i need to write. i get these sudden urges all the time and i just need to write, man.

so i studied for my chem test, took it today, was sure that i had aced it, and i only got 12 questions right out of 19. how did that happen? there is another 10-point question that has to be manually graded so i have to wait for that. but, honestly, wtf? i can retake it but will that really help when i was certain i got all those answers right?

office halloween party tomorrow, wondering if i should skip brit lit and spend the day at work and bring some cupcakes and kiss some ass, or not. i probably will.

actually, i'm not much of an ass-kisser... i'm too shy. if i stay in my cubicle and people don't talk to me, i'm fine. not because i don't like people, just because i'm afraid i'll say something stupid.

we're reading the bible (1 and 2 samuel, story of david) for my tales of heroism class and i just can't get myself to look at it from an unbiased viewpoint. i mean, this is not literature man, this is my life up until the age of 18. it's pretty weird.

i have been bitten by the e-zine bug, on and off, for a while now. it would be cool because: a) forces me to write and write well for an audience and i can possibly submit my articles to publications afterwards, and b) i guess that's about it. but every time i get excited about it, i stop and change my mind. then change it back. it's kind of unrealistic for a couple of reasons. numero uno - i don't want to spend money on a domain name if this thing will flop, so it would be hosted on blogger or somewhere equally cheesy (no offense blogger). plus, i only know really basic html anyway, and i don't have frontpage. numero due - i don't have a wellspring of talented writers to tap into for work. it can't just be my writing; that's snobby and conceited and self-centered and boring and, well, a blog. but, for example, andi started a super-cool 'zine because she knew a lot of talented writers. i would have to go searching (myspace? my lit class? the streets of austin?) and am not certain i would find enough/any. so, i don't know.

i'm tired. i forgot to reset the time on my cell phone and i woke up an hour early this morning. yeah, ouch.

don't worry, bee happy :)

i'm trying to study for my chemistry test but i can't help but be transfixed by the mentally challenged bee here in my room.

i left a window open (they don't have screens) and he or she made its way in. now it is climbing up one of the stuck windows that doesn't open, falling down, and climbing back up. i have opened all the other windows in the room, the noise and breeze floating in... are you telling me this bee doesn't realize there's another way out?

i could create a metaphor for equally misguided human behavior but i'm not in the mood.

i saw marie antoinette last night with my friend from class and two of her sisters. i really liked it! i would have liked it more if i hadn't been so tired, but in retrospect, it was fun. i don't like kirsten dunst because her characters come off as arrogant to me, and so i expected the film to be good because marie antoinette was supposedly a spoiled queen, but i was pleasantly surprised in that sophia coppola/k.d. portrayed marie as sympathetic. you like her. you feel sorry for her. i found myself liking kirsten dunst - umm, shall we say, alternative universe?

the website i mentioned wants me as a book reviewer. yayyy... consistent publication of my writing and free books. just don't ask me where the time is going to come from.

what can i say? i get bored easily.

brit lit was cancelled today, which was the best surprise ever. it's not that i don't like the class, but i was having one of those days and really didn't want to go. dragged myself, saw the empty classroom, the note... it was beautiful. went to the library in celebration, skimmed the latest issue of the writer magazine and borrowed the art of creative nonfiction by lee gutkind.

this weekend is the texas book festival, which means that writers such as gore vidal, maureen dowd, and stephanie klein (yay - i missed her the first time around), as well as political rockstars such as barack obama will be in town. oh yes. it's like christmas for bookgeeks.

what else is new? well, my novel has gone to shit. i haven't really had the time, and when i have, i have spent it on other endeavors. i hope to go back to it soon, because i'm digging my protagonist a lot.

i asked mother a week ago if she really cared much if i went home for thanksgiving, considering it's so expensive. she said, "that's ok, you don't have to come," without a hint of guilt. it caught me off guard. i was like, "really?" this week, however, she has changed her mind. she offered to pay for my plane ticket, so it's not an issue of money, but i am not sure that i want to go. firstly, whether she pays for it or i pay for it, it's still kind of a waste of a few hundred considering i'm flying home a few weeks later for winter break. besides, i think it will be hard for me to see my girls for a few days and then have to explain to them that i'm leaving again. eh. i dunno.

the prestige

i saw the prestige yesterday. a friend of mine from one of my classes invited me, and since her friends work at the movie theater, we got free tickets. it was awesome! i didn't expect it to be that good. everyone should go see it. really.

