Conversations from the Scale

"I'm telling you ... low-carb," Mother tells me. "No more than 20 grams a day. That's the only way to change your metabolism."
"Geez Mom, stop picking on me."
"I'm not!"
"That's the fourth time you've mentioned it."
"It's just that I know you're unhappy."
"I never said I was unhappy. How do you know I am?"
"I know you. I know you're not happy like that."
"Look, I told you, the doctor said it was the combination of medications. It's not my fault."
"I know. Do you really need them?"

--

"Um, your nurse just weighed me and it seems I've somehow gained twenty pounds since I saw you last month?"
"Hmm. That is curious."
"How can that even be possible? I think I would have noticed. Is that even physically possible?"
"Well, maybe it's the medication that did that."
"Really?"
"Or maybe you just had a bad month." He smiles.

A bad month? I think to myself.

It is great to be back home, and great to be back at work. (Did I just say that?)

Moving has been kind of crazy. I got home from the airport Saturday night at around 11:00 and started packing up my apartment! Yesterday I moved it all a few doors down to the new apartment, except for the heavy stuff, which someone helped me with. Only problem now is the fact that: a) the apartment stinks from the last tenant's cat and dog and b) the toilet doesn't flush. I need to call these people and get someone in there today because a working toilet is seriously essential to one's quality of life. The carpets have been cleaned and re-cleaned so we will need to get them replaced to get that stink out. Geez Louise.

Otherwise things are calm. I am so glad the moving went so smoothly. Sure, I'm sore and exhausted, but done in one day!

Also, just want to thank whoever vandalized the bathroom on the plane that was supposed to take me home, so that the airline got paranoid about terrorism and ripped it out and put it back in, delaying my flight by nearly two hours. Would also like to thank the parents who sat next to me with their horrible children for not knowing how to discipline, as well as the airline itself for changing my seat at the last minute to accomodate someone else and sitting me next to Rosemary's baby.

I am starting to believe that perhaps young boys should take a mandatory class on how to converse with women without staring at their breasts. I realize that it is quite natural for men to do this, just as women naturally cannot help staring at a man's package while they are speaking (Oh, wait... we don't do that!), but there has to be some way to nip this thing in the bud so that by the time they grow into middle-aged and elderly men, they will perhaps have a clue.

*Cross-posted at the Feminist Pulse because the wider the audience, the better. Perhaps some chest-talkers out there will take heed!

Almost completely over the infection. The wonders of antibiotics. I will probably even go home (to my parents' house) tonight. Fly *home* home on Saturday. Moving this weekend - aaaggghh! - and then by next week should be back into my groove.


Interesting short little fact: I recently read somewhere that Hindus do not really believe in many gods. Rather, they believe in one God but many different incarnations. Kind of like representations of traits, but not separate gods. Then Boyfriend's Mother said something to that effect last night as we discussed religion. She also drew parallels between the Garden of Eden mythology and Hindu mythology, that both stories are about humans who go beyond the boundaries of where they are supposed to go, and get punished for it.

Kind of interesting, I thought. Still dying to read the Ramayana; think I may when I get home.

Scrawled in my notebook:

7 - I don't know what day it is. Sick in bed. Real sick. Throat = burning, scratching, agony, pain! pain! pain! Ears = pain! Neck = pain! Glands = swollen and lumpy. Hair = matted with sweat. Eyes = glazed over. How long have I been in this bed in Boyfriend's aunt's apartment, sucking down cough syrup and reading every book his cousins own? I was supposed to go home to my family today and fly home on Tuesday morning, but looks like plans must change as I can't move.

This morning Boyfriend took me to the emergency room which, thankfully, was just across the street. I have a throat infection. They gave me penicillin and some painkillers that make me want to heave up my insides and then pass out. But at least it kills the pain.

Changed my flight to Saturday and wrote an email to my boss, including the information about the hospital visit so he takes me seriously and does not give my job to the Marketing intern who wears short shorts.

The vacation has been good so far, for the most part. It got off to a stressful beginning only because my family home is stressful and always will be, but it is wonderful to spend time with my sisters and to see Boyfriend again. Sounds crazy since we live together but that week alone was the pits. And his parents are totally sweet.

