Things I Learned This Week

*Just because it's 90 degrees one day doesn't mean it won't approach freezing the next.

*It is possible to lower your threshold for sugar consumption.

*I am quotable.

*If I wait too long to blog "what I learned this week," I will inevitably forget the one thing I learned that caused me to write the post in the first place.

A Recent Conversation

Bro: It's been 10 years.
Soj: you and me?
Bro: Duh.
Soj: wow
Bro: Yep.
Bro: And you stuck around.
Bro: You psycho.

Bro is coming to visit us in two weeks! Yayyyyyy.

I am happy -- I found a blog full of C.S. Lewis quotes. Not just generic ones either; this blogger is hardcore, going into his letters to friends and such. Anyway, it cheered me up a bit. That and listening to Christian music from my childhood and teen years at work.

Am I weird or what?

Every time I get really badly depressed I retreat into religion. I just do. Although I still think much of it is a crock of ---- I miss the idea that there is a loving God out there. That Its love permeates the universe and falls on undeserving me. (My sense of self-esteem fits in with the self-deprecating, acknowledged sinner ideal quite nicely; perhaps being raised in such a religious environment fostered it in me.)

Christian books and music lift my spirits in a way that other things just don't. They take me back to a time when I believed, whole-heartedly, that regardless of the pain, there was joy and love and hope on the other side of it. That there was a reason for it and that nothing was in vain. Nowadays it feels like a lot is in vain.

Meep Meep

There are roadrunners outside of my office building.


I love Texas.

Went to the doctor, lost another pound and a half. Yipee. At this rate I will be slim by menopause.

And that's all she wrote.

I am kind of a pathetic person because I took the day off today and even though I went to the doctor and took a final exam, it still totally rocked. I didn't go to work! (It takes little to make me happy.)

I would like to inform you all that today's exam was my very last one. I am technically now a graduate with a bachelor's degree, though I will have to wait until credit transfers and probably May 2008 to fully come into the title.


NO MORE PENCILS, NO MORE BOOKS, NO MORE TEACHERS' DIRTY LOOKS!

I am celebrating my accomplishment with a can of seltzer and a raspberry coconut tart. Mmmmmm.

Things That Make Me Happy: Google Reader

I probably shouldn't pimp Google as much as I do because corporations are bad and Lord knows they know more about me than anyone should, but darn it, I love their software. Not only do I live on Gmail and Google Docs but now I have every blog/website I ever wanted to read delivered to me 24/7.

*Sigh*

Things That Make Me Happy: Chagall

I had a beautiful Valentine's day filled with red and white tulips, poetry and Indian food. Wanted to wait until I had uploaded the picture of the heart-shaped carrot and samosa before saying that :) Here you go.

Jagged Little Pill

Those of you who pay attention know that I am on antidepressants and have been for over two years now. Say what you will, they have really helped me. Despite the stigmas and the accusations of kickbacks for doctors and pharmacists, these little pills drastically improved my quality of life. Did I become a happy-go-lucky, smiling and drooling automaton? No. Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that that is not the effect they had. They just helped me get out of bed and stop crying, and we could all use that sometimes.

I started at dosage X and after about a year and a half I got down to dosage 1/2X. I am still at dosage 1/2X and after all this time, after all we have been through together, it is not working as well. It is wearing off. My body is getting used to it. Whatever it is, it is not good. So the question for me is do I go back up to X? I don't need to like a junkie but I think it's important for my health that I do. My concern is not going back up to X, but what I will have to do when X starts wearing off. 2X? Where do I draw the line?

I hate the stigma about medication and therapy. The fact is that while not everyone should be medicated - and we need to be especially careful about children - there are a lot of people in this world who need a fucking pill. One look at my extended family at gatherings tells me that. If I weren't such a pussy I would write and publish about it more under my real name in order to try and help others. For now I have to keep hiding behind my blog identity and just let my real friends get freaked out over it.

On the other hand, I possibly don't give myself too much credit. I have recently been crossing boundaries in my public writing and, please, one thing at a time.

No Cup o' Joe

This morning I thought to myself, "I have been good. I have broken the addiction. I would like a cup of coffee at work." I validated this through Boyfriend, who only wants to see me happy and knows that I have already cut out countless cups of coffee, and who therefore said to go ahead and enjoy it.

I got to work and started making coffee - something I never do in feminist revolt of the fact that I am often asked to, which is not in my job description - and... I dropped the coffee-filter-part-of-the-machine- whatever in the garbage. Now, this is not the kind of garbage you or I might have in our kitchens. This thing comes up to my chest and has a humongous lock-on lid. So as I am struggling with the lid, unable to get it off, looking like I'm practically humping the garbage, one of our execs walks in.

"Are you alright?" he asks.

"Oh, fine, I just....*groan*... dropped something into the garbage, hee hee."

He walks over and tries to help me pry off the lid, to no avail. He takes out his pocket knife and, in a matter of seconds, opens it up for me. I thank him and fish out the filter, ashamed that he is now going to see that I have thoroughly contaminated everyone's coffee machine. I start scrubbing it with soap, partly because I am skeeved but also partly for show, and he says, "You don't drink coffee, do you?"

This question surprises me because up until about a week ago, I drank it every morning, sometimes two cups.

(I fade into the background most of the time. It's my own fault and in some ways my pleasure.)

"Well... I'm trying to give it up," I respond. "Good for you," he says, and takes his leave.

Now I am able to make the coffee but too ashamed to drink it.