what a sunday. i woke up at 11.30 and conked out at 10.00 p.m. no wonder i was up this morning at 7.30 when i didn't have to be up until 8.45. it's better this way, though. i have some work to do and i'm actually awake and fresh enough to do it :)

i was telling cool coworker during our ride home on friday that i am trying to get published anywhere i can. he told me about a website that is always looking for book reviewers and such. i applied to them and they emailed back interested. it doesn't pay but they give you free books, or cds, or movie passes or whatever, so long as you just review them when you're done. i don't know how i will find time to read more considering my two lit classes and book club, but the possibility of publication is strong and enticing. i have become obsessed. i just need to build my portfolio!!

ah. weekends are so beautiful, aren't they? every friday, an awesome coworker of mine drives me home. we have great conversations - he's a former english major - and then i get home to my honey, and the weekend begins. two days of freedom! okay, not really freedom considering all the homework and stuff, but still! i love the weekend.

i invented a new breakfast dish entitled "scrambled pancakes" this morning. long story short, we need new pans. (i made scrambled pancakes because we need new pans... i didn't wreck the pans while cooking. i know what you were thinking.)

infamous was wonderful; i really enjoyed it. it had such funny parts for such a serious subject matter.

it looks like there is the possibility of me getting a B in chemistry. 25% of my grade is the lab work, and i have a 94.2% in that area. plus my tests have come out to be like 77% and 79% with some extra points she gives us. i am hopeful.

la de da. things are just rolling along, as usual. i have been working on getting my interview with an artist for the arts/music magazine i work for. pretty excited about being published in print for the first time. that will be out in january, so i have plenty of time to remain excited until it actually happens.

meanwhile, school is good. the mahabharata rocks. it's so interesting, i'm glad we're reading it. boyfriend has been trying to teach me the correct pronounciation of the names so that i can teach the rest of my class, but it hasn't been going all that well. (it's hard!) just read dr. faustus in my brit lit class, and enjoyed that too. woohoo.

i invited the three cool book club people to go see infamous with me (the movie about truman capote). we're going tonight. happy about that as well, really want to see that movie and really don't want to be a loser in austin anymore. 2 birds, 1 stone.

you make me sick

it was so wrong.

i was watching t.v. with boyfriend and there was this crappy conservative news show on where the dude was talking about - get this - the fact that rosie o'donnell was dry humped by someone on an episode of the view. he had up and coming author chelsea handler joining in on the disgusting, blatant cheap shots taken at rosie, simply because she is overweight.

"i think part of me just died."
"excuse me, i just threw up in my mouth a little."
"how could you not be attracted to that 24-35-75 figure?"

can someone please tell me why, in a world where it is (thankfully) no longer okay to slander people based on gender, color, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion and the like - it is still totally fine to do it based on weight? why have fat jokes been lucky enough to outlive all the rest, and come out, unscathed?

chelsea handler is the author of a book entitled "my horizontal life: a collection of one-night stands." i'm not going to take shots at her or call her a whore, because i fully believe in a woman's right to be as sexually liberated and active as she chooses. however, when reading a review of her book:

"she discusses her quest for sex with a "black man," which doesn't work out because the date she finds on ChocolateSingles.com has a penis so large, she "would have had to be the size of the Lincoln Tunnel to accommodate that thing."

...i somehow think that her opinions are not much to take seriously anyway.

do yourselves and women at large a favor: boycott skinny, overly-made-up blonde women who think that their looks make them more valuable than women who have achieved much more than they could ever dream of.

(and don't think i'm letting the guy off the hook. you know me, further discussion should not be required.)

book club meeting #1 went well. only three people showed, but they were three cool people. we decided to read the secret history for november.

sister posted a recent pic of the little sister trio on my myspace profile, which has made me miss them even more, if that was possible. firstly, babies grow at an increasingly alarming rate during the first couple years of their lives, so the bambina that's 9 months old now is huge. and to think, i thought she was huge when i got back from italy in august. the others look older too. madonna!

weekends go by so fast, don't they? back to the grind tomorrow.

ah, sundays. the inevitable do-all-the-work-you-were-supposed-to-have-done-already day. it's supposed to be the day of rest, the sabbath, or at least that's how i was raised. but how can anyone truly rest on a sunday? it's crucial pre-monday homework time.

i enjoyed happenstance a lot. audrey wasn't even in it that much, and her character was depressed and a little bit of a jerk, to be honest. but all the other characters, their stories, the way fate brought them all to cross each other's paths... it was really cool. my favorite part was when this racist woman insulted algerians, not realizing the man she was talking to was algerian, and when she left the table he squashed a bug and put it in her coffee.

i really enjoy foreign films, they're fun.

