My Visual DNA

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Frigg - I missed the Democratic debate. That's what happens when you sell your T.V.

Ah, it's Friday. Boyfriend and I have a busy weekend ahead of us, what with packing and cleaning the apartment and putting things in storage and God knows what else will arise. It will be a pain but it will also be good to go home for a while, especially since Boyfriend's going with me. That should minimize stress.

I am going to surprise Father. I haven't told him I was coming and I told Mother not to. I'm just going to walk in one day, hee hee.

I wish I had time to start writing my novel. I got some good techniques and what-have-you from the creative writing class and I would love to sit down for a few hours and just dig in, but my free time is occupied by classes and such. It's not really 'free.' I shouldn't complain because things are pretty good; I feel happy.

I have a kindred spirit in the office, a middle-aged man who couldn't be my father but could probably be an uncle, who also loves food. He's not a chubster like me, though he takes walks to maintain his "girlish figure" and makes comments that borderline people make: "I love food, as you can tell," while pushing out what tiny hints of a pot belly he has. If he catches me nibbling at my desk, he comes over to see what it is. In the past, he has brought me chocolate kisses, and I gave him a strawberry and a heads-up to the leftover cheesecake in the fridge last week. I was just in the kitchen, taking some potato chips from a humongous bag left over from a meeting, when he came in and got some for himself too. Hee hee.

I like people who like to eat; you know you can trust them because they're normal.

I have been having odd thoughts lately. Not odd in and of themselves, but odd for me considering where I have been spiritually for the past, what, year? More?

Today I found out about a summer position that would knock my socks off. I will apply, but I am trying very hard not to get my hopes up, as I did with that other summer program I was rejected for. I am just trying to be calm and act like if it happens, it happens, and if not, that's okay too.

And I thought to myself, involuntarily, Everything happens for a reason. Maybe I got rejected from the other program so I could do this one. And if I don't get this one, there must be a reason for that, too. God causes everything to happen for a reason.

And then I thought, What did I just think?

Where did God come into it?

But that's what I thought.

This Lamott book is really doing something to me, I swear. I keep reading it and being a little envious of her, her attitudes and her lifestyle. She's a Christian, but she's liberal and cool and funky. She's not stuffy or uptight or judgmental like I normally believe most religious people to be. She weaves these amazing beliefs and ideas together and I think, I want to live like that. Without religion and without the absence of spirituality. A special niche in the world, in life, just for me. Is that possible?

Anne makes me think it is.

This is better...

There are more totally wicked Jesus's at FISHERMEN.

That kid is pretty ballsy, tackling Jesus like that.

Yesterday Boyfriend sold the furniture out from under us. Ha! - but it's true. We're moving, folks, and since we bought all that crap on Craigslist anyway, well, dust to dust, ashes to ashes... we went back to the scene of the crime. He did good, selling practically everything. After the couch was gone, we sat on the living room floor watching Sopranos together until someone came and took the T.V.

We are going home (well, to my home) for two weeks until our apartment is ready, when all the college students get the hell out. Nothing is available in this town until May 15.

So much to do in just one week!

Photo of the Day

Lovely weekend so far. Yesterday morning Boyfriend and I went to this trailer where people sell amazing crepes, and I thought to myself, this is Austin right here. Crepes from a trailer with some tables and chairs and benches set up and round flowery lamps hanging from a tarp, like some backyard party. They were yummy and we'll be back.

Today I had brunch with Artsy Friend. She's going to study art history in Florence this summer so I spent the entire time telling her just how jealous I am.

Making good progress on a paper for school. Has to be 12-15 pages, asking my prof. if I can make it a bit longer and then submit it so I can graduate with 'Honors in English.' I need a prof. to sign off on an honors project so hopefully I can kill two birds with one stone here.

I have been reading Anne Lamott's Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith and it's like a devotional book for me. The chapters are small and short and I can read one at a time and then feel peaceful. I don't know if it is this good spiritual feeling I have gotten but I reconciled with my cousin, whom I mentioned here before. She sent me a message on Myspace saying that she missed me and don't I remember how close we used to be? I messaged her back saying that I was having a hard time forgetting the awful things she said about my parents, and all it would take was for her to say she was sorry. She sent back an immature reply, something along the lines of "Well I thought it was obvious that I was sorry, but if you need me to say it, fine, I'm sorry," and I knew that that was the best I was going to get out of her. (There's a lot of pride in my family, I'm sorry to say.) So I have forgiven her. Although it is difficult to pretend nothing happened, my heart is not as hard. She has said that she really missed talking to me, and do I think we can get to be that close again? My gut reaction said no but I thought about it and messaged her back, "I'm sure we can."

