thank you, society. i hope you're proud of yourself.

Middle School Girls Gone Wild

the weight i've gained has really been bothering me. since i'm home now i am seeing how i don't fit into my old clothes, or i do fit but not well anymore, and it really pisses me off. i guess i shouldn't complain - i could have way worse problems - but it makes me feel yucky. i want to get back into exercising and all that but it's hard in a house full of people. sister was like, "what do you care? you have a boyfriend already; it doesn't matter." yes, yes, i have a boyfriend, but that doesn't make me feel any less hideous.

i spent the last two days with the traveler, who i realized i hadn't seen prior to that in close to a year. i finally gave her some presents i had for her - a queer eye for the straight guy dvd collection, a carnevale mask jewelry box from venice, and a small "melt away your ex" candle ;) her birthday is a week after mine (which is in one week) and so these gifts are molto late.

speaking of which, i gotta figure something out for my birthday.

last night i had dinner with veteran seeker. i hadn't seen him since august. he is such a sweetheart and i was so glad to see him. he treated me to dinner and we spent three hours just talking and having a great time. i am really fortunate to have the friends that i have, no joke.

almost done with the golden compass and it is fun. fantasy for young people in the harry potter vein, but different. the traveler gave it to me for my last birthday but i am only getting to it now. i am just in the mood for some easy reading right now to recuperate from the semester. next i'm going to read the 3rd book in the ladies' detective agency series. (and i've only read three of the harry potter's as well... i'm so behind in life.)

tonight i will see the old fellows. i am looking forward to it, especially seeing my old roommate from venice. she lives and works in korea now so it is rare that she is home. yipee!

i have a cousin on my father's side who is four months younger than me. she and i have always been close, as have sister and her brother, who are also close in age. we had sleepovers as teenagers, exchanged christmas and birthday presents, and even though we rarely saw each other, were buddies. i was one of the first people she told when she discovered she was pregnant at 18 or 19. mother and i went to her baby shower. my parents bought her a crib. after moving to another state with her boyfriend, she mailed me pictures of the baby.

after my father's accident, when everything went to shit, rumors started flying like crazy around the family. my dad got some money from an insurance policy and insisted i buy a "new" car (read: new to me). i argued against it. my car was a 17-year old p.o.s. but it was my first car and i loved it. he said that the fact that it constantly broke down worried him for my safety, so i gave in and bought a newer used car. my cousin and i had a confrontation when she repeated rumors to my face as if they were true, namely ones about my mother and about the fact that i had taken my father's insurance money to buy myself a brand new car. words were exchanged that were not pretty. my cousin told me that she didn't have a new car because her father could walk.

this was over a year ago and we haven't spoken since. every so often she sends me myspace friend requests but i either deny or ignore them. she has never apologized; just wants to forget it happened.

anyway, sister discovered from her myspace profile that she and her boyfriend are no longer together and she has moved back in with her mother. this has gotten me thinking... she is a single mother now and she's my age. maybe i should make peace with her because she could probably use a friend. sister thinks it would be something of a betrayal to my parents if i forgive my cousin. i just see it as being the bigger person, and it's not like either of my parents will care very much if i talk to her again.

what should i do? hold the grudge or let it go?

why do i always overeat when i have indian food? i act like i'll never see it again in my entire life or something.

have yourself a...

the holidays were not bad. i spent some of christmas eve with boyfriend and his family because it was his birthday, and then i returned home for midnight christmas eve gift-opening (our tradition). sister got me a beautiful pair of earrings, a geisha doll and a sex and the city coffee table book (which is one of those things i would never buy myself, but i really love now that it has been given to me). mother gave me a gold necklace. i don't like gold - i'm a silver lady - but i love this one. check me out:

why does my hair look red in contrast to my skin? weird.

anyway, christmas day we went to see my dad and got kind of depressed. boyfriend was supposed to come over but didn't feel well. he braved it, though, to come and surprise me because he knew i was down. he stayed the night too. he's awesome.

achoo

the change in temperature was a bit too much for me and i have caught a cold. it's not that bad of a cold, but i feel very weak and out of it and keep falling asleep all the time. that is the worst part. i couldn't pick up the traveler or boyfriend from the airport yesterday and today because i didn't think i could drive all that way.

sister says i'm always sick at home and that i'm either lazy or a hypochondriac. i got sick when i was away too but not as often. does stress manifest physically in me?

oops

i am sitting on the bottom step of the staircase leading up to the second floor, reading my book. kid sister #1 approaches with two small, flat presents. one is from sister to mother and the other is from kid sister #1 to me. kid sister #1 remarks on the similarity in shape and size and whispers to me, "i think this one [mother's gift] is a picture." i tell her, "no, it's not. i know what it is. i'll tell you if you promise not to tell mom." she nods vehemently. "it's a card so she can buy things from the store." she smiles and says, "don't worry, i won't tell mom, just like i won't tell you that this one [my gift] is a picture."

numero uno

Which of Henry VIII's wives are you?

i have been having a pretty good time since i've been home. there are some things going on that stress me, but that is to be expected when the family is in such a different place from where we used to be (what with my dad's condition and everything). i have been hanging out with sister a lot and have noticed that she has grown up considerably since i left. she always babysat but she has taken on the role of the eldest, dressing the girls and taking them to the school bus stop and picking them up, making sure they do their homework, etc. she is also really enjoying her job and saving quite a bit of money instead of blowing it all. i am very proud of her.

this morning as i took the girls to school, kid sister #2 asked me, "can you stay home?" "stay home from where?" i asked. she replied, "you can go places, but can you stay home?" i realized what she meant. "you mean don't go back to texas?" she nodded. i squirmed. i had to explain that i have a job there and that i have to go back but that i will be here for a while and will visit. felt kind of bad but she got over it quick since it was time for school. i know that will come up again; she had a real problem with me leaving in the first place and even refused to talk to me on the phone because she was so mad. when she finally did, she yelled "when are you coming home?? i want you to come home tonight!" made me feel terrible.

last night i hung out with bro, bro's friend (who i know from high school and subsequent hangouts) and childhood friend. it was great to see them again and we definitely have to get together several more times before i leave in january. oh, and bro has atari!!!! so we played at his house for a while, wooooo hooooo. at one point he was like, "man, these graphics are AWESOME!" which cracked me up.

i keep getting compliments on the green scarf that my friend from austin made me. childhood friend was like, "i wish i had friends that made me stuff." i don't know if that was a hint or not. :P

i also got a call last night from fellow seeker, whom i haven't really talked to in months. i am supposed to see him next week. i have missed him.

she's got me there

"she spit in my hair!!"

i look at the offending child. she grins nervously. "it was an accident!" she yells, but her face betrays her. i walk over, gently take her head in my hands, and pretend to spit right into her hair. the spit-on child laughs hysterically; even the offending child does. i say, "i didn't really do it, but next time you spit on her, i will. and my spit is bigger. and stickier!!" we all laugh. the offending child says, "but you can spread germs that way!" i respond, "yes, you can, so don't do it to your sister." "we have the same germs," she protests, "we're twins!"

i'm home.

our father

i emailed my newspaper article to the christians in my life because i thought that they would be pleased with it. i do admit in the article that i might not believe certain things literally anymore, but overall, it is a very positive piece.

mentor emailed me today to tell me that he just read it. he said that we will always be friends but, naturally, he is sad about what i wrote and what i believe.

this came as a surprise to me. he has always been so open to talk and my questioning that sometimes i forget that he is a professor at a christian college. then sometimes he reminds me, like with this email. anyway, when my mother expresses disappointment in me i shrug it off because faith in her life is not as important as it used to be anyway. i suspect that her disappointment is not genuine; i think she just feels it is something she is obligated to say in order to remain a good christian mother. but for some reason what he said bothered me and made me feel ashamed of what i believe, which is not cool.