I sit before you with a cup of tea and no regrets. Either the gods were against it, or I am just a spaz who doesn't deserve coffee in the first place.

Action!

Today my company is doing a video shoot with customers and since I am "Project Manager," I have to go and oversee it. This morning my boss asked me if I was going to get myself a director's chair and megaphone.

Nervous!!

Sojourness's Thoughts on Life

*In times of stress, it is good to step back and take a minute to breathe. I never do this but I just did a minute ago and it helped.

*I need to buy me some markers.

*Artsy Friend is coming over after work to teach me to knit. Now I can be a legitimate part of the feminist movement. (No... really.)

*My strong desire to go to graduate school is being slowly eroded by the terrible bureacracy in trying to get my damn Bachelor's already.

*Hot chocolate really is better than coffee.

*Writing takes more energy than most people realize.

Success!

Last night Boyfriend and I were taking a relaxing stroll when I looked up and yelled, "Girl scouts!" We crossed the street to find a mother-daughter duo with a wagon of tasty treats and a couple of signs. College kids had crowded around. One of them asked for a box of shortbread. As the mother reached down to get it, she asked, "Just one?" He gave us all a sheepish look and said, "Uh... two."

It was like witnessing a drug deal.

Addendum:

Indian boyfriends who cook homemade aloo gobi and basmati rice for you to take to work for lunch are a beautiful thing.

First of all, I'd like to thank Andi over at Estella's Revenge for nominating me for the "You Make My Day Award." Every time I pass these nominations on, the recipients are, for lack of a better turn of phrase, not interested, so I'm skipping it this time. I hope that the bloggers who make my day know it! (Andi, for example. Amanda's another one but Andi got her already :P)


So last night I volunteered at the elementary school with the Reading is Fundamental program. (Hey 90s kids, remember that?) It was fantastic. Don't get me wrong - it made me super tired and chalky - but I had a terrific time and will do it again. The children were precious and I loved spending time with them and their parents. It's such a good cause, too - providing low income kids with books and trying to get them interested in reading from a young age. It definitely works, because these kids played a ton of games that were secretly educational (*smirk*) and then got all excited about getting their very own book to take home. What a great program. If you want to help them out, you don't need to donate or volunteer. President Bush's new budget will completely eliminate all their funding (big surprise) and they will be banished from existence in 2009 unless we speak up and tell our Congresspeople that this is not okay.

More info at www.rif.org.

The husband of one of my colleagues - a middle aged woman who works hard and keeps to herself - suddenly and unexpectedly died over the weekend. What a world.

This morning the executives and some others from my office are at the funeral. I am trying to imagine what it must be like for her, though I can't. If that happened to me, I wouldn't want to go to the funeral. I wouldn't want to stand there and appear composed while my colleagues patted me on the back and didn't know what to say. I would stay in bed in a dark room for who knows how long.

I have been trying to buy Girl Scout cookies for days now and I can't find the damn girls.

I saw them a couple of times when I was busy. I told them I'd be back. (I told them.)

I put in my zip code and searched locations and times on their website.

They are never there when they're supposed to be!

Here I am trying to encourage entrepreneurship in young girls and they're slacking on the job.

Boyfriend and I needed new wine glasses (I'm clumsy), so I bought two new ones yesterday. Instead of the plain glass ones, I was inspired to buy glasses with pink and gold stripes. They are gorgeous and were still pretty cheap.

I'm learning to spoil myself. I think it's important for people to do this, especially women, who are always doing for others. It is considered unfeminine to seek out your own happiness.

Small things like pink and gold stripes make me happy.

Cool Aunt gave me a scrapbooking kit for my birthday. I've never scrapbooked before but I have always wanted to! I was so excited when she gave it to me. I haven't had time to create yet, but I did print out some of my favorite photos for the purpose. I also used the materials to create a hand-made, personalized birthday card for my father. It contained a photo of us when we were so young - I was about ten so he was about thirty-three. We were sitting on our couch singing a song. Our mouths are open and we look like we're having the time of our lives. He has a bit of a beard - had to be winter - and I am wearing a really ugly pink sweater with yellow polka dots. I love the picture.

I pasted little messages around the picture, saying things like "Remember?" I mailed it to him with his presents (Dallas Cowboys shirts - he has always been a Dallas fan) and he really liked it. They tacked it up onto his wall for him.

So I am looking forward to scrapbooking now that I seem to have more time to play with. I had an idea of taking pictures of places associated with my book memories. Those are powerful places for me ... I figure I can write in all the titles around the pictures. I had this idea yesterday and am pretty excited about it.

I think my creative self is anxious to get out and play.

You Got the "Bitch" Part Right

Yesterday I took "Skinny Bitch" out of the library. This was just out of curiosity, mind you. I am not about to give up coffee and become vegan just because some former models berate me. But it gets such intense reviews, good and bad, that I wanted to see what I thought about it.

After a few pages, I'm sending it back unread. I don't need these women on their high horses calling me a fat pig. It's not even like they used to be fat and aren't anymore, which would soften it a little. The book is just pure abuse towards fat people and I don't know why anyone buys it. These women shouldn't be hailed as 'straight-talking' and 'tough-love' heroes for women. Give me a break.

In other news, it's Friday! Yay!

A friend and I are attending some seminars for women over the weekend, which should be fun, and of course there is Superbowl Sunday with the boys. I don't mind watching the game but none of us care about the teams so I might duck out for a couple hours to go to the abandoned, totally empty library down the street ;)