour PBS miniseries on Henry VIII's wives (soooo good man).

Instant Karma

Does anyone believe in karma?? I do.

Today I had no classes but I went to school anyway because the English department was giving a talk on graduate schools and programs, and I wanted to hear it. It was pretty good, an hour of hearing about how professors got their M.F.A.'s in Creative Writing and Ph.D.'s in Literature, as well as a Poli Sci guy talk about law school. Very informative.

Afterwards, I had planned to go to the gym but I accidentally left my sneakers at home. Because of that, I realized that I had some extra time, and I knew that I should go visit Father. I knew that I should, but as I was leaving campus, I couldn't bring myself to get in the right lane. I told myself, "You are a bad daughter" as I made that left turn. I really am. I let him lay there, lonely, because I can't bear to see him in the state he's in. Real nice. I think I deserve a good swift kick in the ass.

I decided to go to the health food store to cheer myself up. Fellow Ambassador told me that the gourmet chef who worked there made great food. Besides, I had been there before and they sell incense and soy products and play nothing but very late Beatles music (you know, when they had the long hair and beards and played on rooftops), so it seemed like a good idea to get me out of my funk. I parked at a meter outside, paid my dues, and went in.

When I came out I had a $115 ticket because I didn't notice that there was a No Standing, 4:00-7:00 p.m., Monday - Friday sign. I deserved this. The gods are laughing.

Write One for Me

I'm drowning in poetry. Tomorrow is my Modern English Poetry midterm and I have been immersed in Yeats, Eliot, Auden and company all weekend. Yesterday, I was sitting on my bed working, when I was reminded of one of the first poems I ever wrote. My fifth grade teacher made us all write limericks. This is what I wrote:

There once was a girl named Tess
Who really loved to play chess.
She bought a Happy Meal,
The french fries were stale,
And she got ketchup all over her new dress.

(Evidence of just how indoctrinated my generation was. Morgan Spurlock would've been all over that.)

Now, I was aware that "meal" and "stale" didn't rhyme, but I was pretty shifty and when reading it aloud, I pronounced it in such a way that they did rhyme. The teacher liked it but then she asked me to repeat the last words of each line so everyone could see how the rhyme scheme worked. My cover was blown. Dammit.

My poetry has improved since then. A little. Not much, hehe. Actually, I come up with some good stuff sometimes but it's only the intensely personal stuff, and consequently, the only poetry anyone has ever read by me is complete and utter crap. Today I e-mailed three poems to Fellow #8, who will be known as Editor-In-Chief from now on because it's less confusing. She's the E.I.C. of the women's magazine that I also work on, and a good friend of mine. I know I've mentioned her before. Anyway, I sent her three poems for our upcoming December issue, and two of them were about my father's accident. I mean, per-so-nal. But I figured, whatever, it's art, and it's not like people don't know what happened anyway. (I recently found out that the President of the college alluded to it in her Convocation speech, only she didn't use my name.) She e-mailed me back and said that the one that I was most hesitant about sending got her all choked up. I guess you have to be true to yourself in order to produce art that's of any value. That, and you can't be afraid to let people see it, to be vulnerable. Or something like that.

Okay, back to my books and cup o' decaf.

Tomorrow Never Knows

Buon giorno tutti. I just came in from a Sunday morning run. No, really, I did. Probably not the smartest idea since: a) it's cold outside, b) I ran by the water, which means it was even colder, and c) I'm not a good runner. But, it was one of those days when you want to do something vigorous, and crunches or walking is just not enough. So, the Flat Foot Wonder ran, jogged, and walked in the company of seagulls.

Today is the day to really start the Diet/Nutrition/Exercise thing. Really, I'm serious this time. Stop looking at me like that. Updates to come.

I was reading an article this morning about college graduates taking time off before grad school/careers (this one). This came at an interesting time since I have been researching grad school programs lately. I wonder if I should take time off before going. The heads of my fellowship program encourage us to do that, actually. The thing is, what would I do? I have worked in community development and educational publishing, but I don't think either is for me. I really dig the academia thing. At the same time, however, school-upon-school- upon-school seems daunting, and I'm not entirely positive about what I want to focus on. I'm fairly serious about American literature, but I would like to be 1000% sure before I lock into a graduate degree.