he didn't mean for it to be that way, but for some reason i have accorded him and certain other people a lot of respect, and the thought of being something other than what fits into their mold makes me feel as if i'm letting them down. it's silly, i know, but that's how i felt. he said that he admires my openness and seeking and that we just have to disagree. blah.

why is it so important for me to believe a certain way?

this is a good week for me. not only did i get a 'B' in chemistry, but i was only 23 points short of an 'A.' at first i felt really shitty because if i had done just a bit better on a test or homework or something, i might have gotten the 'A,' but whatever. the 'B' is good news for me.

this morning i finished "lamb: the gospel according to biff, christ's childhood pal" and, i have to say, it was one of the best books i have read in a long time. not only was it funny and interesting, but it really got to me emotionally. the characters of biff and joshua (jesus) and maggie (mary magdalene), starting out as childhood friends and going up to adulthood... wow. i am so sorry that it's over. 400-something pages but i wish it would have gone on forever, it was that good. i'm going to get one to give to veteran seeker for his birthday.

last night was my company's holiday party. it was dinner and drinks on a cruise on town lake. boyfriend and i had a great time, although we were so exhausted from finals that we wanted to leave after a couple of hours but couldn't unless we wanted to swim back, hehe. we came home and just crashed. all in all, a good time was had. the guy who drives me home and has an office right next to me hugged me when i said goodbye because i won't be back for at least a month. my boss gave me permission to stay home until the end of january so i can be there for my father's birthday.

written yesterday, new blog post coming in a minute:

i'm such a sad individual. i cut my finger somehow without noticing and got blood on my white shirt, and i was walking around the office that way. it was so embarrassing, especially since today was the only day i had to discuss being hired full-time with my boss. i felt like such a goof: "please hire me even though i wear shirts with prominent stains to work." i didn't cut myself until i got here but no one knew that, dammit!!

i am very happy to say that, stain and all, he did hire me. beginning in february when i get back to austin, i will be working here full-time and taking my remaining classes online. very happy and excited and proud :) woohoo health insurance! i feel like such a grownup.

i submitted a second piece i wrote to the editor who published my last one, but she said she was "going to pass on this one." i felt embarrassed and yucky, but hey, that's the life of the writer. rejection and being misunderstood. there's this unbelievable quote by j.d. salinger in his short story "de daumier-smith's blue period" that i just love: "the worst that being an artist could do to you would be that it would make you slightly unhappy constantly." isn't that great?? i think i'm going to stick it on the side of the blog with my other favorite quotes.

i finished "the arabian nights" yesterday. my version was a bit of a rip-off because it omitted the story of aladdin and the lamp and sindbad the sailor and ali baba and the 40 thieves - basically the reason you would read "the arabian nights" - but it was good nonetheless. the stories were interesting. the only thing that got to me was the treatment of women. i know it shouldn't have, especially because it's so dated, but there was all this i-suspect-you-of-cheating-so-i-will-cut-you-up-into-pieces incidents, and many times they were wrong and were like you-didn't-cheat-oh-what-have-i-done? stuff like that annoyed me. but overall, good stuff. i need to go read the famous tales online now.

i know i should be studying but i'm not. if brit lit has taught me anything, it has taught me not to be cocky about english, but fuck it. i took the multiple choice part, i read everything on the syllabus, how hard can the essays be? i will flip through notes while walking to school or something.

i'm making some pecan delight "pies" to bring to work tomorrow. i feel bad that i scarfed at potluck day but didn't bring anything. granted, it wasn't my fault... no one told me and people kept insisting i eat, but hey, whatever. i'm my mother's daughter. don't go to dinner or anything else without bringing something!!

speaking of whom, i really hope she remembers to pick me up at the airport on monday.

anyway, what else? i threw away all of my chem notes and it felt really good to watch them sink into the dumpster and know that they will never again be a part of my life.

i should start packing my shit to go home. not taking much - i've got clothes and books there, and my lappie is broken, so it's really just the toothbrush and cell phone charger, i guess. but i would like to at least put all my stuff away because hopefully we will find someone to live here for the month so we don't throw away a month's rent while at home. i don't need some weirdo going through my bras or something.

chub chub

how is it possible that i've gained the "married" weight without being married? grrrr. this morning my black pants are tight, which means i have to buy a BIGGER pair before the company party tomorrow. gah! i did some crunches and had slimfast for breakfast and this might become obsessive, or it might not if they have good food at that party. we'll see.

britain is giving me permission to blame it on the beau.

Boyfriends blamed for women's weight gain from PhysOrg.com

Moving in with a boyfriend and breaking up with a
boyfriend cause women to gain weight, British researchers say. [...]

but i ate badly before i even met him, so that doesn't work.

two finals down, one left. chem is over and it wasn't too bad. i know i at least got the 30 or 40 points i need for a 'B.' tomorrow is the essay portion of brit lit and i'm in the clear.

this morning the intelligent, spiritual jerk in my class gave his presentation. he apologized for being a jerk during the semester and attributed it to getting bad news mid-semester and projecting his feelings into class. he then gave an awesome presentation on eastern philosophy and martial arts. he told us that humans have infinite potential that we don't utilize and he demonstrated by breaking wood blocks with the palm of his hand. he talked about the upper and lower mind, the importance of morality and, should we choose, spirituality, and some other things as well. i really enjoyed it.

another funny thing - there's a catholic 20-year-old actor in my class and he has brought jesus up often since we have been studying the bible. he brought up the idea of beowulf as a christ-figure last and apparently that's what he wrote his paper on. the end of the semester must have gotten to him, however, because he wrote "jesus" throughout the paper instead of "beowulf." the professor gave us an excerpt: "there are several reasons why jesus should not be considered a christ-like figure." we were all laughing. a classmate said, "dude, did you disprove christianity?" we told him the pope will be after him and he said, "i think i'm the most wanted man in christendom after that essay."

almost there

you know what pisses me off? literary mags/journals/ zines/blah/blah/blah that don't accept email submissions. um, what century are you in, friend?

anyway, i found out that i definitely have my 'C' in chemistry, even if i decide not to take the final, but i am only like 40 points away from a 'B'. the final is worth 120 points and a homework (that i have already completed) is worth 20 so i'm thinking i should get a 'B.' i won't do that badly on the final. she gave us a little "cheat card" that we can write whatever we want on, and i write small when it counts.

took part 1 of brit lit final today and it wasn't hard at all. thursday is the essay part, that will be a pain. also have to finish a stupid paper on how i would make one of the works we read into a movie. sounds fun, you say. no, because she won't let us be creative or anything. we have to replicate the exact work. what is the point then? you ask. damned if i know.

there's an older woman in my world lit class and on monday she kept telling me that she loved my article in the paper. she also said that she clipped it out and is going to laminate it for me! i was like, wow, are you sure? and she said that she has all the necessary materials at her job and it's no big deal. nice people are awesome.

two years too blue

life is strange sometimes. today is the two year anniversary and as i was reading last year's entry, i realized that once again i am up early in a house alone, thinking and writing.

i broke down a little bit last night and probably will again before the day is over, but i am in a better place than i was last year, i think.

it is still very hard. it pops up all the time. when i sat down to take my chemistry test i thought about my mom, dad and i hanging out, some specific time that we will never relive, and then i had to push it out and say, "not now, i can't think of that now," and move on to take the test. sometimes i still cannot do that. last night i forced boyfriend to watch rudolph and frosty the snowman and when frosty melted, i just totally cried, but i wasn't crying because the cartoon snowman was a puddle of water - although that is pretty depressing - but because christmases will never involve my father the way they used to. i mean, we still see him but he is never home with us to open presents around the tree and walk in front of the video camera while mom is trying tape and so she yells at him, laughingly, to get his butt out of the way.