So I'm clicking through Hallmark's E-cards under the 'Love' category because I was feeling particularly romantic, and I see that they have those two little cartoon characters, Hoops & Yo-Yo I think they're named, saying "Will You Marry Me?" Holy shit. If someone sent me a proposal through an e-card with singing cartoons I would never speak to him again.

I think all that trunk-twisting is working; I noticed in the ladies room mirror that I look slimmer today than usual. Either that or my body has gone into hallucinations from the exercise, which it is not accustomed to.

Yesterday was cake day in the office. Corporate America is the fat girl's dream with all these office birthdays and anniversaries. Today there was some berry pie and chocolate ganache cheesecake left over in the fridge... score!!

My gym experience yesterday was better. I stuck to the treadmill and the twisty machine for your trunk. Boyfriend downloaded the 4th Harry Potter audiobook onto his iPod for me since I have a new obsession with audiobooks, and it made the time go quickly. I can't watch TV at the gym, all they play is crap, and I can't just work out and listen to music. I get bored easily. I need stories in my ear all the time; it's weird.

I have been pretty moody lately, especially about going to the gym. Thankfully Boyfriend has been in his motivated mood, so he can pull through for the both of us and push my ass out the door. The time will come when we will switch roles, probably, but for now he's gotta drag me. When I get home from work I just want to lay around and read or something.

The weeks go by so quickly; it is already Thursday. This Sunday I have plans for brunch with Artsy Friend at one of my favorite places - yayyyy.

The gym thing has started to fall flat for me. Before I got sick at the gym last week, I had been able to do like 30 minutes (if not more) on the elliptical machine. The last couple of times, I made it to 5 minutes and had to stop because my thighs and legs were so sore. What gives?

I have also been pulling things even though I stretch first. Crazy. So now I gotta go back to the lame-o treadmill for the remainder of my membership (till May 15 or so, which is surprisingly close, isn't it?) Hopefully I can get back into a groove and get a good workout in on the treadmill, either by walking "uphill" or walking/jogging fast or whatever. I don't know how I could have fallen backwards so far, but the last two trips to the gym were worthless because I had to stop very early. I only burned slightly more than 100 calories; I might as well have stayed home and ran up and down the stairs a couple times.

Work is slow; my boss is out for the week and there is not much for me personally to do until a few weeks from now. I will probably ask Friend From Work if he needs help with anything.

Yesterday was pouring buckets on my way home. Today is nicer, but I feel chilly and damp. I don't know why, it's sunny outside, but I can't really tell from where I sit and so I feel un po' strano.

People are crazy. And that's all I'm going to say about that.


Yesterday after a failed attempt at gyming - the place was packed and I pulled something in my leg from the stairmaster - Boyfriend and I went to dinner and then to Blockbuster. See, I had to rent Stephen King's The Stand. It was on TV on Sunday, like a super marathon with all eight hours in a row, but I didn't watch it because Boyfriend was all, you're just trying to get out of going to the gym, and I was all, I'm soooo not, you don't know what this movie means to me. So I went to the gym that day and yesterday I rented The Stand and made him watch with me. We only watched the first part, "The Plague." Geez, that movie is creepy, even though it's probably the tamest of King's work. (I don't do scary movies so I wouldn't know but from what I've heard... yes.) But it's also highly spiritual, and I always used to watch it with my parents, and I don't know why but after being reminded of it from the Sci-Fi Channel on Sunday I just had to watch it. So, yeah.

What else?

I think that's all I got for now. Be back soon.

O sole mio

The weekends go by too fast. I looove weekends. Not just for the obvious reasons, but because they are the times when I can spend quality time with Boyfriend, when we can actually do things together besides nag each other to go to the gym or wash the dishes :P

This past weekend, we did our food shopping and our gym runs, but we also took a long walk for frozen yogurt, perused titles in a bookstore and had our Sunday night Italian ritual. Last week, when Sopranos came back on, we had bread with olive oil and cannolis and wine while we watched it. It was fun, so this week we did the same, only it was a whole Italian dinner: eggplant and penne alla vodka with mushrooms and olives and foccaccia with oil and vino rosso and cannolis once again. Man, it was awesome, though I had too much wine, which gave me a massive headache last night and made it hard to get out of bed this morning. I'm fine now, though. Viva Italia!


Yesterday was Mother's birthday so Sister and I chipped in to get her a certificate to a local spa. It was Boyfriend's idea and it was a great one, now she can go get a massage or facial or whatever the hell she wants. With small children and a full-time job, it's rare that Mommy gets to do anything for herself.

Do people really have to come in and cough? Anyone ever heard of taking a sick day to spare your fellow (wo)man?

