two years too blue

life is strange sometimes. today is the two year anniversary and as i was reading last year's entry, i realized that once again i am up early in a house alone, thinking and writing.

i broke down a little bit last night and probably will again before the day is over, but i am in a better place than i was last year, i think.

it is still very hard. it pops up all the time. when i sat down to take my chemistry test i thought about my mom, dad and i hanging out, some specific time that we will never relive, and then i had to push it out and say, "not now, i can't think of that now," and move on to take the test. sometimes i still cannot do that. last night i forced boyfriend to watch rudolph and frosty the snowman and when frosty melted, i just totally cried, but i wasn't crying because the cartoon snowman was a puddle of water - although that is pretty depressing - but because christmases will never involve my father the way they used to. i mean, we still see him but he is never home with us to open presents around the tree and walk in front of the video camera while mom is trying tape and so she yells at him, laughingly, to get his butt out of the way.

i am very lucky because last year i had fellow seeker and this year i have boyfriend and as long as i never spend december 9's alone, i should be okay.

and thanks to all my friends who aren't physically with me on this day, but who are with me anyhow. i love you.