i am very lucky because last year i had fellow seeker and this year i have boyfriend and as long as i never spend december 9's alone, i should be okay.

and thanks to all my friends who aren't physically with me on this day, but who are with me anyhow. i love you.

in print

boyfriend has been suggesting all week - whether jokingly or not, i am not sure - that we get up at 5:30 this morning to wait for the paper boy and read my article as soon as it gets to the house. well, this morning i rolled over and looked at my phone. he stirred and asked, groggily, "what time is it?" "5:13," i replied. he went back to sleep. i tried to, but couldn't, so i crept downstairs.

the paper wasn't here yet, so i went to the website and found my article. at first i couldn't find it and worried they had postponed it (which wouldn't be a big deal if my entire class and coworkers weren't looking for it today). then i found it. i was really disappointed in the picture - major yuck - but when i heard the paper hit the ground outside our sliding side door minutes later, i saw that it is so small and black-and-white in the actual paper that it's not too bad. in the actual paper, i look cute if pudgy. on the website, i look like the blob that may or may not eat austin. but that's okay, life is short and i am not going to punish myself for having gained some weight after leaving italy. i can't help it if all i did there was walk in the heat and drink water! *sucks in cheeks* damn you, barbie.

tomorrow my article comes out. double yay. triple, even.

this morning my world lit prof embarrassed me a little. he was like, "hey, when is your article coming out?" and i was like, "um... tomorrow." he wrote it on the board and made like three announcements to the class that everyone has to buy the paper tomorrow and read it. i was like, "ohhhh.. please don't write it on the board." so red-faced!

naturally the airhead girl in my class that angers everyone with her presence exclaimed, "i'm only reading it if it's good... hehehe joking!" what a yutz.

i am pretty excited, though. me in black and white print.

also, that website sent me my first book to review. free books and publication of my reviews. score, baby.

today was potluck day at work but i didn't know because i'm never there. was tipped off by a coworker and my boss and when i went into the conference room - wowww. i mean, there was all kinds of food and then there were all manner of desserts. i was eating brownies and chocolate covered peanut butter balls and crazy stuff like that. yum.

my buddy from class - the one i went to a couple of movies and the open mic with - and i are going to hang out thursday night because we will both be finished with finals then. she said she wants to hang out before i go home for the holidays because she has a christmas present for me. isn't that sweet? her birthday just passed so i am thinking a birthday/christmas present from home when i return in january. i know it will be late but she's never been there, and why would i just buy her something from here when that would be cooler?

this weekend is going to be a bitch but i'm feeling fine at the moment.

hee hee

jesus is my kinda guy.

c is for cookie

dio mio. i took my chemistry test yesterday and failed it (high 40's, i assume, after she marked the written part of my test that couldn't be graded immediately like the scantron). retook it today and got at least in the 80's (i know i got the written part right now as well). phew. that was a close one. that was the last retest i was allowed if i still wanted a "B." i don't know if i will get one but it is possible. my average in the class so far is 87, with this new 80-ish grade and if i do well on the final it could happen. otherwise, i will take my "C" and run.

i had to email my boss and ask if i could cut back on my hours during finals week so that i don't have a nervous breakdown because that's not good for anybody, right? he was cool about it, said no prob.

speaking of "C"s, that's what i got on my last brit lit paper. i am not joking. i wish i were. i have never gotten a "C" on a paper in my life, LET ALONE IN ENGLISH, MY MAJOR. i was flabbergasted but not surprised because she's so tough. i spoke to her about it. for example, i was arguing a point and whenever i described what happened in the book she wrote that i shouldn't give a summary. i asked her, "how can i prove my point without summarizing what happened?" anyway, she just wanted me to have written it differently, and i can see her points now, although i think a "C" was rash. she told me that i'm a good student and not to worry about the "C" affecting me very much, "it was just a..." and she motioned to slap my hand. i wish she had slapped my hand rather than give me a "C" but whatever.

i told my mom that she can look forward to me laying around the house pretty much the whole time i'm there for the holidays. i guaranteed christmas-cookies-eating and reading for hours on end. i'm nearly salivating thinking about it, i'm so tired.

ohhhh i forgot to tell you, they were unable to get my laptop working so out of the goodness of their hearts they are only going to charge me $75 for not fixing it. that's $75 to get my broken laptop returned to me. i don't have money to buy a new one anytime soon unless i start selling my body or something.

end of the semester is killing me. grrrr, i say.

1 chem test (and a retest if my stupidity is reflected in the grade), 1 chem final, 1 2-day brit lit final, 1 final brit lit paper, 1 final world lit paper, 1 chem lab, 2 chem homeworks.

did i mention work as well?

bah. i'm so crabby. why does aunt flo have to coincide with the end of the semester? bah.

i had a hell of a time trying to explain why boyfriend doesn't celebrate christmas to kid sister #1 last night. i was wondering, do i go with the american v. indian angle or the christian v. hindu angle? in the end i decided that despite santa claus, it really is a christian holiday, and non-american christians celebrate it, so i took the religion angle. she was still confused. i tried to explain that our family is christian and she said "my friend james has a sister with that name!" i was like "no sweetheart, that's kristen." i need to find some kind of kiddie book on this stuff.

that being said, i asked kid sister #2 what she wanted for christmas and she said, "i like barbie." oh the horror! so i went online to find some kind of feminist alternative to barbie, like maybe an anatomically correct doll or a full-figured barbie that's not rosie o'donnell but i couldn't find a damn thing. you would have thought some femme company would have done this for their daughters by now. maybe they have but haven't successfully done the google keyword thing.

i grew up with barbies and i turned out okay but i still have urges to cut off pounds of my flesh on bad days, so who knows what the psychological effects were... they don't need that shit. it's like that guy who proved that segregation was psychologically damaging by asking black children which dolls were more attractive, the black ones or the white ones (they said white) as well as which ones they personally identified with (many of them cried and became upset at being associated with the black doll). i didn't have barbie's body as a child and i never will, so who needs it. then you wind up a wacko like this chick.

anyway, blogging is my escape from the reality of academia, which is why i am so long-winded today.

i got really excited last night when i saw that the show "house" has a new commercial playing, what song?? jars of clay's work!! ahhhhh :) the funny thing is, that's my ring tone, and my phone started ringing during the commercial. same song!

you know you've got your mind in tons of different places when you find yourself in the shower with your glasses still on.

open mic

i am on a great high tonight. i just got home from the reading which was frickin awesome. i had a lot of fun. i read two poems, but i would have to say that the thing i am most proud of is using the f-word. i wasn't going to read that poem because i'm a goody two shoes and professors would be there, but then a couple of men - professors included - used the f-word and i thought, women can express sexuality too, dammit, so i'm going to read it. the professor who coordinated it liked that part of the poem and laughed loudly.

then i come home tonight to find emails from the editor of the ovaries book not only giving me permission to have the event, but instructions on how to get her out here to co-host with me. aaahhh!! only thing is i have no money to do this so will take serious planning and marketing and getting help, but i will do it. i want it enough.

damn i'm excited.

when the moon hits your eye

madonna, am i lazy. i took one look at the pre-lab assignment, said "fuck no," and skipped lab. i will regret this on wednesday when i have to make the lab up, but who cares?

now i'm sitting here jamming (yes, jamming) to jars of clay's latest and eating crappy frozen pizza.

this saturday my story will be in the paper! yay!

la dee da

did my presentation this morning. went really well. prof guaranteed me an 'A' in the class but told me not to stop coming. no problem-o.

i will miss that class. bar a few annoying people it was really fun and awesome. i love being surrounded by smart people who are passionate about the same things you are.