I can't believe it's Friday. The weeks have been going so fast. I'm really looking forward to a weekend, even though I've gotta do some work, I will still squeeze some fun in there.

Man, the nachos at the Cheesecake Factory are killer. I'm gonna spew.

This is a sad day.

Kurt Vonnegut, 1922-2007

"Life happens too fast for you ever to think about it. If you could just persuade people of this, but they insist on amassing information."

Boyfriend finally sucked it up and entered the blogging world:

The Business of Sports

Last night at the gym a curious thing happened. I did my 190 calorie burn on the elliptical machine that I love and then moved on to one of those weight machines where you twist, for your trunk, when all of a sudden a serious sensation erupted in my stomach and I was certain I was going to hurl all over the buff bodies there. I grabbed Boyfriend and we ran for the hills (aka the car) where my gag reflexes went off like crazy, although I didn't actually puke.

Rough night, came in to work late this morning because I didn't think I'd make it in at all. Mostly better now and am treating myself to Cinnamon Pop Tarts from the vending machine because I haven't eaten much besides bread and tea in the last twelve hours. Also, cinnamon are my favorite.

Passione

So I got to watch the Passion, and it didn't have the same effect on me as it had those other years, but I'm glad I watched it. This time, I was really interested in the development of Mary's character (which I think Mel took care to develop because he is Catholic). That part where she remembers picking Christ up as a child when he fell, and that is juxtaposed with her running to him when he fell beneath the cross... I remember that making me cry in past years. It is still my favorite part of the entire movie.


Sometimes I consider becoming Catholic just for things like that, because I like Mary a lot and stories of female saints and all that. But then I think that I can't because I don't believe in following the Pope and couldn't force myself to.

Anyway... I was disappointed that the experience was different because it had been the experience that I was craving, not the movie. I wasn't breaking out popcorn for this one; I wanted to be moved and to cry and to connect with Christ if he's real - but it's just that, it's that qualifier "if he's real" that fucked it all up for me, I'm sorry to say. But what can you do? People change, they grow, they fall in and out of beliefs and it is sad but inevitable for some. Some like me.

Okay, so it's Easter weekend and I've got a lot to say. Firstly, I have been scrambling to find a copy of "The Passion of the Christ." I am aware that Mel Gibson is a creepy fuck and that the movie is graphic (which I HATE) but I need to see that movie this weekend. I watched it last Easter and the Easter before; it has become a ritual, and something within me is screaming that if I don't watch it this weekend, I will be very upset. I need the emotional experience that comes with watching it, that's what I need. Anyway, I found a channel that's playing it so I'll go watch it in an hour or so, actually.

I have been having email discussions with an aunt of mine about spirituality. Why did I approach her with this? Because I've needed to talk, and I wanted to talk to someone who knew me as a child and who knows where I come from and who comes from the same Christian tradition (not Catholic, not Methodist, but just... us). I was brutally honest with her and she was brutally honest with me in return. I did not want to hear everything she had to say; for example, she thinks I need to change my attitude and that I need to become more mature. I thought that wasn't very nice, calling me immature because I disagree with her views, but she said that if I am blaming everything on God, then it is an issue of maturity. Perhaps she has a point. I don't think I blame everything on God ... I don't raise fists of rage at him when it rains or when my car dies or when I fail at something. But I suppose that's what you get for being completely honest, open and vulnerable. I guess it is only because she loves me that she said these things to me.

"God didn't hit your dad with the car. A man did."

Perhaps I needed to hear that, sure. I'll give her that.

Anyway, I am not sure why it being Easter makes such a big difference to me. I don't know what is going on inside me spiritually, but it is something big, I can tell. Maybe it will result in nothing - I cannot possibly see it resulting in a return to anything even vaguely resembling what I have run from screaming. But we shall see.

Interestingly enough, she ended her email with the following:

"If I said anything that comes across offensive, it was not meant to be.

You sound so much like me."

I'm bringing crazy back *dances*

I just took a few bites of a nectarine that was grey on the inside - yeah, grey in the British sense - and tasted strangely like a banana. Ew.

So I need to find a therapist. I'm not gonna not mention it - who cares? It's not like my name is on here and those of you who know my name don't judge me. But how to find one? I'm just randomly going through names on my insurance plan, figuring out who is closest to my apartment. This is a person I have to come to trust intimately, who is going to be very important in the coming months. Just pick a name? Geez. I went to RateMDs.com but they only had like 3 local psychiatrists on there with all bad ratings.

Why is there such a stigma concerning mental health anyway? Imagine how horrified you would be if I let it slip that I've been on antidepressants for over a year. (Oops.)