I was also thinking about my family attachments and their bearing on my future plans. Best Friend is leaving soon for Argentina. She and her older sister are going to live there for about three months, but if they like it, they might stay longer. Can you imagine just picking up and leaving like that? People my age do it all the time. They do it for college and they do it afterwards. I have spoken to former fellows and students who joined the Peace Corps, got prestigious scholarships/fellowships, or just left to do whatever they wanted. I can't imagine leaving my family for an extended period of time. They need me. I'm not saying that in a megalomaniacal way... obviously they would survive if I was to leave. My being here makes it easier for them, though.

Some days I dream about just picking up and going somewhere for a semester, or working in another city after I graduate, but I feel guilty entertaining those notions. Sometimes I envy people who are able to just go. But is that what I really want to do? Would I be happy if I did it, or would I miss them terribly? Maybe both. Who knows. I am supposed to work overseas for two months this summer, so I guess I will have the opportunity to find out.

Strong Enough

We read a poem by Samuel Beckett in class today:

"Ooftish"

offer it up plank it down
Golgotha was only the potegg
cancer angina it is all one to us
cough up your T.B. don't be stingy
no trifle is too trifling not even a thrombus
anything venereal is especially welcome
that old toga in the mothballs
don't be sentimental you won't be wanting it again
send it along we'll put it in the pot with the rest
with your love requited and unrequited
the things taken too late the things taken too soon
the spirit aching bullock's scrotum
you won't cure it you won't endure it
it is you it equals you any fool has to pity you
so parcel up the whole issue and send it along
the whole misery diagnosed undiagnosed misdiagnosed
get your friends to do the same we'll make use of it
we'll make sense of it we'll put it in the pot with the rest
it all boils down to blood of lamb

Beckett is mocking faith. He's being sarcastic about the way in which religious people tell you to endure suffering because something positive will come of it, as well as those who advise you to turn to God when you suffer. He's saying, "Sure, bring your cancer and all your other problems, we'll compile them all together and give them to God, ha!"

Nasty, no doubt. But it makes you think. At least, it made me think. People always do say that the purpose of suffering is to test us, to make us stronger. But what about those of us who buckle underneath the weight of it?

Savoy Truffle

A couple of days ago was my 6-month anniversary of being a vegetarian. I can't help but think that I should be a lot thinner by now.

Boyfriend and I decided to do the whole get-in-shape thing together. I started off really well when I got back from TX, but today I worked as an Ambassador for the President's Convocation, and... there were cookies. As B. so lovingly put it, I am a Cookie Monster.



But, tomorrow is another day.

I enjoy being an Ambassador. Sure, you have to do stupid things like hand out programs and give directions, and my friends make fun of the shirt and nametag I have to wear, but I get paid for relatively simple work and I get to hang out with the other Ambassadors. And there are cookies.

Today I got to know Fellow Ambassador a little bit better. See, there were four of us but we split into groups of two and she was the one I worked with. Turns out she's also a vegetarian and is also into spirituality and religious philosophy and all that stuff. She went on and on about auras and pranic energy. By the end of our conversation, she told me that she and a bunch of her vegetarian, spiritual friends get together on weekends just to hang out and share organic food and stuff. She invited me to go. Woohoo.

I Forgot to Remember to Forget

I totally forgot it was HNT! Yikes. Good thing I had this old picture saved. Sister took it of me God knows how long ago. So here :)

Blinded By The Light

On Sunday night I dreamt that I was back at the Christian college I went to a few years ago. I was sitting in Mentor's class (he was my professor back then) and he asked me to read a passage from the Bible. I tried to read it but stumbled over every word because apparently I was losing my eyesight. I was wearing my glasses but it was so blurry that I couldn't read it.

I told Mother about the dream. She didn't seem to think anything of it until I mentioned the whole Bible part. Then she said, "Oooooh, really? What could that mean? Spiritual blindness? Maybe you're ready to come back to the fold..." I snorted.

Is that what the dream meant? Was it some latent fear I have of losing my religion that manifested?