on pg. 84 of arabian nights, a 428 pg. book. two weeks left until the book club meeting to discuss. doubt i will finish but will get as far as i can - it's great.

have put biff aside because (1) don't have to discuss until end of december and am almost done and (2) want to save something i really love for plane reading when i go home. i never have a great book on a plane; they're always mediocre and i read for five minutes then stop. this time will be different!

tonight is an open mic reading at the local coffeehouse. my friend from class is reading some of her stuff and invited me. think my prof will be there too. i will definitely go but am a bit nervous about my writing. the only stuff i don't think is crap is a bit too personal to read. well, maybe not, but i'm a big baby. will let you know.

that takes ovaries!

yes, yes yes! she shouts like the orgasmic woman in the herbal essences commercials. boyfriend and i brought my laptop to be fixed today. 2-3 business days and my baby is back!!!

the little teeny pin inside where you plug it in to charge broke, and $175. why don't you rip me a new one while you're at it?

this weekend is dedicated to studying for a chem test and preparing my most excellent monday presentation on the amazon women. archaeological evidence has surfaced to prove that they existed. i never knew that - thought they were only a myth - and this has been perhaps the most fun project i have ever taken on for school (or anywhere). unbelievable stuff. if you're lucky, maybe i will summarize when i'm done.

okay, so i read "that takes ovaries!" which is a collection of stories about bold, brazen women (play on "that takes balls!") including everything from fighting racism and sexism to taking on what no other girl would in gym class. awesome book. at the end of the book, the editor discussed possibilities for holding your own "that takes ovaries!" event. you can do an open mike/reading where you read a couple of the stories then let women tell their own (or men tell stories about great women they know). i got really excited and want to have one that is also a fundraiser. would you like to know why? (not for the faint of heart, she warns.)

i know that i get on various "kicks," such as my animals rights/vegetarianism kick, and right now i am concerned about women's rights abroad. firstly, female genital mutilation is a horror that maims young girls in africa. sex abuse is also a widespread problem there (don't read that one unless you're prepared to cry your eyes out; i made the mistake of reading it at work). honor killings in the middle east and elsewhere have to go too.

i'm not being ethnocentric or requiring that other cultures become like the west or like the u.s. - i think that's a bunch of crap. this is not about culture, however; it is about human rights. i feel like i have to do something. i could make a donation but that would just be whatever small amount i can afford, and it would be nice to have a large event and really raise something that will make a larger difference.

anyway, i have applied for registration to the TTO people. let's cross our fingers that it all works out.

i was on the bus on the way to work yesterday and this woman was coughing up a lung. i'm not saying that to be funny, seriously... it sounded like it had to be at least one of the major organs. she just kept coughing away, covering her mouth just barely, for 20 minutes straight. at first i felt sorry for her but after a while i was having flashbacks from "the stand."

december has begun and you know what that means: new yummy-licious magazine issues. check out estella's revenge if you want to read about my dysfunctional family and girlistic! just because it kicks ass.

also, those of you who write should really think of submitting to estella's revenge. we need more contributors to stay alive, folks. i want to see this mag around a long time because i love it, and i'm not just saying that because my writing is in there.

just in time for the holidays

ladies and gentlemen, for the single among us, i present the boyfriend pillow and the girlfriend pillow.

ketchup

i have been wanting to blog quite often but it just hasn't been happening. feels like it's been forever when it has probably only been a few days.

i am sitting in the cafe at school, "blogging" on paper for later and waiting for my probably crappy $3.99 pizza. number sixty-six. they will call me soon.

i will miss this school; i like my professors and most of the students. next semester i'm taking all my classes online so i can work more hours each week.

lots to tell you. went for my photo shoot, which was a bit awkward because it was so photo shoot-y. large, dark room with photographer lights and a solitary stool for my tush. i really hope i didn't look like a dork. i tried not to.

the newspaper office lived up to what you would imagine - an enormous sea of desks, no cubicles, just packed in. there must have been 200 on that floor alone, and papers, books, and all kinds of crap, sometimes spilling over, was piled on every one. true reporters. i saw one editing the layout of the sports page as i walked past. others stood around telling jokes. it was pretty cool.

boyfriend thinks i would make a good journalist. i'm not so sure, though. i dunno.

this pizza is, surprisingly, not bad. (if you had tasted the fried rice i once bought here, you'd be surprised too.) i just don't understand one of the girls who works here. she asked what kind of pizza i wanted and when i said "plain" she looked confused. she asked, "cheese?" yes dear, cheese.

i once tried to order a croissant from here; boy was that fun.

her: a what?
me: a croissant.
her: what??
me: A CROISSANT
her: *thinking* oh, you mean a CROISS-AAAAANT?

she pronounced it as you would "rant" or "slant." okay, i don't need you to discuss shakespeare or molecular theory with me, but you should know how to pronounce croissant. it's on burger king commercials for crying out loud.

i bought this pretty lipstick for my photo shoot and it was one of those that makes false promises about staying on all day, even after you eat. naturally, i assumed it was bullshit but this one means it, and how. i ate, drank, brushed my teeth, wiped it off with tissue, the works, but this shit won't come off. i'm still wearing yesterday's application. this morning i woke up and started brushing with my white toothbrush and the handle became pink. holy shit, industrial strength lipstick!!

i went to a poetry reading last night at the local independent (read: coolest on the planet) bookstore. it was given by my world lit professor and the dean of arts and humanities, both of whom have recently published collections of their poetry. it was kick ass. i listened to verses about angels and devils and fixing trucks. this is why i love austin.

i was going to go to an "ethical society" meeting this morning - you know, humanism and pastries - but my tummy hurt so i stayed home. boyfriend and i are going to spend our afternoon in a coffee shop by the lake so we can get some work done. sounds like a fun sunday activity.

i had been wondering how i would work up the nerve to ask my mom if i could have my car in the spring. it will be expensive to ship it so i thought maybe boyfriend and i could road trip it across country. i mean, i'm tired of hopping across the highway on foot, man. but i wasn't sure if she would go for it. this morning, we're talking on the phone and to my surprise she says, "so what's your plan? you're home for the holidays, then you're moving back to texas? how long will you be there, a year?" i said, "well, at least until the summer, then i don't know." so she says, "why don't you take your car? it's just sitting here." (it's really her car but she uses the family car and this one has always been "my" car.) "well, yeah, i was going to ask you about that, mom. i need to look into how much it would cost to ship..." "nah, that's too expensive, why don't you just drive down?"

i was shocked and pleased. i don't know if we will actually do it but it's good to have the option.

baked zit-i

of course i get a prominent zit on my nose a couple of days before having my picture taken to be in the newspaper. OF COURSE!

i am thankful for...

ahhhh. i feel fat and intoxi. not tipsy intoxi, just the kind that comes after a couple of glasses when you feel like you're floating. happily floating.

maybe i'm just high on having eaten turkey, not tofurkey. they didn't have tofurkey so i said fuck it. like i said, can't eat meat all the time, but i can like twice a month, which is the rate i'm at now. boyfriend and i ate and watched football alternated with a cary grant/doris day movie and the thanksgiving episodes of roseanne, and now we are pretty much passed out.

i am thankful for...