writing a paper on the iliad. my class is full of pretty smart people and we always have great lit discussions. one guy said in our last class that he thinks that in our mainly monotheistic culture, he believes that celebrities have taken the place of the gods of the polytheistic religions. for example, the gods in ancient greece, sumeria, rome, etc. are not perfect, they make mistakes and act childish at times, but they are superhuman and beautiful and wonderful and something that mortals can never be like. he said that the way we obsess over "whether or not jen got new titties" is similar. maybe it's a stretch, but i can see what he means. i mean, if you step back and look at our obsession with celebrity, it is quite interesting. why do we care so much about who broke up and who slept with whom and what people we don't know are doing? because they're beautiful? because they're rich? because they're so far above the rest of us? (and are they really? come on.)

i thought it was a cool point, and he made the class laugh with his use of the word "titties." (it's a morning class, and it was unexpected. don't judge.)

woot woot

i am super excited. i wrote a piece on violence against women - the piece that the feminist mag rejected - and it is going to be published as a guest column in an online magazine run by a nonprofit org. that deals with grassroots activism, global citizenship, social issues, etc. they have over 30,000 readers each month.

this is better than saving yogurt lids! :)

on notice. again.

i should make one of these every week. screw that, every day :)

friday night at the movies

while at blockbuster the other night, boyfriend called me on my audrey tautou girl crush.

i was torn between happenstance and he loves me...he loves me not, but i decided that i would rather watch a sappy love story than a movie about love gone wrong and audrey being rejected. that would just be depressing.

tomorrow night! microwave popcorn! my couch!

i think i'm way too excited about watching a movie. i guess i am really excited about the prospect of two hours of not doing work. yeah baby.

i had a fairly good day, but i was in kind of a funk when i got home. firstly, i took my second chemistry test yesterday. there were only 12 multiple choice questions, 5 points each, totaling 60 points, and then there was a nine-part question that was worth 45 points. the only score i could get right away was my multiple choice score. i got 50%, or 6 / 12 right. i was pretty disappointed so i studied more and retook it today. i was certain i got 100% this time, but i only got 8 / 12 right. it's definitely better, and with all the calculations, i have the potential to get between a 70 and an 80 as my final score, but still. blah.

my book club meeting is this sunday. it turned out to be men and women, so that is cool. i hope i like these people. they are all new to austin, like me, so hopefully they will be as desperate for friendship as i am. i was telling boyfriend today that the people at school are not working for me socially. i don't mean that in a snobbish way, there are some really cool people i would love to hang out with, but no one is really interested and i'm not going to beg. (i can hear my mother doing mrs. seinfeld's bit: "how could anybody not like you???")

so anyway, i was in my funk, but after boyfriend and i went out for chinese food, we checked the mail on the way back into the apartment. i got a postcard from three of my italian friends who went to valencia, spain to visit another friend (these are people i worked with in venice). so i had a postcard and the four of them all signed it with "un abbraccio forte" (a strong hug) and it made me happy :)

do somethin'

ever since reading an article on energy, i have been unplugging vampire energy suckers like chargers and toasters and coffee makers when not using them.

i have been saving my yogurt lids to send in to raise 10 cents a pop for breast cancer research.

i click all the buttons on the hunger site and the others every day.

i guess i feel like i'm doing something (albeit a very small something) for others. i have a strong desire to get involved in something i care about, but i don't have money, and i don't have time. it really pisses me off.

maybe i should work in activism or for a non-profit for a couple of years before deciding what my career will be.

carry me, i'm just a dead (wo)man

i should probably be doing some work, but i can't motivate myself. i stayed home from school yet again because i don't feel well. this is the worst month in the history of months. i have decided that there is no way that god is a woman. what a shame.

last night we went to the jars concert. sure, it was jam-packed with WASPs, primarily (but not limited to) 12-16 and 40-45 years of age. one guy tried to invite us to his church and bible study, which annoyed me. (they're a christian band but they're mainstream as well. do you have to assume every fan is a christian? go talk to the teenager wearing the "got jesus?" shirt standing right next to me, dude.)

all in all, though, i was so happy. it was so much fun. they put on a good show, and i am madly in love with pretty much everything they've ever written, so it was really exciting to hear it and see them live. i feel like they're one band that is virtually incapable of writing a bad song. seriously man.

anyway, i don't know why i am getting so burned out. for some reason, the normal things i have always done - going to class, working, studying, writing papers - it all overwhelms me now. i feel like i work all the time. i don't, obviously, but my nights and weekends... i'm always either doing some kind of work or avoiding some kind of work and feeling guilty about it. it's not really an issue of laziness because i want to do the work, but i feel emotionally tired. and i think it's translating into physical sickness, as these things often do. i just feel weak and run down all the time. it really sucks, man. i'm 22 years old and i don't eat meat. i should be seriously healthy!

i submitted a piece i wrote to a few feminist magazines, and i got my first rejection email today. i am officially a writer. it was something along the lines of it unfortunately not being right for them at this time, but please continue to send in writings so they will have something to shoot down, because it provides a source of amusement for overworked, underpaid feminists to shit on my work.