Anyway, I returned to school today. My first class was the Americana course with Professor G. Guy Who Sits Behind Me made a comment that I felt obligated to respond to. While discussing the characters in the novel we're reading, he said, "Men are more open-minded than women are. That's not a sexist comment or anything, I'm just saying..." Excuse me? What? I was going to just let it go because it's a class of only six of us (the crappy HC remnant) and he's a nice guy and I didn't want to fight. But as he finished his comment, I realized that letting that just slip by would so not be me. So, when he was done, I raised my hand and Professor G. grinned at me. He told G.W.S.B.M., "Now let's let your classmates respond, because I have a feeling they will want to." I said, "First of all, men are not more open-minded than women are. That is a sexist comment, and it's offensive." Mr. Dirty Jokes, who sits next to me, said, "That's very close-minded of you," which made everyone laugh. G.W.S.B.M. and I later began to speak at the same time, and we each told the other to go first. He said, "So you can rip apart everything I say?" But he said it with a laugh, so I know he wasn't serious.

Trip Hoppin'

I'm home. Feeling so torn right now. When my plane was taking off this morning, I was close to tears. When it was landing, I had a huge smile on my face. Very glad to be home and with my fam again, but miss Boyfriend already. It will be a month until I see him next. *Sigh*

I am running on two hours of sleep at this point. Fell asleep at around 2:00 a.m. and had to wake up at 4:00 in order to catch my 6:45 flight. It was a crazy morning. The cab we had ordered for 5:10 didn't come until around 5:35, which got me worried. The cab driver was a cool guy, though. He asked where I'm from, and when I told him, he guessed that I must be Irish. When Boyfriend informed him that I'm also half Italian, he said, "Parli italiano?" ("Do you speak Italian?") I said, "Sì. Un poco." ("Yes. A little.") Then he said, "Let me try to remember how to say this: Io vivo in Italia per due anni." ("I live[d] in Italy for two years.") It was pretty cool.

I got to the airport and forgot that I had four quarters in the pocket of my jeans. I tried to go through the metal detectors twice and since it beeped both times, they made me stand to the side and wait for someone to come over and officially inspect me. I was supposed to be boarding at that time, so I was freaking out a little bit. The woman who came over used that hand-held thing and even after I took the change out of my pockets, the underwire of my bra was setting it off. Geez Louise. I got to the gate just in time to board.

When I got off the plane and left the airport to wait for my ride, I couldn't believe how chilly it was. I had just been wearing tank tops a couple of days ago and now my sweatshirt wasn't sufficient. One of my mother's friends picked me up and when I got in the car, asked me, "So, do you miss him yet?" to which I answered in the affirmative.

I'm a zombie right now. Have done a little unpacking and have doled out the family gifts, but am so damn tired that I can't do another thing. Tomorrow is going to be fun: it's Read-Pages-And-Pages-
And-Write-The-Paper-You-Were-Supposed-To-Have-Written-
Already-You-Lazy-Fuck-Day.

Still, my trip was wonderful with a capital W and I will write more about it when I'm well rested.

Panther Power

Happy HNT. It's Boyfriend's tattoo. How hot is that? :P

Almost Over

I have four days left here. Feeling quite crappy about having to go home, even though I really miss my family and friends. LDR's suck, in case you were wondering... but if the person is worth it, then it doesn't matter.

Anyway, since list form is easier and seems to work so well, here are some other things I have done:

• Went to a few funky, artsy stores that contained items from countries such as Bangladesh, Nepal, Mexico, Peru, Indonesia, Turkey, Brazil, Chile, India, China, Colombia, etc. Bought a small lamp that was made in Thailand, an incense holder with a Buddha on it (and plenty of incense), a Mexican skeletal figure (Day of the Dead), and some gifts for family.

• Went shopping at the mall. Boyfriend bought me a Beatles Rubber Soul t-shirt when I wasn't paying attention. Got a strip of goofy photo booth pictures. Yeah, he's a good sport.