...family that loves and supports me



...boyfriend that loves and supports me



...friends that love and support me



...living in america* ...1st amendment, yayyyy



...books



...having enough food each day to complain about being fat



...good job, nice coworkers



...public libraries



...vanilla almond bark-flavored tofutti



...birkenstocks



...my fellowship



...good weather



*post on patriotism and anti-americanism and all my thoughts on both to come soon

t-day

we can't go to my boss's house for dinner because i'm still sick. rats.

talked to the family this morning and yes, was a little sad about not being home, but i will be there soon. boyfriend ran out to whole foods to buy us thanksgiving dinner so i will not feel that bad while munching tofurkey and potatoes.

booo germs.

achoo

still sick. blah. i feel so yucky. must get better before thanksgiving tomorrow!

i am pretty excited. every saturday the newspaper features "faith" stories. i wrote and submitted one and they just contacted me that they want to use it two weeks from now. they asked me to go to their office so they can take my picture. yay!

it is actually a nice story; i was not hyper-critical or anything. it's in the same vein as my pilgrim's progress post. future priest will be proud.

so glad i'm not traveling home for thanksgiving; looks like the airports are a mess.

i wish i could just feel better already. i have to send boyfriend to the library to pick up my items on hold. (i cannot wait until after thanksgiving weekend! i reserved the movie version of "the mahabharata," a documentary on amazons and a book by groucho!!) why don't libraries deliver? is this not the 21st century?

argh

i am so sick of chemistry. i give and i give and i get... a 62. fuck you valence-shell electron-pair repulsion theory. just give me my cee and let me move on with my life.

1 corinthians 13

my dear friend the traveler reminded me about these verses the other day so i went and reread them. gosh! i want to print them out and stick em up on my wall, they're so lovely.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

paul got it right sometimes, at least. now if only we could do something about that "women, shut up" part.

sister, sister

my sister and her boyfriend recently broke up. she usually goes through boyfriends fairly quickly, but beneath her tough, hard-as-nails exterior she is pretty sensitive, and she always takes it very hard. this time is no exception.

she rarely ever lets down the tough exterior with me, but since she has been broken up and vulnerable, we have grown remarkably closer. she actually calls me... often. she never used to call me and would ask, "what do you want?" when i called her. now she calls, albeit to bitch about the ex, but also to tell me about a new guy she met who might get her mind off the old one, or about something stupid her friend did. it is very cool! nothing could make me happier. i am nervously counting down the days until she finds a new boyfriend and dumps me altogether. heh, "dumps me." that's funny.

i'm not sikh, i'm hindu

blah. sick in bed. had to miss three classes today, just couldn't do it. sniffles = exacerbated plus an overall feeling of weakness that is preventing me from walking around the house much, let alone walking to school.

last night's meeting was fun. only two people came but they were two cool people from our first meeting so it didn't matter. my tzatziki came out okay, but not good enough to compel me to make it again when you can get it at the store, man. i actually fell asleep in the afternoon so boyfriend cleaned the apartment and ordered greek appetizers so all would be ready in time, before waking me. he's such a sweetie.

we decided to read 'the arabian nights' for december. ambitious of us, i know. it's like 900-1000 pgs or something. at least we will have fun choosing a restaurant.

i am reading an excellent book on amazon women that everyone should read. it's in the side bar, over there --> called "on the trail of the women warriors." man, i'm just loving it! my presentation for class is going to be kick ass (no pun intended ;)

tongue twister

sufjan stevens' songs are super soothing.

say that 5x fast.

ooh a meme!

stolen from andi.

What part of the past would you bring back if you possibly could?

my sanity.

What character trait would you alter if you could?

overly-sensitive. makes me hard to live with, i'm sure.

Which skill would you like to have the time and energy to really work on?

i would become a better writer. no matter how much i work on it and how proud i am of a finalized piece of work, i inevitably get sick of it and think it's crap. *shrug*

Are you money poor, love poor, time poor or freedom poor?

i don't think i'm any of those, fortunately. i could use more money, but who couldn't? doesn't make me poor.

What element of your partner’s character would you alter if you could?

he reads this, dude, my hands are tied. nothing, he's perfect. *bats eyelashes innocently*

What three things are you going to do next year that you’ve been meaning to do for ages but never got around to?

submit my work more and hopefully get published more.
graduate!!! finally!!!
start seriously looking into graduate programs.

If your fairy godmother gave you three wishes, what would you wish for?

1 - a backbone for mommy (ouch, that sounds nasty, but it's not, i assure you.)
2 - the ability to see sisters and friends whenever i want, regardless of where i'm living
3 - the means and freedom to travel as often as i want. i miss italia!! (and want badly to go to other places.)

What one thing would you change about your living conditions?

i would lower the rent. we love this place but in the new year we either need to move or get a *gulp* roommate. it's either pay up or shut up, i suppose.

How could the quality of your free time be improved?

i could study more. i generally work hard but sometimes i get lazy and it's hard to shake.

What change have you made to your life recently that you’re most proud of?

i am very proud of moving out of my house, out of my city, and beginning my life with boyfriend. it was toxic for me back there and this helps my family relationships more than hurts them.

ahhhh weekends :)

yesterday my boss invited boyfriend and i to go to his house for thanksgiving. how nice is that?? i think he feels sorry for me, being so far away from my family and all. i am going to make my pecan dessert dish, woohoo. i am glad that we're going because i was just going to cook for the two of us, and boyfriend isn't american so thanksgiving doesn't mean anything to him anyway. now we can properly celebrate stealing the land from the "indians" ;)

tomorrow is the book club meeting. we are doing greek-themed potluck at my apartment because we read "the secret history." excited :) i hope my tzatziki comes out okay.

yesterday i brought cookies to the office and instantly became a hit. i think i might be the most popular now. although by monday everyone will forget.

the library in my 'hood is right next to the courthouse and prison. there is a large park in between the library and these establishments, and all the homeless people chill there. there is sometimes a truck giving out food.

so i was in the library this afternoon. i sat down with issues of sojourners (barack obama's ideas on religion in america intrigued me, but i got bored fast) and bookmarks (is that the name of the magazine with all the book recommendations?), when i became perturbed by some people in the mag section conversing fairly loudly for a library. i tried to shrug it off but it distracted me, so i did what anyone would do - i eavesdropped. from the snippets i got, i soon realized that they were two homeless people.

man: "and that was when he beat you up?"
woman: "no, he beat me up before then."
man: "do you still have bruises?"

man: "let me tell you, when you're out there and hungry, and they start giving out food, you don't care what it is. it could be peanut butter, whatever. it tastes good."

it blew my mind. talk about real-life problems. poor people.

pilgrim's progress, pt. 1

i am going to hearken back to the days when this blog was about my spiritual journey, just for today, me darlings.

c.s. lewis once wrote about the fact that everyone has this feeling of longing towards something, and whether we realize it or not, that is our longing towards heaven and being connected to god. i cannot speak for everyone, obviously, but i know that i have that feeling. whether it regards heaven and god, as lewis postulates, i have not yet decided, but in my born-again christian days, that's how i interpreted it. long before i even read lewis.

at times that feeling would grow stronger. it seemed like i could touch what i was aiming at, but that only intensified the desire. this would happen whenever i got out of the city and into a pastoral setting, or while being alone on incredibly sunny days, or listening to certain songs (christian or otherwise), or being with certain kinds of people.

now that i am technically not a christian, or at least the kind i used to be, i don't know how to channel that feeling. i no longer look at it as, "yay, i'm going to heaven someday." it's just a feeling that i don't know will ever be fulfilled. if true love and having a good job and having amazing friends and all that hasn't yet fulfilled it, what ever could, short of something supernatural and miraculous?

and it is interesting to me that i am still deeply touched by certain christian "stuff." i had to read excerpts from john bunyan's "the pilgrim's progress" last night for brit lit. i had read the book years ago, as a christian, and while growing up, my mother used to show us the cartoon version of it. the story is a huge part of me. so i was reading and i read the lines that have always gotten to me more than any other. hopeful says to christian,

"Be of good cheer,

Jesus Christ maketh thee whole."

see, christian is swimming in the river of death, trying to get to heaven, but it is too scary for him and he thinks he is drowning. yet when hopeful gives him this reminder, he is able to do it, and he makes it to the celestial city.

that line is so beautiful i can't stand it.

more to come on this in part two.

new girl crush

liz phair kicks serious ass.

"Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you?"

"You think that I go home at night
Take off my clothes, turn out the lights
But I burn letters that I write
To you, to make you love me

Yeah, I drive naked through the park
And run the stop sign in the dark
Stand in the street, yell out my heart
To make, to make you love me"

"You're like my favorite underwear
It just feels right, you know it"

"And whatever happened to a boyfriend
The kind of guy who tries to win you over?
And whatever happened to a boyfriend
The kind of guy who makes love 'cause he's in it?

And I want a boyfriend
I want a boyfriend
I want all that boring old shit like letters and sodas
Letters and sodas"

sentimental mush

boyfriend and i live together. we are together when we wake up and when we go to sleep, together on weekends and holidays and sick days. so i'm having lunch during a break from class and i decide that i'm not ready enough for chem lab today. decide to go home and make up the lab on wednesday. text him my decision. he texts me back that he had to stop at the house real quick, but he has to leave in 10 minutes so hurry up so he can hug me.

and i do. i saw him this morning, i will see him this evening, i see him every day, but i hurry. i walk as fast as i can with my heavy books and my sweat dripping down in the texas sun. i walk this way for blocks and blocks just to make it in time. after being together for close to a year and a half, i still do it. after living together for months and seeing each other day and night, i still do it.

it's things like that that let you know that you are undoubtedly with the right person.

the weekend's almost over. *sigh*

yesterday boyfriend and i went to the mall for clothes shopping. oh, yes, clothes shopping. i am always such a joy in these matters. after the trauma was over, we went to this really nice indian restaurant. we haven't had indian food in such a long time - only once since we've been here these past three months - and it was very good and a beautiful place overall.

i can't get used to this daylight savings thing. it gets dark at like 6, pitch black by 6:30. i'm falling asleep every day at 9:30 or so! last night we came home and i conked out at 8:30. 8:30 p.m.

looking forward to thanksgiving. my first thanksgiving away from home. i'm going to make my mom's dishes (except turkey :P) for boyfriend and i, and we will possibly swap food and hang out with his friends upstairs.

female genital cutting

sign your name, stop the atrocities.

phooey

phooey on waking up too early, and phooey on laptops that break down.

i have a brit lit test today. i feel more confident about this one than the last one (b+) so hopefully that is telling.

punished for being female

this is exactly what i wrote about, only i didn't go global, i only really referenced the u.s.

yipee

i'm published - column, painting, photography and all :) those of you who know me and want the link can have it.

psalm 1, as i remember it

blessed is she who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
nor stand in the way of sinners
nor sit in the seat of scoffers
but her delight is on the law of the lord
and on that law she meditates day and night.

she shall be like a tree planted by streams of water
which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither
whatever she does prospers.

not so are the wicked
they are like the chaff that the wind blows away
therefore the wicked shall not stand in the judgment
nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.

for the lord watches over the way of the righteous
but the way of the wicked shall perish.

pages and pages

sore back day numero due. i tried icy hot yesterday - man that stuff burns!! - but i'm still in pain. boyfriend is threatening to coat me in it again today but i don't wanna, and if that's childish, so be it.

the website i mentioned is going to be mailing me a book to start out with, so i can do my reviewing soon. this is good because after finishing the secret diary, i am not reading any fiction that is thrilling me. ishmael is a let-down because i hate reading about teacher-student exchanges. that's what killed sophie's world for me. the book itself was great, but i couldn't stick with it. same thing here. this damn gorilla will be explaining the same stupid things to the same stupid man throughout the whole book and it's already killing me.

the books i'm reading on writing, though, are fabulous. FAB-YOU-LUSS. and i'm bored with school, but that happens. so i hope and pray they send me something good to review.

didn't quite make it to the movies today because i have a very sore back :(

in bed right now, trying to read 2 samuel and paradise lost for school but keep getting distracted by books i want to read.

i think it's ice cream time.

set your eyes to zion

so things finally blew up in class today. the guy i mentioned said, "i apologize for my anti-zionist - people may think they were anti-semitic, but they were anti-zionist... people mix those two up all the time but they're not the same thing, my people are semitic as well - comments," but when later on he started in on jesus, a catholic in my class got pissed. that's the rough thing with some smart people, they think that their ideas are the only valid ones. it has moved on from being interesting, stimulating debate to being a hindrance, in my opinion.

man, we need to go food shopping. our fridge consists of mustard, maple syrup, and dried apricots. i'm not sure how many meals you can make out of that, but i'm pretty sure it's in the single digits.

i am getting so bored with my brit lit class... i don't know why. i like the professor and i like some of what we read, but i suppose i am getting into this contemporary faze and not into reading classics. no, that can't be right, because i am still loving my world lit class. i don't know.

i wanted to write about something that i find fairly interesting and that is the perception of jews today. before i say anything, however, i want to preface it with a little bit of modesty topos. unfortunately, i only really began keeping up with the news a couple of years ago. before then, i didn't know very much about world issues. what i knew was what i heard, and although it can be argued that media is biased, opinions of regular people in your life are usually even more so. hence, i do not know very much about the history of israeli-palestinian conflict, and consequently, i don't favor one side over the other. it would be presumptuous of me to have an opinion or to take a side when i don't know all the facts.

as i said before, i always went on what i heard, and being in a predominantly christian circle for most of my life, i always heard pro-israel. the arguments i heard were that arabs/muslims had plenty of countries - hell, they had the whole middle east - and israel should have a place of their own. this was not fair simply because of ratio. everyone sided with israel because they are "god's chosen people" and that's why they have so many problems. everyone picks on them for this reason. they don't do anything wrong.

so anyway, we are reading the old testament in class - 1 and 2 samuel. we are looking at saul, but mostly david, as a hero figure. what does heroism mean? is there a code of conduct? stuff like that. we have determined that, more so than in other texts, in the old testament, obedience to god is the primary thing. nothing comes before it. even if you have good intentions, if you don't do what god tells you to do, you screwed up. big time. it was also hard to ignore god telling them to kill surrounding tribes, "both man and woman, child and infant," like, every five minutes.

anyway, while discussing the story, we obviously discuss the culture and history that surrounds it. there is a muslim man in my class who is extremely smart. he's so smart, it frightens me. he is interested in religion, but he is not just informed about islam. he knows about judaism, christianity, eastern religions - everything. it is so interesting to listen to him talk. he's great, man.

the thing that bothered me a little was the fact that he made several ... i won't call them anti-semitic, but perhaps anti-israel? ... comments during the class discussions. he said that the jews have always had this offensive idea about being god's chosen ones. he said that israel has always been like a hermit crab, going around and living on other people's land, and that they are learning what the u.s. is now learning: that when you take over other people's land, they try to kill you. and several other comments to this effect. our professor told him that he was making judgments and he laughed and said, "i'm not the teacher. i don't have to be politically correct."

these comments bothered me, but the issue of why they bothered me is the interesting part. did they bother me because they were wrong? no. i am not saying that they were right, but as i stated before, i don't have enough knowledge of the history to say, definitively, that he was wrong. that is not what upset me.

i was upset mainly because he didn't know if anyone in the room was jewish. i may not be jewish, but my great grandmother was. it really isn't considerate to make such strong remarks against a group of people in mixed company. if we had talked about islam and i had made strong remarks against muslims, i bet he would have flipped. i know people think we go too far with political correctness, and perhaps we do, but i see a great necessity for it on some level. maybe we wouldn't need it in a perfect world, but in a world full of hatred, it doesn't hurt.

the fact that my great grandmother was jewish contributes to my defensiveness of them, but that is not all. i am a product of the judeo-christian tradition. i cannot separate the judeo from the christian. when i read those bible stories, i didn't think of the israelites as the other. i thought of it as my history. the history of god's people was my history. it didn't matter that i wasn't jewish, the new testament took care of that, and so adam and eve, abraham, moses, ruth, david, esther, job, deborah... they were all my forbears.

