Tomorrow I am flying home to say goodbye to my father, who passed away suddenly and unexpectedly this morning. He was 47 years old.

Things That Make Me Happy: Hearing "Don't Pass Me By" in Random Coffeehouse

I found a lovely quote in a novel this morning:

"[...] he pitched the prince headlong into the mysteries of men and gods, thrusting his mind into darkness in order that he find his own way back to light."

More spiritual posts to come; I am thinking and feeling a lot these days.

How sad to learn that you have made your sister angry by discovering that you are no longer on her Top Friends list on MySpace.

Green tea experiment not going so well. Yesterday I had hot chocolate and today I'm having English breakfast tea. I think that I am trying to cut back on too many things at once. I like green tea for filler when I don't feel like water, but not for my main morning beverage. Every time I tried to make myself drink it, I was like, "What am I, a monk?" So it didn't really work.

I am still monitoring sugar intake and not going over my limit so who cares if I have a cup of (real) tea? I am sticking with what works for a while.

A nutritionist once told me that you can have more than your daily allotment of dairy if you are consuming low-calorie and fat-free dairy products, which I mainly do.

Aside: I miss college - the days when you could see a nutritionist on campus for free, take aerobics and yoga classes for free, and your parents still paid for your health insurance.

Losing weight is not always a good thing. It's a good thing when you go down to a new size. It's a bad thing when you lose just enough weight for your pants to fall off in an obscene manner but you still cannot fit into a size smaller. Welcome to my life.

I am constantly finding things on the Web that piss me off. This is another one of them:

Salon.com: A new form of BYOB

Fast-forward to 2008, and check out this latest online game soaring in popularity with British and French preteens: Miss Bimbo. Trust me when I say it's no Oregon Trail.

Instead, girls adopt their own "bimbos" (which look sort of like anime characters) and compete to become the "hottest, coolest, most famous bimbo ever!" And how does one do such things? Well, first you have to find a cool place to live and a "fun job to pay for your needs and all the clothes a bimbo could possibly want." Then you should probably "become a socialite and skyrocket to the top of fame and popularity" and date a "famous hottie." But everyone knows that hotties don't like fat girls, so make sure to keep your weight down, and even consider "resort[ing] to meds or plastic surgery" as you "stop at nothing to become the reigning bimbo!"

[...] a group of parents and healthcare experts are condemning the game, which pushes girls to provide their characters with diet pills and get boob jobs [...].

I can't believe that people actually create this stuff and market it to children. It is really sick.

To which the game's founders, Nicholas Jacquart and Chris Evans, basically say, "Lighten up!" "It is not a bad influence for children," Jacquart is quoted as saying. "They learn to take care of their bimbos. The missions and goals for the bimbos are morally sound and teach children about the real world." Wait, wait, it gets better: "If they eat too much chocolate in the game, it is bad for their bimbos' bodies and their happiness levels compared to if they eat fruit and vegetables, which reinforces positive healthy messages."

Note that the game's founders are both men. Also, if the game is meant to promote good health:

a) Why is it pro-plastic surgery?
b) Why does it say that "hotties don't like fat girls"?

Level 7: "After you broke up with your boyfriend you went on an eating binge! Now it's time to diet ... your target weight is less than 132 lbs."

Level 9: "Have a nip and tuck operation for a brand new face. You've found work as a plus-size model. To gain those vivacious curves, you need to weigh more than 154 lbs."

Level 11: "Bigger is better! Have a breast operation."

Things That Make Me Happy: Bob Dylan

I noticed that I am consuming more dairy than I should. You are supposed to have 2-3 servings a day but if I have milk in my cereal, half and half in my tea and cheese in my eggs, I'm done by breakfast time. As a serious cheese lover, this is tough. Boyfriend pointed out to me that my hot beverages (tea or the occasional coffee) hit me in both of my weak areas - dairy and sugar. He is totally right, so this week I am experimenting - trying to have only (black) green tea all week. I drink green tea, but always as a seconds or thirds to my English breakfast tea. Let's just see if this works.

I am going to be so healthy by the end of this, man.

I am also trying to go veg again, but it's going slowly. We have succeeded in getting rid of meat in the house, hence in our lunches and dinners, but we barbecued with friends on Saturday and shared a steak. I am hoping to work my way back to the light (since Bro says I returned to the meat-eating dark side).