• Threw off my sleeping schedule. It has become the norm to begin the day at around noon and go to sleep in the wee small hours of the morning. For example, at about 1:00 a.m. today, after enjoying a scintillating episode of Sex and the City, we went to a cafe and had breakfast. Nothing like French toast in the middle of the night.

• Have not done enough of my work. In fact, I'm supposed to be doing it right now, since he's in class anyway.
  

• Finally began taking pictures. It took me long enough.

• Allowed Boyfriend to spoil me silly. He even cooks for me! According to him, since this is my vacation, I should sleep as much as I want and eat as much as I want (his words, not mine, I swear). I need to hit the gym when I get home, and hit it hard. By the way, we ate at a Thai restaurant earlier today and they had so many incredible statues. There was one right at our table so I took a picture of it to share with you.

Fun, Fun, Fun

Still down South, y'all :) Having such a great time. Here are some things I have done in the past week:

• Went to a used bookstore... bought Ceremony by Leslie Marmon Silko and I Don't Need You Any More by Arthur Miller.

• Finished reading In Cold Blood by Truman Capote (for class)... it made me cry. Excellent excellent excellent. Can't wait until the movie "Capote" hits more theaters.
  

• Had way more fried food than I should have... I rarely eat it, but yesterday Boyfriend and I had an appetizer sampler that came with fried cheese, fried pickles, and fried macaroni and cheese (which I didn't know existed)... oh, my arteries.

• Went to the coolest bar ever... twice... they have a stage with two pianos on it and the entire night is one massive singalong. The musicians play everything from Nirvana to Billy Joel to Journey to Fountains of Wayne to songs like "All My Ex's Live in Texas," or what they call "Redneck shit." They also bring people up to humiliate because it's their birthday or bachelorette party or whatever.
  

• Saw "Ben Franklin: Unplugged," a really funny one-man show by Josh Kornbluth.
  

• Went shopping... Boyfriend found me a t-shirt that says V is for Vegetarian and we got it for only $3.20.

• Sent my friends some goofy postcards.

Hands

Happy HNT everyone. This week you get an eyeful of Boyfriend and I holding hands. Sappy, I know, but you love it.

Southern State

Day 5 of my trip down south to Texas. I have never been here before (because it's so far from where I live and I had never flown before) so it's really exciting. I rode the bus yesterday for only fifty cents. It's unreal.

Seriously, though, it has been a lot of fun. We have done a lot of bumming around and being lazy (I love that I can actually do that here, because I sure as hell can't do it at home!) but we have also gone out. Yesterday we went to a Mexican art museum (the picture above is The Runners by Fidencio Duran). The art was lovely and the stuff in the gift shop was so cool. There were a ton of skeleton figures for El Dia De Los Muertos (the Day of the Dead). It's fun, there's Spanish everywhere and I'm starting to remember it from high school :)

We also went to the mall and saw "Oliver Twist." It was pretty good, although it was over two hours long, and after a while, movie seats hurt my butt. But Dickens is worth it. Dickens was the man.

Fellow Seeker is reading The Anatomy of Melancholy by Robert Burton. Yesterday he sent me lines of poetry from it via text message:

All my joys to this are folly, naught so sweet as melancholy.

All my griefs to this are jolly, none so damned as melancholy.

No torment is so bad as love, so bitter to my soul can prove.

Learn to Fly

I'm alive! That's always a good thing :)

Flying for the first time was absolutely nothing compared to what I had built it up to be in my mind. I didn't even need to medicate myself to get through it. One beer at the airport was sufficient. I wasn't even nervous during takeoff or anything. Feeling quite proud of myself right now.

When we landed and were allowed to put our cell phones back on, I received a message from a fairly drunken Fellow Seeker (it was Friday night, after all) saying that he hopes Shekinah will bear me safely there. (That is a joke we have. Shekinah is the Jewish word for the feminine face of God.) He is too funny. He told me before I left that he made a deal with God. If God kept me safe, F.S. would become straight. I was sorry to have to be the one to remind him that God knew he was lying.

It is so good to be with Boyfriend again. I haven't seen much yet (except during the drive home from the airport) because I've been really lazy and tired, but I will soon. And, as you can see, I brought my laptop, so you are not deprived of me for the duration ;)