Of course I was nervous about meeting them but all has gone extremely well. His mother gave me a pair of earrings and a necklace that I love. We all went to my favorite museum together, and to dinner in Little Italy. When I left today, his father said, "When are you coming back?" and seemed glad to hear 'tomorrow' as my response. After I left the house we ran into each other as they came back from shopping, me on one side of the street and them on the other. Boyfriend's father called across to me, "Tomorrow!" :)

I love these little girls and sometimes it makes me want to cry that I live so far away and that they get upset when they count off the days of my trip on the calendar. I just know in my heart, though, that staying here at this point, when I cannot afford a life of my own outside of this house, would not be in my best interest. And if I'm not okay, it doesn't help them much.

Last night I had dinner with Artsy Friend and took her to a movie screening with me. I was there to review the film for a magazine I write for, so we got to sit in the reserved press row. Isn't that crazy?

This was the first time I had seen her since she got back from Florence just a week or so ago. She brought me back a bookmark from the Uffizi, one that has Eve from Lucas Cranach the Elder's painting on it. I had bought myself the same one when I visited Florence last year, but while walking to work in Venice, reading a book, it slipped out and I lost it. I was very upset. I didn't think I'd ever be able to replace it, obviously, but she brought one back for me! :)

Tomorrow I fly to New York and won't be alone anymore. Yay. And when I get back and am alone for a week or two, I really need to hang out with people. Sitting in the apartment depresses me and makes me a little crazy. Artsy Friend said to definitely call her, and I had to cancel on movie night with Book Club Friend two nights ago because I was sick, so I owe her a rain check!

I had such wicked heartburn today that it felt like hellfire was coursing through my chest and throat. I ran out of the office in tears, went to the doctor who wouldn't see me, then to the pharmacy, then to my bed where I consumed a lot of extra-strength Tums and Alka Seltzer. I felt and feel better, though not 100%. I have been having issues lately. Every time I eat I want to throw up. Doc appointment Friday, let's see if we can't nab this thing, because it is not fun.

The good health god

Those of you who don't believe in a higher power, consider this. Last night I screwed up dinner on a number of levels and decided, the hell with it, I'm going to go to Wendy's. I thought about how unhealthy it would be but decided that I didn't care. I got to Wendy's and was about to open the door when I looked down and saw an ENORMOUS black bug flailing around on the ground. He was dying, and I soon noticed that he was not alone. No, every other ENORMOUS black insect he had ever met in his life, from friends to relatives to casual one-night-stands, was lying there as well, littering the walkway, either dead or fading fast. I nearly retched. I don't know what they were or how they all came to be slaughtered outside of Wendy's but I couldn't go inside after that. I walked a couple of blocks and bought a healthy sandwich.

*Shivers just thinking about it*

I keep having these bad dreams. When they are not terrifying, they are emotionally disturbing. Things happening that shouldn't, angry reactions and all kinds of chaos. I am so angry at some people in my life and it comes out in my dreams.

I started going to a new therapist; don't know if I mentioned that. I have seen her, I believe, three times so far, maybe four. She is okay. I don't feel as strong a connection with her as I did with the last one, but perhaps that will come with time? I don't know. The thing is, I don't always know why I'm there. I know I need someone to talk to, but I don't have a specific objective in mind. And she asked me in the first session, "What do you want accomplish?" "I don't know," I said honestly. "I don't want to be depressed anymore."

I am less depressed than I have ever been, living here away from the trauma with someone who fully supports me. Whenever I see her and she asks, "How have you been doing?" I say, "Fine." And it's true. I am fine. I am happy.

So why am I there?

For starters, I want to get rid of these bad dreams that haunt me pretty much every night.

I also specifically chose someone who specializes in 'grief counseling.' That should provide me some sort of clue as to why I even go. She told me, "You have many things to grieve for. I can help you do that."

Great. Sounds like fun to grieve.

See Your Sunshine

Boyfriend left yesterday for his month-long vacation with his family up north. I will be there shortly but only for about 10 days, since I do not have much vacation time from work. I will get to meet his parents - wow - and see my family and friends. It should be nice.

Now I am alone for a week, and will be for two more after I return. I am a bit lonely and ever missing him, of course, but things are fine. I ran my errands and am working on my paper and la de da. I bought myself some cookies and wine; I should be okay.

I also have Paul's new album to play over and over. Mother gave me an iTunes gift card for Christmas, which I found strange considering I didn't have an iPod or even use iTunes. Well, it came in handy, because I just used it to buy the album.