Boss just asked me what Jesus did on Easter Monday. "I dunno," I shrugged. "What? You're like the resident Christian here," he answered. This was news to me since I am: a) not technically a Christian and b) we have a minister on staff. "Uh, I'm, uh, not.." I answered. "You're not?" he asked, pondering this. Then, remembering my answer to his initial question, said, "Apparently not."

It might be due to something I published in the local paper that was circulated around the office, but that was a while ago and I guess it was misconstrued.

Yesterday Boyfriend and I got rear-ended in a parking lot. We pulled in and I was going to take a spot right in front of us but noticed it was for 30-minute customers only. I decided to back up a bit so I could clear it, but upon looking in my rearview mirror I saw that a parked car on the other side was backing out, so I waited without moving. I soon realized that he was going way too fast and getting way too close, but by the time I could beep him, he hit us. There wasn't any kind of terrible damage, just cosmetic, but Boyfriend and I had sore necks all day. We let him go since it wasn't bad, though I have his phone number in case a terrible injury erupts. He was like, "Oh sorry! I thought you had driven past already." That's why you look behind you when you back up, asshole. If a small child had walked out behind the car he could have killed it.

Guaca-what?

I made vegetarian beef quesadillas, and they actually came out really good! That's not a Flickr photo I stole; those are mine! I also made the guacamole from scratch.

Half of that plate - which is all you can really fit into your stomach at one time - is under 400 calories.

I am feeling quite proud of myself right now.

Bigfoot

I calculated my ecological footprint via MyFootprint.org, and though I use up 8 acres less than the average American, if everyone lived like me, "we would need 3.7 planets."

Yikes.

*This is including the fact that I have made my way back to semi-vegetarianism in the last week.

They are doing maintenance in my office building that required them to pretty much tear out my cube and desk and all the ceiling above it. They were supposed to be finished by afternoon so I worked from home and went in at about 1:00, but it was a disaster when I got there, so I had tea with Friend From Work and then they sent me home.

Everyone should be able to work from home nowadays. Think of the reduction in overhead costs! Think of all the pajama combinations I can wear! Think of how much I'll save on gas!

I lost my knitting knack for a while there, having forgotten how after Artsy Friend's lesson ended :P I got it back the other day and now I am unstoppable. Crappy birthday presents for friends and family, here I come.

I went clothes shopping last night and didn't cry. I would say that indicates serious growth on my part. I picked up some really cute stuff too! Look out, world.

So Boyfriend packs my lunches, right? You all already know that I am a third grader, yes? Okay, today he gives me banana slices with peanut butter and Nutella.

...Do you see why I love the man so much?

Things That Make Me Happy: Tea

I belong to a Yahoo! group for healthy recipes. It is pretty useful; I get the digest emails filled with different recipes, many of which I would like to try. The thing that annoys me, however, is this one user in the group who posts only hummus recipes. Not only that, but she is excessive. Who ever heard of peanut butter hummus? The list goes on and on.

Hello, welcome to Monday back at work.

I saw a roadrunner myself this morning. They are funky looking creatures.

*This was not taken by me. I was too startled and s/he moved too fast.

It is very strange to listen to people discuss how good or bad medication is when they have no experience with it. Should there be a law that people who are not affected by something have no say in its regulation? Would certainly make the abortion and assisted suicide debates interesting.

Bro left today, a bit earlier than he wanted to due to crappy flight issues. We had fun in the short time he was here, though. He and I went to the Texas History Museum together and caught some SXSW action. We also went up to Mount Bonnell one night with Boyfriend. I had to work on Thursday but took off Wednesday and today, so we had much more time to spend together than we otherwise would have.


I cannot believe that I have a whole weekend ahead of me! :) CL Friend and her husband want to have dinner with us tomorrow night, and I am having coffee with new Feminist Friend on Sunday, but other than that, it's just reading, writing, working out and relaxing.

I didn't mention Feminist Friend, did I? She is totally cool. I belong to the local feminism online group she started, and she just joined my local writing group, so we met up last weekend. It was one of those first meetings where you click like you are old friends - I had a great time. One can never have too many feminist friends, you know.