and i don't like jews to the expense of liking muslims; i like both. one of boyfriend's friends, whom i like and get along with well, is muslim. he came over for a couple of minutes the other day and saw the bible on the table. he said, "what are you reading, the bible?" and then we talked for a bit about it. he said that stories about jesus are in the koran too. i was surprised; i hadn't known that. but it was not a hostile conversation at all. he didn't say, "ew, why are you reading this?"

i guess i was just wondering whether i was upset for the right reasons. i wasn't upset because i was on the opposing side of the israeli-palestinian conflict; i'm not on a side. i wasn't really upset for professional/scholarly/whatever reasons. i was upset for emotional reasons. and did i really have a right to be, seeing as i'm not jewish?

so i was pissed because i got between a 56 and a 66 on my chemistry test on monday, so i retook it today and got 100% on the multiple choice (which means between a 90 and a 105). i was shocked. can you believe it? how crazy is that??

halloween was cool. my colleagues came up with some crazy costumes including william wallace from braveheart, playboy bunnies with hugh hefner (who was really a woman), a whoopee cushion, a streaker, etc. by the time i got home, however, i was really stressed out over a bad commute and conked out at 9.30. no joke. woke up this morning at 7. it was nice... wish i could do that every night. i'm a morning person by far.

i need to write. i get these sudden urges all the time and i just need to write, man.

so i studied for my chem test, took it today, was sure that i had aced it, and i only got 12 questions right out of 19. how did that happen? there is another 10-point question that has to be manually graded so i have to wait for that. but, honestly, wtf? i can retake it but will that really help when i was certain i got all those answers right?

office halloween party tomorrow, wondering if i should skip brit lit and spend the day at work and bring some cupcakes and kiss some ass, or not. i probably will.

actually, i'm not much of an ass-kisser... i'm too shy. if i stay in my cubicle and people don't talk to me, i'm fine. not because i don't like people, just because i'm afraid i'll say something stupid.

we're reading the bible (1 and 2 samuel, story of david) for my tales of heroism class and i just can't get myself to look at it from an unbiased viewpoint. i mean, this is not literature man, this is my life up until the age of 18. it's pretty weird.

i have been bitten by the e-zine bug, on and off, for a while now. it would be cool because: a) forces me to write and write well for an audience and i can possibly submit my articles to publications afterwards, and b) i guess that's about it. but every time i get excited about it, i stop and change my mind. then change it back. it's kind of unrealistic for a couple of reasons. numero uno - i don't want to spend money on a domain name if this thing will flop, so it would be hosted on blogger or somewhere equally cheesy (no offense blogger). plus, i only know really basic html anyway, and i don't have frontpage. numero due - i don't have a wellspring of talented writers to tap into for work. it can't just be my writing; that's snobby and conceited and self-centered and boring and, well, a blog. but, for example, andi started a super-cool 'zine because she knew a lot of talented writers. i would have to go searching (myspace? my lit class? the streets of austin?) and am not certain i would find enough/any. so, i don't know.

i'm tired. i forgot to reset the time on my cell phone and i woke up an hour early this morning. yeah, ouch.

don't worry, bee happy :)

i'm trying to study for my chemistry test but i can't help but be transfixed by the mentally challenged bee here in my room.

i left a window open (they don't have screens) and he or she made its way in. now it is climbing up one of the stuck windows that doesn't open, falling down, and climbing back up. i have opened all the other windows in the room, the noise and breeze floating in... are you telling me this bee doesn't realize there's another way out?

i could create a metaphor for equally misguided human behavior but i'm not in the mood.

i saw marie antoinette last night with my friend from class and two of her sisters. i really liked it! i would have liked it more if i hadn't been so tired, but in retrospect, it was fun. i don't like kirsten dunst because her characters come off as arrogant to me, and so i expected the film to be good because marie antoinette was supposedly a spoiled queen, but i was pleasantly surprised in that sophia coppola/k.d. portrayed marie as sympathetic. you like her. you feel sorry for her. i found myself liking kirsten dunst - umm, shall we say, alternative universe?

the website i mentioned wants me as a book reviewer. yayyy... consistent publication of my writing and free books. just don't ask me where the time is going to come from.

what can i say? i get bored easily.

brit lit was cancelled today, which was the best surprise ever. it's not that i don't like the class, but i was having one of those days and really didn't want to go. dragged myself, saw the empty classroom, the note... it was beautiful. went to the library in celebration, skimmed the latest issue of the writer magazine and borrowed the art of creative nonfiction by lee gutkind.

this weekend is the texas book festival, which means that writers such as gore vidal, maureen dowd, and stephanie klein (yay - i missed her the first time around), as well as political rockstars such as barack obama will be in town. oh yes. it's like christmas for bookgeeks.

what else is new? well, my novel has gone to shit. i haven't really had the time, and when i have, i have spent it on other endeavors. i hope to go back to it soon, because i'm digging my protagonist a lot.

i asked mother a week ago if she really cared much if i went home for thanksgiving, considering it's so expensive. she said, "that's ok, you don't have to come," without a hint of guilt. it caught me off guard. i was like, "really?" this week, however, she has changed her mind. she offered to pay for my plane ticket, so it's not an issue of money, but i am not sure that i want to go. firstly, whether she pays for it or i pay for it, it's still kind of a waste of a few hundred considering i'm flying home a few weeks later for winter break. besides, i think it will be hard for me to see my girls for a few days and then have to explain to them that i'm leaving again. eh. i dunno.

the prestige

i saw the prestige yesterday. a friend of mine from one of my classes invited me, and since her friends work at the movie theater, we got free tickets. it was awesome! i didn't expect it to be that good. everyone should go see it. really.

what a sunday. i woke up at 11.30 and conked out at 10.00 p.m. no wonder i was up this morning at 7.30 when i didn't have to be up until 8.45. it's better this way, though. i have some work to do and i'm actually awake and fresh enough to do it :)

i was telling cool coworker during our ride home on friday that i am trying to get published anywhere i can. he told me about a website that is always looking for book reviewers and such. i applied to them and they emailed back interested. it doesn't pay but they give you free books, or cds, or movie passes or whatever, so long as you just review them when you're done. i don't know how i will find time to read more considering my two lit classes and book club, but the possibility of publication is strong and enticing. i have become obsessed. i just need to build my portfolio!!

ah. weekends are so beautiful, aren't they? every friday, an awesome coworker of mine drives me home. we have great conversations - he's a former english major - and then i get home to my honey, and the weekend begins. two days of freedom! okay, not really freedom considering all the homework and stuff, but still! i love the weekend.

i invented a new breakfast dish entitled "scrambled pancakes" this morning. long story short, we need new pans. (i made scrambled pancakes because we need new pans... i didn't wreck the pans while cooking. i know what you were thinking.)

infamous was wonderful; i really enjoyed it. it had such funny parts for such a serious subject matter.

it looks like there is the possibility of me getting a B in chemistry. 25% of my grade is the lab work, and i have a 94.2% in that area. plus my tests have come out to be like 77% and 79% with some extra points she gives us. i am hopeful.

la de da. things are just rolling along, as usual. i have been working on getting my interview with an artist for the arts/music magazine i work for. pretty excited about being published in print for the first time. that will be out in january, so i have plenty of time to remain excited until it actually happens.

meanwhile, school is good. the mahabharata rocks. it's so interesting, i'm glad we're reading it. boyfriend has been trying to teach me the correct pronounciation of the names so that i can teach the rest of my class, but it hasn't been going all that well. (it's hard!) just read dr. faustus in my brit lit class, and enjoyed that too. woohoo.

i invited the three cool book club people to go see infamous with me (the movie about truman capote). we're going tonight. happy about that as well, really want to see that movie and really don't want to be a loser in austin anymore. 2 birds, 1 stone.

you make me sick

it was so wrong.

i was watching t.v. with boyfriend and there was this crappy conservative news show on where the dude was talking about - get this - the fact that rosie o'donnell was dry humped by someone on an episode of the view. he had up and coming author chelsea handler joining in on the disgusting, blatant cheap shots taken at rosie, simply because she is overweight.