"So here was this guy who was intensely relational, needing other people, and in order to cause him to appreciate the gift of companionship, God had him hang out with chimps for a hundred years. It's quite beautiful, really. God directed Adam's steps so that when He created Eve, Adam would have the utmost appreciation, respect, and gratitude.

I think it was smart of God because today, now that there are women all around and a guy can go on the Internet and see them naked anytime he wants, the whole species has been devalued. If I were a girl today in America, I would be a feminist for sure. I read recently where one out of every four women, by the time they reach thirty, are sexually harassed, molested, or raped. And then I thought how very beautiful it was that God made Adam work for so long because there is no way, after a hundred years of being alone, looking for somebody whom you could connect with in your soul, that you would take advantage of a woman once you met one. She would be the most precious creation in all the world, and you would probably wake up every morning and look at her and wonder at her beauty, or the gentle, silent way she sleeps. It stands to reason if Byron, Keats, and Shelley made beauty from reflecting on their muses, having grown up around women all their lives, that even these sonnets could not capture the sensation Adam must have felt when he opened his eyes to find Eve."

- Donald Miller

She Walks in Beauty

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent.

- Lord Byron, 1814.

Five Reasons Why I Have the Best Boyfriend in the World

There are way more than five, some of which would make you nearly faint with delight at the romance and kindness of it, but geez - a little privacy, folks.

;)

1. He says things like, "Do you mind if we look around in the Pottery Barn for a bit?"
2. Every night he prepares and packs my breakfast and lunch so I can take it with me to work in the morning, and when I get home, he has dinner ready. He works and goes to school just like I do, and when I tell him not to do all that, he argues, "I enjoy it."
3. When I am really stressed, he takes the bus all the way to where I work, up north, to have lunch with me. Then he takes the bus all the way back.
4. He bought me a vintage copy of a romantic novel for no reason.
5. After two years he still buys me flowers.
   

The dev guy who called me "not cute" is being nice to me now. He talks to me and makes jokes when he ignored me before. I attribute this to either:

a) he was not talking about me
b) the IT guy told him that I heard what he said and he feels sorry
c) he is as ignorant as most men are

I remember when Fellow Seeker told me that his coworker called me the "not cute" one. (That seems to be my title of choice!) He had met myself and our other friend, a beautiful slim Latina girl, and when F.S. brought me up in conversation, his coworker was like, "Oh, the not-cute one?" F.S. was righteously indignant and bellowed that I am very pretty. Then he promptly told me and we had a little fun with the guy the next time we saw him. "Hey, you remember my friend Sojourness?" F.S. asked. I smiled at him. "Yes, the not cute one?"

The look on his face was priceless.

Speaking of cuteness and the lack thereof - lol - I got glamour photos taken for our anniversary. I got to have my hair and makeup done and be maneuvered into all kinds of silly poses like a real model. I think my favorite was the Spiderman pose - up against a "brick wall" with my hands flushed against it. Ha haaaa. The photos came out nicely though.

Brother is the best. We were discussing how my Bard paper has to be based on some controversial argument, which made us brainstorm possible theses in our afternoon, desk-job delirium:

--

Shakespeare was a closet communist.

Shakespeare was a Hare Krishna.

Shakespeare was a hack that blew goats.

A Midsummer Night's Dream is a metaphor for oral sex.

Men played women's parts because Shakespeare was a closet transexual hermaphrodite.

--

I feel like I'm in high school again, and it is goooood ;)

Note: The dirty ones were Brother's ideas. I swear.

This morning my company had our monthly meeting and I found out that three people in Sales are no more. I was shocked, considering I had not heard the news and these people predated me. In such a small company, you know everyone, and I knew them. Sad. I started getting a little nervous myself after hearing that, but Boss took me out to lunch today - nice Italian restaurant - and when he was leaving for his vacation and made a joke about the cat being away and the mouse playing, he said, "I'm just kidding. I know I don't have to worry about you."

Woot!

Tonight Boyfriend and I went to the coffeehouse on the lake and then to my Italian meet-up. Fun times. Fresh air, refreshments, some cultura d'Italia... love it. Our lives are so wonderful - we spend every evening together, doing different things, and we are so happy. I told Boyfriend no kids for at least five years (if not longer!) so we can just keep doing this.