Quote of the Week

From a company-wide email sent by Friend From Work #2:

The Visitor Log at the front desk is really for our visitors and I am keeping it filed in case of an audit.

Please refrain from writing in names such as Seymour Butts.

I got a raise! It was so unexpected, especially since I just got one in September. Yesterday morning, however, I completed a fairly complex project and all of the executives were really pleased with it. That afternoon my boss gave me a raise. He just decided to that day based on my project. I was shocked!

I'm really happy because I was worried about my health insurance. This is the first year I will be insuring myself through my company rather than being insured through my parents (as a student), and boy, is it expensive. Now I feel a bit more relaxed.

I also feel pretty valued there. Yay :)

A Family Affair

I feel good today! 10 hours of sleep, a homemade breakfast and it being Friday will do that to you.

I think that I am in a state of grief over my family. Not just my immediate family - though they are included - but grandparents I don't talk to, ancestors who did horrible things. It has been hard for me to face my family history. I know that people aren't perfect but the darkness in our collective past would horrify most normal people.

I have been addressing this through my writing, which has helped. I have reforged a relationship with Cool Aunt, whom I idolized as a child, which helps me cope with the superficiality of my relationship with Mother. I have researched genealogy to try and understand these people I come from, and why they did the things they did.

I know I wrote once about trying to contact my maternal grandfather. Since there was no answer to my email, I could assume he never received it, until I received a voice mail message from another Aunt, the only one in the family in touch with him. "Your grandfather told me you wrote to him," she said. "Don't take it personally, he has his moods."

My former therapist, who admittedly was not the right person for me, did say something once that has remained with me. She said that these relatives are broken people and they simply cannot forge relationships because of all that they have been through. This makes sense. It still hurts sometimes, so that's why I write.

The other night I had a dream that Cool Aunt and I went to visit my grandfather. He was standoffish at first, as expected, but he warmed to us. In the dream, he was younger-looking and very handsome. He would let me hang around with him and sneak smiles and conspiratorial winks at me.

I told Cool Aunt about the dream and she said, "I don't want to know my father. He is a horrible man."

I don't know why I am writing all this, except to continue the healing process. That dream was so real and so meaningful for me, and I would venture a guess that my grandfather represents every relative who is too broken to be mine. They are mine only in my dreams.

Things That Make Me Happy: Middle Eastern Food

There are men banging the top of a ladder against my window. It is creeping me out.

I think they're window washers, as I received a company-wide email concerning this, but really - freaky.

In other news, I have lowered my rate of sugar consumption substantially. Just to give you an idea of how your body adjusts to such things: Last week, I had a piece of cake on Monday evening. It was a colossal slice of Red Velvet cake, and wouldn't even say I ate 1/3 of it. That would be generous. Maybe 1/4? Each bite was so sweet I had to chug water. Then I just pushed it away. On Friday afternoon we had Cake Day in the office. I had one small slice of cake - ONE! - and wanted to puke all afternoon.

I am also completely 100% done with coffee because I realize that I need a ton of half and half and sugar to make it taste good. If I only put two sugars in, it is bitter, so I'm like what's the point? Now I drink tea with a bit of half and half and 1 sugar, and I like it just fine.

Today Boyfriend sent a yogurt in with me to supplement my lunch. I never knew before that I should only be having 40-50 grams of sugar a day, but I know now. The yogurt - one little yogurt! - contains 27 grams of sugar. Geez Louise, like I'm gonna waste more than half my daily sugar on yogurt, which I don't even really like?

This morning and yesterday morning I have had wicked cravings for orange juice, which is probably me missing sugar. I rarely drink orange juice so that seems the only rational explanation. But 22 grams of sugar in 1 cup - no thanks.

I know I sound psychotic but my maternal grandmother is going into the hospital for end-stage renal failure. Her kidneys are shot to hell from... what? Diabetes. That runs in our family.

The Office

Scene: The Kitchen

Sales Guy looks at the "I Voted!" sticker on my shirt.

SG: Well, I see you have already voted this morning. Are you going to do the caucus this evening?
Sojourness: Yes.
CEO: I bet a million dollars you voted for Hillary.
SG: I would also bet a million dollars that you voted for Hillary.
Sojourness, aghast: What? Why do you say that?
CEO: I've read your blog.
SG: New York.
CEO: We can read you like a cheap novel.