I'm not crazy. Sometimes I feel crazy compared to people who don't have crying fits several times a week, but really, I'm quite sane. I wouldn't be able to function otherwise. It's just this heavy sadness ... it doesn't go away. It waxes, it wanes, it lessens and increases, but it is always there.

I don't know why I wrote all this on my blog and not in my private journal. Maybe it's confession time ... an expose on your favorite blogger. Who's next?

I think I wrote it because I don't care anymore. I don't care what people think of me. I used to obsess over it but really, there are so many other things to worry about. I'm a writer, there's a need to unburden my soul for an audience and I can't seem to get that memoir down on paper, for some reason. So here it is in installments.

P.S. Sorry about the post title; I couldn't resist.

"Well, the emptiness is endless, cold as the clay
You can always come back, but you can't come back all the way"

- Bob Dylan

I have not had much of an appetite these days, which is steee-raaaange if you know me. I'm a chunky gal and I like my food, but lately, eh. I don't know what's going on.

I know the song quote is depressing but I am not feeling depressed today. I wrote it up there because I have felt it true for me for a long time with regards to religion and spirituality. (Finally, Sojourness returns to her roots!) I probably even wrote this same thing with this same quote years ago when I first started blogging (I actually vaguely recall doing so). I just feel like I'm being drawn back... I hungrily devour to Christian music, I miss the community I used to be a part of... but at the same time, "you can't come back all the way." Even if I returned to church, it would be for the wrong reasons. I don't believe half of that stuff anymore. I miss what I don't believe, isn't that strange?

I will write now when I am in a good mood because lately, that has not been the case. I have been having a severe bout with, I don't even know what to call it. Have been having horrific nightmares and feeling down and yuck-a. Today I feel better though. I have created my own women's magazine online and women from everywhere are sending me really quality stuff, both writing and artwork, even though I cannot pay them. This has been a welcome distraction and it brings me joy every single day. I am really excited about launching it in May. It is not a feminist 'zine though, and that's precisely what I wanted, because I don't want to alienate anyone. (So many people, both men and women, misunderstand the term 'feminism.' It's defined as the belief that men and women are equal and entitled to equal rights, that's all. How people act upon their feminist beliefs is a separate issue.) My 'zine about women saying what they believe and feel, regardless of how it clashes with the other women's submissions. I want a varied, rich publication and so far I've been getting all of the components for it. So happy.

Finished my creative writing class with a 94 average (based purely on assignments - short stories I wrote), now I just gotta take the final. Then I get to move on to super-hard Shakespeare class! I like Shakespeare, but this prof is hard-core, even if it is online. I did the first assignment a few months ago, on the sonnets... studied my butt off and got a 70. 10 multiple choice questions, some of which were so arbitrary that even after reading and rereading the sonnets and reading all the footnotes, I got three wrong.

What else?

Friday night I'm going to the local meditation center to try and learn it for once and also to hear a lecture on "Do all paths lead to God?" Glad I'll be doing something on Good Friday. Need to figure out which is my church of choice for Sunday. No, I don't make any pretense towards being a 'good Christian' so feel free to poke fun at me for only going on Easter. It's important to me that I go, though I'm not sure why.

Oh yeah, funny story, those of you who are in business or financially savvy or whatever will know that last Friday was the end of a quarter. There was a bet going that my company's sales team couldn't go above their quota by a third. They actually went above it by close to 50% so all the executives in the office - including my boss, the CEO - dyed their hair either blue or purple. Permanent too. I kid you not.

Got an ear ache in my right ear, and the pain travels down my neck. Have to go back to work tomorrow but am calling the doc first thing in the morning to get something for this.


I feel like I should have done something today, since it's Palm Sunday, but I didn't. Boyfriend and I are going to go to mass or a Protestant church service or something (haven't decided yet) on Easter Sunday, which is kind of cool and weird since he's Hindu/agnostic, but he offered to go with me for the holiday. I also want to buy flowers for the house - we were in the supermarket today and there were all kinds of crazy colors and scents in the floral section, I was practically swooning.

I played a great April Fool's joke on Sister, and the only reason I got away with it was because she didn't realize it was April Fool's Day. I called her up and asked if I could confide in her, if I could tell her a secret that she wouldn't tell our parents. I told her that I was pregnant, and she believed me. I had her going for 10 minutes at least, asking for advice, should I tell them?, will they be mad?, her telling me "congrats" and "so you're going to move back home now right?" It was hilarious. Finally my mother entered the room and I told Sister that it would be alright to tell her, but if she gets mad, don't put me on the phone with her (because I was, you know, scared and all). I hear her tell my mother, "Guess what? You're going to be a grandmother." Mom grabbed the phone from her and said, "Nice try."