"membership" and other bullshit

"I do not believe that God created an egalitarian world. I believe the authority of parent over child, husband over wife, learned over simple to have been as much a part of the original plan as the authority of man over beast."

"I believe that if we had not fallen [...] patriarchal monarchy would be the sole lawful government."

why, clive? why do you do this to me, man?

you know how much i love you. you know that even when i am the least like a typical christian, i still go to the library and check out your books and carry them around with me everywhere and devour them. and you know that i'll even forgive you for comparing us to children, "the simple," and beasts (in other words, creatures who cannot take care of themselves). i'll keep reading.

but why? why the superiority complex? just explain that to me. you are perfectly happy to spout humility, and talk of how we are absolutely nothing in comparison with god. but in comparison with each other? men rule over women.

you make it so hard to love you.

look at me, arguing with a dead man.

on notice

i'm taking a sick day today, as in a i-will-have-a-nervous-breakdown-soon-and-it-has-
translated-into-physical-sickness day.

i went a little nutso yesterday. i had a full morning of hiking across highways on foot in order to get to work in austin, texas, where you must have a car, but mine is back home. after my own little version of 'survivor,' i trekked back to campus and had my brit lit class.

i should preface this with saying that i don't like the people in my class. you can just tell when you're in one of those kind of classes. well, i'm in one of those. i have made acquaintances, if not friends, in my other classes, but these people are not that kind. so, whatever. i read, i go, i listen to the lecture, it's cool.

i could only get my hands on the last edition of our book without burning a terrible hole into my wallet, and since my professor said i could probably get by with that, i've been using it. yesterday after class i spoke with her, and she told me two things:

1 - my paper topic is shit and i have to change it
2 - i will be royally screwed on the test unless i meet up with another student who has the right book

now, she said it much nicer, naturally, but i was feeling pretty bad about myself regarding #1 - if there's anything i can do, it's english - and was worried about #2 because i know how these folks are. i got home feeling yucky and angry and overwhelmed. the test is tomorrow.

i emailed everyone in my class and said "hey, i know some of you need the notes, i will let you see mine AND buy you a cup of coffee if you'll just meet up with me briefly and let me see your book." there are like 30 fucking people in that class and no one answered. bastardi.

no one wants the notes they've missed? no one drinks coffee? no one will do another classmate a favor?

last night boyfriend and i had a great night of reading magazines at the library and eating dinner out together. but when we got home i was still feeling so overwhelmed. and some bad dreams and thoughts about my dad didn't help matters.

so this morning, i got up, showered, dressed, and couldn't make it to class. i felt an enormous wave of nausea sweep over me. i'm in bed. i feel less nauseous but don't feel like i can sit up or go anywhere. will probably have to miss stephanie klein's reading today.

sick bastard.

what is the world coming to?? shooting little girls in school because you can't resist the temptation to sexually abuse them??

save our boobs!!!

check them out, and then donate some money, you pervs.

*no, mine are not on there. sorry.

item #1 - i got a 73 on that chem test. at least i passed. i have another one available from this thursday until next wednesday. lord have mercy.

item #2 - i am beginning a book club for 20-somethings. so far the only responses have been from women, which is not only fine with me, but ideal. it can be like the all-ladies book club i participated in back home. fun fun fun!

item #3 - work email is screwy. you get an email when you submit your timesheet late. i began two weeks ago and as soon as my email was set up, i got emails about my august timesheets being late. i emailed the folks to inform them of the problem. they fixed it, and then i got emails about july being late. emailed them again, they apologized and said they would work on it again. you know the rest. june emails. it's kind of funny, actually.

i am procrastinating so badly. i have gotten some work done, so it's not all bad, but seriously, i never had such a focusing problem before. i can't help that i hate chemistry so bad!

boyfriend said i may have misunderstood what friend #3 was saying yesterday. it's possible. the most fun time of the month is approaching, and i tend to be quite critical of XY's at that time. i'm not deleting the post, though, because that picture of batwoman is hot.

i began writing a novel. i guess i was inspired by the erotica - not that i'm going to write any! - but the whole idea of forming characters and making stuff happen to them. i want to try my hand at it. i already have quite a bit and it is super fun :)