"i think part of me just died."
"excuse me, i just threw up in my mouth a little."
"how could you not be attracted to that 24-35-75 figure?"

can someone please tell me why, in a world where it is (thankfully) no longer okay to slander people based on gender, color, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion and the like - it is still totally fine to do it based on weight? why have fat jokes been lucky enough to outlive all the rest, and come out, unscathed?

chelsea handler is the author of a book entitled "my horizontal life: a collection of one-night stands." i'm not going to take shots at her or call her a whore, because i fully believe in a woman's right to be as sexually liberated and active as she chooses. however, when reading a review of her book:

"she discusses her quest for sex with a "black man," which doesn't work out because the date she finds on ChocolateSingles.com has a penis so large, she "would have had to be the size of the Lincoln Tunnel to accommodate that thing."

...i somehow think that her opinions are not much to take seriously anyway.

do yourselves and women at large a favor: boycott skinny, overly-made-up blonde women who think that their looks make them more valuable than women who have achieved much more than they could ever dream of.

(and don't think i'm letting the guy off the hook. you know me, further discussion should not be required.)

book club meeting #1 went well. only three people showed, but they were three cool people. we decided to read the secret history for november.

sister posted a recent pic of the little sister trio on my myspace profile, which has made me miss them even more, if that was possible. firstly, babies grow at an increasingly alarming rate during the first couple years of their lives, so the bambina that's 9 months old now is huge. and to think, i thought she was huge when i got back from italy in august. the others look older too. madonna!

weekends go by so fast, don't they? back to the grind tomorrow.

ah, sundays. the inevitable do-all-the-work-you-were-supposed-to-have-done-already day. it's supposed to be the day of rest, the sabbath, or at least that's how i was raised. but how can anyone truly rest on a sunday? it's crucial pre-monday homework time.

i enjoyed happenstance a lot. audrey wasn't even in it that much, and her character was depressed and a little bit of a jerk, to be honest. but all the other characters, their stories, the way fate brought them all to cross each other's paths... it was really cool. my favorite part was when this racist woman insulted algerians, not realizing the man she was talking to was algerian, and when she left the table he squashed a bug and put it in her coffee.

i really enjoy foreign films, they're fun.

writing a paper on the iliad. my class is full of pretty smart people and we always have great lit discussions. one guy said in our last class that he thinks that in our mainly monotheistic culture, he believes that celebrities have taken the place of the gods of the polytheistic religions. for example, the gods in ancient greece, sumeria, rome, etc. are not perfect, they make mistakes and act childish at times, but they are superhuman and beautiful and wonderful and something that mortals can never be like. he said that the way we obsess over "whether or not jen got new titties" is similar. maybe it's a stretch, but i can see what he means. i mean, if you step back and look at our obsession with celebrity, it is quite interesting. why do we care so much about who broke up and who slept with whom and what people we don't know are doing? because they're beautiful? because they're rich? because they're so far above the rest of us? (and are they really? come on.)

i thought it was a cool point, and he made the class laugh with his use of the word "titties." (it's a morning class, and it was unexpected. don't judge.)

woot woot

i am super excited. i wrote a piece on violence against women - the piece that the feminist mag rejected - and it is going to be published as a guest column in an online magazine run by a nonprofit org. that deals with grassroots activism, global citizenship, social issues, etc. they have over 30,000 readers each month.

this is better than saving yogurt lids! :)

on notice. again.

i should make one of these every week. screw that, every day :)

friday night at the movies

while at blockbuster the other night, boyfriend called me on my audrey tautou girl crush.

i was torn between happenstance and he loves me...he loves me not, but i decided that i would rather watch a sappy love story than a movie about love gone wrong and audrey being rejected. that would just be depressing.

tomorrow night! microwave popcorn! my couch!

i think i'm way too excited about watching a movie. i guess i am really excited about the prospect of two hours of not doing work. yeah baby.

i had a fairly good day, but i was in kind of a funk when i got home. firstly, i took my second chemistry test yesterday. there were only 12 multiple choice questions, 5 points each, totaling 60 points, and then there was a nine-part question that was worth 45 points. the only score i could get right away was my multiple choice score. i got 50%, or 6 / 12 right. i was pretty disappointed so i studied more and retook it today. i was certain i got 100% this time, but i only got 8 / 12 right. it's definitely better, and with all the calculations, i have the potential to get between a 70 and an 80 as my final score, but still. blah.

my book club meeting is this sunday. it turned out to be men and women, so that is cool. i hope i like these people. they are all new to austin, like me, so hopefully they will be as desperate for friendship as i am. i was telling boyfriend today that the people at school are not working for me socially. i don't mean that in a snobbish way, there are some really cool people i would love to hang out with, but no one is really interested and i'm not going to beg. (i can hear my mother doing mrs. seinfeld's bit: "how could anybody not like you???")

so anyway, i was in my funk, but after boyfriend and i went out for chinese food, we checked the mail on the way back into the apartment. i got a postcard from three of my italian friends who went to valencia, spain to visit another friend (these are people i worked with in venice). so i had a postcard and the four of them all signed it with "un abbraccio forte" (a strong hug) and it made me happy :)

do somethin'

ever since reading an article on energy, i have been unplugging vampire energy suckers like chargers and toasters and coffee makers when not using them.

i have been saving my yogurt lids to send in to raise 10 cents a pop for breast cancer research.

i click all the buttons on the hunger site and the others every day.

i guess i feel like i'm doing something (albeit a very small something) for others. i have a strong desire to get involved in something i care about, but i don't have money, and i don't have time. it really pisses me off.

maybe i should work in activism or for a non-profit for a couple of years before deciding what my career will be.

carry me, i'm just a dead (wo)man

i should probably be doing some work, but i can't motivate myself. i stayed home from school yet again because i don't feel well. this is the worst month in the history of months. i have decided that there is no way that god is a woman. what a shame.

last night we went to the jars concert. sure, it was jam-packed with WASPs, primarily (but not limited to) 12-16 and 40-45 years of age. one guy tried to invite us to his church and bible study, which annoyed me. (they're a christian band but they're mainstream as well. do you have to assume every fan is a christian? go talk to the teenager wearing the "got jesus?" shirt standing right next to me, dude.)

all in all, though, i was so happy. it was so much fun. they put on a good show, and i am madly in love with pretty much everything they've ever written, so it was really exciting to hear it and see them live. i feel like they're one band that is virtually incapable of writing a bad song. seriously man.

anyway, i don't know why i am getting so burned out. for some reason, the normal things i have always done - going to class, working, studying, writing papers - it all overwhelms me now. i feel like i work all the time. i don't, obviously, but my nights and weekends... i'm always either doing some kind of work or avoiding some kind of work and feeling guilty about it. it's not really an issue of laziness because i want to do the work, but i feel emotionally tired. and i think it's translating into physical sickness, as these things often do. i just feel weak and run down all the time. it really sucks, man. i'm 22 years old and i don't eat meat. i should be seriously healthy!

i submitted a piece i wrote to a few feminist magazines, and i got my first rejection email today. i am officially a writer. it was something along the lines of it unfortunately not being right for them at this time, but please continue to send in writings so they will have something to shoot down, because it provides a source of amusement for overworked, underpaid feminists to shit on my work.